The Jewnited States of Americunts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The United States, also known as the USA, the United States of Soviet America, The Fatass Nation, Obesity Central, Redneckistan, The Ulcered Sphincter of Asserica, Dumbfuckistan, or the dumbest country in the Americas. Its the retarded offspring of Engalnd, which began as a bunch of colonies originally created by the king of England to house the British Empire's most mentally disturbed and insane pedophiles.
Obesity is, in fact, America's number-one killer, as people here are too dumb to realize that binging on McDonalds 12 times a day isn't good for one's health. However, it is a recently proven fact that America is not the most obese nation on earth, but comes in a close second when compared to another, more feral, rural and otherwise backward group of British Colonials.
New York City is located on the Atlantic Ocean side of the country, while Los Angeles (the place where Anti-Americanism was invented) is on the Pacific Ocean side. Chicago is stuck in the middle of East Coast stupidity and West Coast homosexuality, meaning all Chicagoans are both equally gay and stupid.
They think they can pwn the world, but all the countries they really want to attack, have too many friends, like France, or the Canada. In fact it's military consists of pussy fags, who have been pwned in almost every war they fought in, including getting buttfucked by the Canadians in 1812.
One day all the other countries will raep the Amerifags, and divide the nation out among the countries who used to own it, (Britain, France etc.). This will will herald a new age of world peace as the new owners will probably decide to nuke the scum off the face of the earth, to stop them getting uppity again, because we all know those niggers and jews get uppity.
Contents |
[edit] History
The first Americans were of a race of fags bred by their sister so that they might destroy themselves for the amusement of the world. Americans are a social group of obnoxious white fucks who can be described as fat, arrogant, loud, stupid, inbred, lazy, and fat. Americunts were originally from Europe, and thus are all immigrants, but it makes them feel better about themselves trying to kick out Mexicans and other immigrants, cuz it might give them the illusion that their flat out better. Their hobbies include stockpiling weapons, using weapons, and creating envious rolls of fat via the storing of more food in them at one time than anyone else in the rest of the world. They typically enjoy blasting out an extra asshole onto anyone that has anything they don't (i.e., everyone.)
It is common knowledge that America was created by many other countries around the world and thus should be showing some friggin' respect. Ironically, it are fact that the world is so fucking sick of the Americunt monstrosity it created that it desperately tries to ignore it. This is of course impossible, given that America is full of loud, ignorant and uniquely ugly assholes.
America's close neighbors have never picked up a history book in their life. Like five hundred years ago, a Brit NO DIPSHIT ITALIAN, (THIS IS AN IRONIC EXAMPLE OF THE STUPIDITY POSSESSED BY ALL AMERICUNTS) fag named Columbus decided to find an alternative route to Asia but ultimately failed once Columbia got in his way. He thought he was in India as black people's fault for looking all the same, enslaved them, brought them back to England, and was deemed a fucking asshole and died knowing that. However the English are too butthurt to acknowledge this so their government decided to brainwash people that Columbus discovered America instead of an awesome Portuguese dude.
Then At least 100 years ago, Holland and England were sick and tired of their gay location (except for Holland) and decided to go to America. Holland was like "Oh, let's set up a community here and a Stop n' Shop there" but then England was all "OH BUT WHERE WILL WE PUT THE CHURCHES?!?! YOU WILL ALL GO TO HELL YOU HEATHENS!!". Eventually, England did what they did best and decided to brainwash most of the Holland people into thinking America is the devil and all work and no play makes Jack a nice boy (these people would soon make the descendants of the ED users). The sensible people created a group called the Quakers, who invented oatmeal and porn, while the fucking faggots created Purists. Then more shit happened like The Patriots, Sons of Liberty, Loyalists, but that's another story.
