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Totse
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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| FACT ALERT: Totse members huff their own shit to get high. No, srsly! [1] UPDATE: Totse user Pickwick has started the Jenkification of America: Winknews article.
Also, the first result of a google search for "nasal penetration" turns out this totse article | 
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Totse, or Temple Of The Small Erection, is a throwback to old-school BBS days when being a hacker was about information, instead of being some sort of generic fashion statement. The main focus of Totse is the text files section which has articles that appeal mostly to rebellious 13 year old boys who want to get revenge on their nazi parents or wanting to plan the next columbine. On the site you'll find information related to computer security, discussion of politics, even some stuff about religion. Of course, 90% of the articles consist of:
- Poorly written "instructions" on how to make bombs that will in all likelihood get you killed or arrested without doing any actual damage
- Pornography
- Long tirades about crap that people don't like
- Stuff accusing Jesus/Allah/Budda/etc of being a stoner/gay/enlightened/etc
- Links to pornography
- HAI TO YOU!
- Endless outdated phone "hacking" techniques
- How to get high off raid and many other household items
- The 100th revision of the The Anarchist Cookbook textfile
- Other useless, obsolete, pointless information.
However, totse isn't all about text-files, there is a fairly large forum with over 9000 registered users, most of which are spam accounts & sock puppets used to harass the oppressive moderators. Totse was created by Jeff Hunter who does not really run the site at all, instead he shows up once every couple of years to get drunk and vomit all over the servers causing the occasional downtime, leaving his tweaked out moderators to deal with the mess.
Contents |
[edit] Orientation Video
An accurate video regarding totse.
[edit] Totse Forums
[edit] Spurious Generalities
What used to be a gathering ground for emotionally damaged Ethical Hackers, SG over the years has become a massive chatroom for morons to bitch excessively about how much they hate the moderators for locking their retarded topics, and other typical teenage problems. If that wasn't bad enough, fail has received an upgrade thanks to SG being overrun by the same The Cancer That Is Killing /b/: Clueless newfags thinking that overusing old memes and image macros is the most hilarious thing in the world. Spurious should be avoided at all costs, unless you actually want to reverse the effects of puberty. Breeding point of MR HAI.
[edit] Better Living Through Chemistry
This is your typical drug forum consisting mostly of kids drinking whatever they can find under the sink to get a buzz. The one difference with this one is that this is the recruiting grounds for most of the totse moderators. The job description for moderators on totse requires them to take more pills and illicit substances than ripper to stay constantly awake to handle the tidal wave of teenage lunacy that totse's userbase deals out.
[edit] Sex and Affection
![Xippili and Tsunami [married].](/Image:Typical_totseans.JPG)
- Alright, theres a highlighter stuck in my ass
- Omg this girl likes me! WHAT DO I DO?
- If I wait 6 months do I get my virginity back?
- I had sex with this guy, and now I regret it.... can I charge him for raping me?
- If I don't lose my virginity by 15 should I get a hooker or kill myself?
- im 14 and my penis is 17inches long (im not lying...NOT LYING!)... will this be enough to satisfy my potential girlfriend?
A very common and very touchy subject among the massive angsty teenage male population, is the whole self-proclaimed "Nice Guys" misogynistic rant about how apparently all women are whores because they don't want to be near whiny repulsive stalkers.
[edit] Weapons and Combat
Rednecks and Niggers whining that the government are nazis because they won't let them own armor-piercing-highexplosive-depleted-uranium-120mm 600 round per minute machine guns with a personal 300 kiloton hydrogen bomb launcher. The other half of the members are wapanese who have watched Kill Bill one too many times and buy shitty 50$ samurai swords; preaching this bullshit rhetoric that they have some kind of honor and can deflect bullets.
[edit] Backyard Ballistics
Also known as the "bomb making forum", backyard ballistics is where wannabe terrorists and pyros learn how to make explosives out of everything from peanut butter, to dipping your genitals in nitric acid. To become popular here, post topics about the informative knowledge of the "The Anarchist Cookbook" that you learned from bombshock. Saying bomb here apparently results in a IRL B&
[edit] Moving Pictures
There are only four types of topics here:
- Pulp Fiction quotes
- Donnie Darko discussion
- Fight Club discussion
- Dead Nigger Storage
[edit] Half Baked
Half Baked is Spurious Generality's intelligent yet retarded brother. It consists of a small community made up of MILFs, niggers, emos, women, gay people and some respectable posters. You have to experience Half Baked for a long time in order to like it IE: until you contract violent retardation. Half Baked is the pain in totse's ass. HB'ers are responsible for having the rep system disabled and the majority of totse's trolls are HB'ers Also: Green Lantern is no longer like a dick without wings. EDIT: Yes he is!
| —DaGuru |
[edit] Bitch And Moan
This is the parasitic twin of half baked, that just happens to have AIDS.