Eventually, after years of being pwned by England, they gave up and we got our independence on July 4th, 1776 as the United States of America. Now back to your teenage angst. A few hundred years later, or maybe it was last thursday after they got their independence, they started thinking they were bigshits, and tried to invade the maple sucking canucks up north. The attempt failed brutally. The Yankees were pushed back down past their white house. And when the Canadians had drank their afternoon tea (cause of course they drink tea, since they are unfailing supporters of england), they burned down the white house and all of Washington, which resulted in the Americans being all butthurt and stopping the invasion. Sore losers. Of course now-a-days, Americans only read history books to prove to the Canadians of today that it was the British controlled Canadian army that beat them and not the Canadians. Both sides were utter phail in their conquest to victory and they both tried to claim winnar. People call this the war that nobody won and the war of poor communication.
[edit] American Dreams
An important part of American "identity" involves lying to oneself and maintaining that America is the best country evar by forgetting that the rest of the world exists. To Americans, the only country that exists outside of the United States is the one with which they're currently at war. As such, Iraq is the only country that currently exists to Americans (with the possible addition of China, as Americans are at war with the Chinese economy). Americans display their ignorance of other countries as a badge of patriotic courage. Examples include:
- Remaking books and films so that everything is set in America.
- Never traveling outside of North America.
- Believing that the capital of Denmark is IKEA, when in fact it is the capital of France.
- Becoming intentionally obese to avoid air travel.
- Being really shitty at geography questions in Trivial Pursuit.
- Thinking that everyone is bound by American law.
- Believing that anyone outside of America is "weird" and still act as if it was the 19th century (eg., the people of Britain, France and Germany still wear powdered wigs, engage in duels and shoot people that sit next to them, and occasionally don big, spiky helmets).
- In America, anyone who thinks differently, has a desire to learn different things, has a disease, or looks better than the popular person must inevitably be branded a homosexual, and can only be accepted into civilization if called "gay" over 9000 times a day. But they would quite probably be lynched anyway.
[edit] Government
The United States is ruled by fat fucking idiots; a band of ruthless pedophiles who are advised on matters political and economic by highly informed people. These warlords are very much liked by the majority of the population because there is a chicken in every pot... well, almost. Sometimes there is pot in a chicken.
The rest of the world pretends to hate the US government because it doesn't like being told what to do by some other country; really they're all jealous. Or Liberal. Or European. Or Muslim.
[edit] The Voting Process
The election of US Governmental officials is complex. The two real parties, the Republicans and Democrats, issue candidates to be chief warlord ("President") and tribal elders ("senators"). There are also many pretend parties that support their own candidates, but that's just a funny little joke they play, because they know nobody is going to vote for them. But this is all just retarded shit made up by some Euro piece of shit.
Then the people of the United States gather for conventions, where they receive the autographs of the two real candidates and have their pictures taken with that guy from Babylon 5. At these conventions, people will inspect the candidates' postures, teeth, hair, and clothes. Hardcore voters may also inspect the party policies, which are usually written in disappearing ink.
A complex voting process follows:
- Voter writes down the name of the candidate he most favors as dictator.
- Voter writes down the name of the party he most prefers.
- Both names are converted to numbers using the enigma code. These numbers are jumbled at random and added together.
- Voter proceeds to name his favorite flavor of ice-cream. If his original candidate likes the same flavour, one adds 1000 onto the previous score. If the candidate does not, one deducts 1000 points. These values are doubled if the voter has a high perception skill. If the candidate does not eat ice cream because he is a vegan, then a Green Party member has somehow got in and a new election must be called.
- Resultant number is subsequently divided by fifteen and rounded up to one decimal point.
- A +2 die of entanglement is thrown. The outcome is multiplied by the first number of which the voter thought.
- Voter chooses a card from the deck. If it is a black card, one deducts 100. If the card is red, one adds 150. If it is a joker, repeat previous step. Threes and nines are wild - four buys another card. If the current Warlord is a Republican, all black cards are removed from deck before play.
- This final figure may be skewed by the electoral campaigns, which take the form of a gathering of color-coded, but otherwise identical monkeys flinging shit at each other.
- On voting day, voter inputs number into RepubliCom voting machine and collects fuel coupons.
- Final tallies are added together for each state, then ignored as the Electoral College decides it with a coin toss.