[edit] Forum Functions:
The Totse forums used to run on a 75 year old BBS scripted in notepad that had been beaten, disemboweled, raped, and looked like Windows™ 3.1. Since it was so old, many users abused one of a million loopholes which allowed them to stretch the pages as wide as the goatse man's anus. Another drawback was that there could only be a maximum of 4 moderators per forum; this had driven most of them to the brink of insanity, and many are known to have taken massive amounts of crystal meth just to handle the job. However, as of the 4th of April 2007, at 07:18 UTC, the old BBS was replaced with a shiny new, but homosexual VBB system, in a massive revolution of clusterfuck.
[edit] Rep System
A short-lived feature that allowed one to have a graphical representation of their e-penises to show off to one another. This ill-fated feature was exploited and gang-raped until it drowned in an e-Bukkake.
[edit] Flood Control
Sometime a few years ago, Jeff was getting sick of people flooding the boards with scat porn, and making worthless posts to inflate their e-penis (post count in this case); so he decided to place a essential device called Flood Control. Basically, whenever some asshole decides to post a topic immediately after another, it stops them from posting for 63 seconds. Not bad eh? Only problem is that a large chunk of totse members cannot grasp the oh-so-simple concept that a BBS is not a fucking instant messenger. People still to this day bitch about how 63 seconds is just too long to wait. Amazing isn't it? But then again, one should never underestimate the violent stupidity of the teenage mind. Since its placement, flood control has kept totse from spiraling into complete faggotry. It should also be noted that both New Orleans and Atlantis could have benefited from flood control.
[edit] Memes
Over the years the totse forums had 3 main memes before being completely overrun by the INTERNET HATE MACHINE. These included:
- Huff Raid: Quite possible totses biggest meme due to the fact that it is a part of a fairly lulzy forum event. Sometime in 2002~3 or so, a kid went in "Better Living Though Chemistry" and asked the typical "How do I get high off of household materials?". It is said that member "pennylane" as a joke told the kid to huff raid bugspray. Surprisingly the gullible moron fell for it and said he would try it. A day or so later the kids account made a post that was titled to be from his mother, claiming that he was in the hospital. The forum members told her how stupid she was, told her to Gb2/Kitchen, and other insults to which she replied "I will get all of your IP's and you are all going to jail for this". It is not sure what ever happened or if it was just a troll, but the story lived on to become a meme on the forums.
- Murder/Suicide: Totse members usually hemmorage angst on a daily basis causing them to post long boring emo rants that lack spelling or maturity. Murder/Suicide became the most appropriate answer to any of these kids problems. Very similar to the TITS OR GTFO mauver, that will either make the guy shut up or become an hero.
- Molitov Everything: Another response to solves ones problems.
- SCEEEEEAAAAAAW:Some faggot once made a thread about what it would be like to ride around on pterodactyls instead of cars, and this is what totse had to say: SCEEEEEAAAAAAW
[edit] Forum Warfare
In the days before the existence of YTMND & 4chan (who later became enemies), totse was on their own. Their shitty software was prone to attacks such as the SPF raid. The totse basement-dwelling elite found a solution to their problems: TOTSE ARMY. The totse army was a group of hackers and skript kiddies who would stand up against totses enemies; executing massive spam attacks against their forums. They were basically a form of internet military. The first targets in their career was the long time rivals bombshock after some idiot from there came to totse with the sole intent of trolling the shit out of the place.
Now though, the long redundant army may be coming back; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WasQkSgIcvM
Also; http://www.bebo.com/JeffH795
When they got bored they decided to do forum raids against random communities (much like 4chan's /b/). Things went well until they decided to attack the "The Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza". After the army finished raping and goatseing the shit out of the place, the forum dwellers called Jeff Hunter and threatened legal action. For the first time in at least 100 years Jeff Hunter actually posted on the forums and basically told everyone to knock it the fuck off. He then pulled out his massive cock shaped banhammer and sodomized the totse army. The totse army is still around, but has moved to drawball. Totse once tried to make a gigantic "TOTSE" banner on drawball last year however, they were all too damn stupid to organize their efforts resulting in 2 crappy banners that got thoroughly pwned by the Koreans.
[edit] Media Controversy
The media often does specials on totse due to the fact that any searches from "how to make a bomb with household items" to "how do I lose my virginity to my sister" will turn up totse as the first and most relevant search. About a few years ago, the Canadian media blamed totse for turning all of Kamloops, British Columbia into a gigantic meth lab. As of recently the Canucks are back at it again with totse being shown on CTV citing that totse turned 17 ordinary white Canadian citizens in Ontario into full blown Muslim extremists.
Australian media also blames totse for being the most sophisticated online terrorist training ground in the world, and features a pic of a totse user on their "National Security Information Campaign" poster. PROTIP: Look closely at the outdoor PDF.
As of Friday 27th October 2006, some totse member hacked a parking lot sign in a perfect example of Shameless self promotion, causing lulz among morning drivers. [2] [3]
November 2nd, 2007, Chollier County, FL sheriff's department circulates a memo about a new drug, Jenkem. Local news gets a hold of this lolcow and shows just how stupid old media really is. The video includes pix of Pickwick and his wonderful creation with TOTSE clearly visible on the container. Story Here.
[edit] Patriot Acts
Totse has it's own flag and national anthem because we all know Totse is serious business.