[edit] Economy
The Ulcered Sphincter of Asserica has the world's largest and most technologically advanced economy in the world. This however is not set to last, as by 2040, china will have overtaken the USA as the world's leading economy, strictly for the LULZ. In the mean time their immediate wealth is partly due to the fact that both Japan and Germany (not to mention, to varying degrees, Canadia, South Korea, Israel, Kuwait, China, and Rhode Island) are now America's lapdogs who are under submission due to threat of possible US invasion. Whenever a technological or industrial breakthrough takes place in Japan or Germany, the US is quick to swoop in and bribe the inventors with McDonald's cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets in exchange for the intellectual property. When leaders of Japan and Germany have protested this imperialism by the United States, US Presidents have simply said "Watch the movie 'Saving Private Ryan'" or "Watch the movie 'The Sands of Iwo Jima'" followed by "We can throw down again if you want to, huh? You wanna do that? That's what I thought Yoshi/Fritz, we're cowboys baby...YEEEHHHAAAA! That's how we ROLL BIOTCH!!!" Nixon resigned days later.
The United States has a yearly GDP (income) of about 15 trillion. This is larger than the 6 next richest nations combined, but it means little because the US spends roughly 33% of this money on porno, Big Macs, Budweiser; the other 66% is used on guns. One of the United States' main claims to fame is the outspending of every other nation in warfare. It is less commonly known that USAns (the inhabitants of the United States) are also the world's foremost producers and consumers of innumerable other products, including liquid paper, noxious gas, Tupperware, disposable diapers, corn, SUVs and baseball.
Furthermore the USA believes in Free Trade, a concept that can only be explained through analogy.
Imagine being wrongly convicted of paedophilia and then having to serve 75 years in the company of rapists, murderers, niggers and criminals of all descriptions, whom having been deprived of female contact for ages, have contracted the gay and hanker after you and your virgin tight asshole.
-Day 1: A 500 lb nigger pins you to the shower wall. You struggle in vain but nevertheless get pwned in the ass.
-Day 2: The 500 lb nigger shows up with his two Jew friends. You resist as much as you can but get the shit kicked out of you and your face covered in Jew cum.
-Day 3: No need to resist. You're already prostrate on the shower floor, totally lubed up and waiting for your new found friends to come and pork you in the bum.
The psychological paradigm shift which occurs on Day 3... which incites you to your decision ... you lying on the floor with your ass in the air and your face on the floor with a smile ; This is the essence of free trade. This is what the WTO and Free Trade is all about.
So to sum it all up: It's crap.
[edit] Military
The U.S Military is a bunch of homo fags that are too stupid to pass first grade, so they drop out and join the military, where they take steroids to make it look like they work out when really all they do is eat McDonald's and have anal. These retards are actually trusted with guns and bombs and which has resulted in an American invention known as "friendly fire". This event only occurs when they're around and basically consists of a fucktard shooting someone on their own side and going "sorry you had a gun and I just freaked out". America also enjoys firing at British troops, and bombing British tanks. This has gone back as far as the Second World War, as shown in a British wartime joke; "When the Germans shoot, the British duck. When the British shoot, the Germans duck. When the Americans shoot, EVERYONE ducks!". However, it should be noted that this joke is a good example of British ignorance and hypocrisy, considering their forces have had several instances of friendly fire in which they've maimed and killed their own forces. The real reason friendly fire is higher among American forces is because they're retarded and badly trained. Since America's army exploits every country, they build huge rockets to watch the pretty colors, but then they discovered that they actually kill people when a guy thought he could reach the moon on one and failed, which resulted in the modern nuclear bomb.
The bulk of former soldiers in the United States of Americunts, have banded to together over the years to form the citizens' militia; essentially a group of rednecks from Alabama, who tote obscenely large weapons at every possible juncture to compensate for the small average size of the Americunt penis.
[edit] "Liberation"
The United States has a tendency to free other countries from entities that may or may not actually be a problem - most recently:
- Freeing Afghanistan from Terrorists (and Opium)
- Freeing Iraq from Terrorists (and Oil)
- Freeing The Whoal World!! from Miloševič
- Freeing the UK from British pop music
On tap:
- Freeing Syria from Terrorists (and Oil)
- Freeing Iran from Terrorists (and Oil)
In the works:
- Freeing Venezuela from duly elected President Hugo Chavez, or whomever the CIA decides to install after the coup. (also Oil)
- Freeing the world from North Korea - a crafty ploy, as it was the US that brokered that missile technology to them through 3rd parties. A simple plan and a great excuse to go barging in.
America is very good at bombing the shit out of poor Middle Eastern countries that have about three rusty missiles from 30 years ago and a crate of AK-47s with which to defend themselves. Fighting a country such as North Korea, which might well have weapons of mass destruction, is a little bit riskier. As a result, America probably won't invade unless they have the support of The Coalition of The Willing (Britain, Australia.. Turkey? Other suck-ups..) and are certain China won't nuke the shit out of them in retribution, even if they wanted to.
Many people believe New Jersey, Massachusetts and California are the US's next targets as they are all violating the US's strict "don't be a fucking homo" policy.
You're welcome.
[edit] Inventions
- Arrogance
- Ignorance
- retardation
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- Fundamentalist Christians
- Time Cube
- Scientology
- Mcdonalds
- KFC
- Jewtube
- Gay pr0n
- Furries
- SUVs
- Xbox
- Isreal
- AIDS
- Emo
- MySpace
- Corn
- Peanut Butter
- Low-carb
- Fail
- Sub-prime loans
- Crack cocaine
- High-quality crystal meth
- The Cotton Gin
- Internets
- Global Warming
- Weeaboo
- Wiggers
- AZN
- God Hates Fags
- God Bless America
- Preemptive War
- Enemy Combatants
- WTC
- Nigger Trade
- Snowmobile
[edit] Cities, States and Whatnot
- Alabama
- Arkansas
- Australia; a.k.a. Little America who wants to be like the US until Little Britain comes to the rescue of their little baby
- Baghdad
- Boston, capital of the State of Massapleasegivemebread.
- California: San Diego, San Fagcisco, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Santa Rosa, Sebastopol, The OC
- Canada, as soon as some sort of use can be found for it
- Colorado
- Detroit
- Earth
- El Salvador
- Florida: Miami
- Georgia: Atlanta
- Habbo USA
- Idaho
- Illinois: Chicago
- Iraq
- Israel
- Indiana, the retard capital of the world
- Kansas
- London
- Louisiana: New Orleans
- Maine
- Mexico, since most of Mexico is already in the USA
- Maryland
- Mordor
- Sparta
- Washington, DC
- Minnesota: Minneapolis
- Nevada: Las Vegas, Reno
- New Hampshire
- New Jersey
- New York: New York City
- Ohio: Youngstown
- Pennsylvania: Philadelphia
- Texas: Austin, Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, San Antonio
- The Internets
- United Kingdom
- Utah
- Vice City
- Washington: Seattle
- Wyoming
- The rest of the freaking world (at least they think so)
[edit] Copypasta etc.
America bashing
I'm sick and tired of all this America bashing. We OWN the fucking world. We're the only super power left, which means we're the rulers. Don't like it, go move to Mars or turn your shitty little country into a super power. Oh yeah, that's right. You CAN'T! Yeah there's wars and shit, but that's only because you won't get into line. If everyone would just accept it the entire world could be living like the USA under a Pax Americana. Look at Japan and Canada. They gave in and accepted American superiority. They got to keep the elements of their culture they liked and filled in the rest with American culture. They do what they're told and they live happy prosperous lives. Every other country in the world could have it just as good if they'd do the same thing. You cause shit with us, don't fall into line, we spank you with bombs. Do what we want and EVERYONE wins. Why is that so fucking hard for the rest of you to get through your dumb-fucking heads? America doesn't hate you. America doesn't WANT to bomb you. But if you get in America's way, if you make yourselves into problems and start hating on America, what the fuck are we supposed to do? If it wasn't for America you wouldn't even have an internet to bitch about us on. Seriously, I'm getting sick of all this anti-America bosnian bullshit. We can all get along if we all DO WHAT WE'RE TOLD!