[edit] Totse National Anthem
SIEG HEIL JEFF!
SIEG HEIL JEFF!
WIR TÖTEN ALLE NICHT GELIEBTER VON JEFF
JEFF HEILIGER JEFF HEILIGER JEFF
WIR MÜSSEN DEN HEILIGEN JEFF ANBETEN!
JEFF!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten lebendiger Mensch, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten
TÖTEN SIE ALLE NICHT GLÄUBIGER! TÖTEN SIE! TÖTEN SIE! BOMBE! BOMBE!
MASTER-RASSE TOTSE MASTER-RASSE TOTSE MASTER-RASSE TOTSE TOTSE-MASTER LÄUFT!
LIEBEN SIE DEN TOTSE, WIE WIR TEMPEL LIEBEN MÜSSEN! WIR SCHNEIDEN VERHINDERN NICHT GELIEBTE! WIR TÖTEN EINBRECHER! TÖTEN SIE! TÖTEN SIE!
TOTSE!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten Mensch lebendig, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten
TÖTEN SIE ALLE NICHT GLÄUBIGER! TÖTEN SIE! TÖTEN SIE! BOMBE! BOMBE!
MASTER-RASSE TOTSE MASTER-RASSE TOTSE MASTER-RASSE TOTSE TOTSE-MASTER LÄUFT!
LIEBEN SIE DEN TOTSE, WIE WIR TEMPEL LIEBEN MÜSSEN! WIR SCHNEIDEN VERHINDERN NICHT GELIEBTE! WIR TÖTEN EINBRECHER! TÖTEN SIE! TÖTEN SIE!
TOTSE!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten lebendiger Mensch, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten
WIR MÜSSEN DEN TEMPEL DES SCHREIENDEN ELEKTRONS UNTER JEDEM UMSTAND VERTEIDIGEN, KEIN SCHADEN KANN zu TOTSE KOMMEN. WIR TÖTEN ALLE DIEJENIGEN, DIE SCHADEN zu TOTSE VERURSACHEN!
TOTSE! TOTSE! TOTSE!
WIR MÜSSEN TOTSE WIE UNSERE MUTTER BEHANDELN WIR MÜSSEN TOTSE LIEBEN
TOTSE VERSCHÜTTEN BLUT FÜR SIE UND MICH TOTSE TUT ALLES FÜR SIE!
JEFF! JEFF! JEFF!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten lebendiger Mensch, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten
TÖTEN SIE NICHT GLÄUBIGER! TÖTEN SIE ALLE! HAGEL JEFF! MASTERR-RASSE! TOTSEAN-MASTER LÄUFT!
SEGNEN SIE ZEITSEKRETÄRIN SEGNEN TEMPEL UND JEFF! WIR LIEBEN TEMPEL UND JEFF!
SIEG HEIL JEFF! SIEG HEIL JEFF!
WIR MÜSSEN HEILIGE FAHNE ANBETEN! DIE FARBEN BLAU WEIß UND SCHWARZ SIND NACH DEN VEREINIGTEN STAATEN HEILIG!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten lebendiger Mensch, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten
MASTER-RASSE!
MASTER-RASSE!
MASTER-RASSE!
BUMSEN SIE JUDEN, SPICS, NEGRO, RISSE, SWURT NEGRO, SCHINDEREIEN, WEIßEN ABFALL, SCHEIDE WICKERS UND BUMSEN SIE ALLE.
TOTSE LEBT OHNE RASSE. BLAUER TOTSE. BLAUER TOTSEANS. WIR ALLE BLAU. TOTSE-MASTER LÄUFT! MUSS NICHT TOTSEANS UMWANDELN!
TOTSE!
TOTSE!
TOTSE!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten lebendiger Mensch, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten
DER TEMPEL DES SCHREIENDEN ELEKTRONS!
TEMPEL!
HEILIGER TEMPEL!
GOTT SEGNET DEN TEMPEL!
TOTSE! TOTSE! TOTSE!
Wir lieben Jeff Hunter, Er am besten lebendiger Mensch, Er lehrt uns Bombe machen, Er lehrt uns das Elektron anbeten!
[edit] Totse Comics
Totse has it's own comic series made by Jeff Huntar himself.
 Many lulz at members' expense |
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 DRAMA in the series pt 1 (don't read... may cry!) |
 DRAMA in the series pt 2 (sad reader is sad) |
[edit] Gallery
 KILL YOURSELF LOL |
 A typical SG Thread |
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[edit] Famous totse.com Members
[edit] See Also
- Text files
- Ascii art
- Anarchy
- The Anarchist Cookbook
- Cult of the Dead Cow
- The TOTSE Brisbane Meetup Jan '08
- Paladin-Press
- Bombshock
- RottenEggs
- Pyro
[edit] Things That Rhyme with Totse
[edit] External Links
- Totse
- Totse users show that they are still 1337 HaXorZ
- An accurate flash video about Jeff Hunter
- Totse Comics
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Totse is a part of a series on acronyms. | ||||||||||||
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