Why America is the Best
-Brits started the colony but Americans were all "Fuck Eurofags!" America proceeds to own the Brits and reject their tea in favor of liquor. -War of 1812: Brits try again. Result: FAILURE! -America then expands to the Pacific, owning Native Americans and Mexico along the way. MANIFEST DESTINY, BITCH! -America has a civil war, pretty much because the rest of the world was made up of pussies, so we fought ourselves because we're so fucking METAL! -WWI: Eurofags try and reenact the American civil war, they fail miserably, we bail their asses out -The Great Depression was so great, the rest of the world suffered for it -WWII: Eurofags try again at the whole civil war reenactment, fail again, America develops nuclear weapons -Post-WWII: America rules the world through different means; We fuck over the Commies hard because they are Commie bastards and they suck, like Nazis -Present Day: Team America: World Police; Team Europe: World Faggots -The Future: America remains on the forefront of technological breakthroughs, leading to a cure for all diseases, lasers, and other things that are awesome. Europe is consumed by the Zombie Apocalypse because they are too busy sucking to fight back. -Britfags go out of their way to misspell the word “America” in order to offend, then backtrack by claiming to have invented the language and hate anyone evolving it.
Why are Euros So Angry at Americans?
We were talking about this with a friend earlier: WHY ARE EUROPEAN PEOPLE SO ANGRY AT AMERICANS? and we came up with this answer: they're jealous! Let's see why: 1)Biggest gay porno industry 2)We have a measuring system that's based on human proportions and whole numbers, not an arbitarily-defined "OH NO, IT'S 38.5C TODAY" metric system. 3)We have the bigger military. not to mention taht we are pissd of by a bunch of kids with ak-47 in iraq. We also get guns, while you fags don't even know which end of the magazine goes in the gun. we also have AZns who shoot people for lulz 4)We can do whatever we want without a mandate from the faggy UN. 5)We have a health care system defined by a FREE MARKET, not a nanny government that taxes you guys out the ass. 6)We got rhythm. We can dance, rap, sing, make music, you name it. 7)We aren't being invaded by Arabs 8)We're simply cooler. Admit it, maybe it wasn't the case some 200 years ago, but nowadays being European sucks while being American is cool as hell 9)We got ONE language, the correct version of the English language. European people have to learn OUR LANGUAGE in school. We don't have to translate every official document into 50 different moonspeak versions 10)If you don't die a virgin, and happen to get a daughter... chances are she'll be sucking and swallowing American dicks :) I could be going on and on and on but you get the point by now Enjoy being European, suckers :)
The "Unofficial" national anthem of the United States
America... America... America, FUCK YEAH! Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah, America, FUCK YEAH! Freedom is the only way yeah, Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too, America, FUCK YEAH! So lick my butt, and suck on my balls, America, FUCK YEAH! What you going to do when we come for you now, it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow Because Europeans need to be maimed! FUCK YEAH! McDonalds, FUCK YEAH! Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH! The Gap, FUCK YEAH! Baseball, FUCK YEAH! NFL, FUCK, YEAH! Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH! The Internet, FUCK YEAH! Slavery, FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH! Starbucks, FUCK YEAH! Disney world, FUCK YEAH! Porno, FUCK YEAH! Valium, FUCK YEAH! Reeboks, FUCK YEAH! Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH! Sushi, FUCK YEAH! Taco Bell, FUCK YEAH! Rodeos, FUCK YEAH! Bed bath and beyond (Fuck yeah, Fuck yeah) Liberty, FUCK YEAH! Waxed Lips, FUCK YEAH! The Alamo, FUCK YEAH! Band-aids, FUCK YEAH! Las Vegas, FUCK YEAH! Christmas, FUCK YEAH! Immigrants, FUCK YEAH! Popeye, FUCK YEAH! SeaKing, FUCK YEAH! Democrats, FUCK YEAH! Republicans (republicans) (fuck yeah, fuck yeah) Sportsmanship Books
[edit] Americunt Videos
An example of classic American idiocy
Your Average American Lifestyle
The true face of Amerikkka.
[edit] Gallery
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[edit] See Also
- Americunts
- Why do you hate America?
- Manifest Destiny
- W
- Obesity
- Diabeetus
- Unwarranted Self Importance
- [1]
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