Hipster
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
"Hipsters" are elusive creatures because a true hipster will never admit to being a hipster. You can usually find them in more urbanized areas. They are devoted to anything hip whether their forte be art, fashion, music, indie flicks, or a combination of the four.
There are several types of hipsters: the plain old Hipster, Art Fags, Indie Fags, Avant-Gard types. Hipsters rarely date those who are not in their subculture. The rare exception can be made with the Punk subculture, which certain parts of hipsterdom intertwine with.
You can usually smell a hipster from a mile away, since they are usually saturated with the smell of smoke and cheap booze (preferably Pabst Blue Ribbon). Most hipsters smoke either fancy imported cigarettes, Parliaments, Camels, or sometimes American Spirits (because Al Gore hates additives). Mainstream cigarettes such as Marlboros and Newports are unpopular among hipsters due to their lack of marketing to children.
Strangely enough, these connoisseurs of cool love to drink bottom shelf booze, specifically from brands which were formerly associated with blue collar types. This is ironic because hipsters are rarely known to work or associate with anyone that doesn't have a trust fund. Favorite beers include Pabst Blue Ribbon, Olympia, and Budweiser (strictly for the lulz). Liquors commonly consumed include gin & tonics and jet fuel (marketed as "bourbon"). Hipsters from coastal regions are known to enjoy shit wine like Carlo Rossi.
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Types of Hipsters
Typical Hipster
- The typical hipster does not have a concentration, and as such their interests are evenly distributed in avant garde/hip art, music, fashion, etc.
- Their clothing is decadent, but not as overly indulgent and gay as the avant garde hipster.
- Their musical tastes are crap, and thankfully they do not look too deeply into music.
- They pretend to enjoy the arts and literature, but they don't know fuck about either.
- Loafers are typical of the hipster fashion. The loafers indicate that they have successfully raped and mugged an elderly man whilst retrieving their loafers as their prize.
- That shit they wear constantly changes, because what is hip constantly changes.
- Their obscene use of aviator glasses and other massive glasses that block out the sun
This is how you block out the sun or a PBR hangover.
- Rides a "fixie" bike, i.e. a bike that can't coast and has no brakes, because conventional bikes and cars are too mainstream.
Indie Fag
- Generally like any shitty band as long as they dress in the correct way. Pretend to have a deep understanding of music but generally are just talking out of their ass. Occasionally they actually like good bands and drive sane people away from those particular bands.
- They are the most badly dressed of the bunch and can be easily identified. Both sexes have the tendency to wear button up shirts, straight legged pants, a hoodie, and some type of flat bottomed shoe that isn't for running. If it is a girl it may wear flats and a sweater. Sometimes it is difficult to tell indie boys and girls apart, due to the fact that they look so much alike.
- What the Indie fag is today is what remains of what hipsters used to look like, yet they are still accepted as a part of the hipster community. They listen to all the coolest and most subversive music that you have never heard of. And if you have heard of them... well.. they heard them first.
- Indie fags are more likely to smoke pole at 13. They have a record collection and have probably Wikipedia-d a good amount of Kurt Vonnegut.
- Indie fags of both sexes like to grow sideburns or beards.
Avant-Garde
Avant Garde hipsters are hipsters whose specialty is fashion. They are always wearing the most outrageous thing, but pretend that they did not spend 5 hours preparing their outfit the night before. Whatever is in, they wore it before it was.
They tend to be obsessed with always finding the new thing. It is hard to describe them because their fashion sense changes every five seconds, but you will be able to pick them out in a crowd because they are the person that looks the most ridiculous, but if you think it is ridiculous you are just an unfashionable dolt. Their music taste is always current and hip and leans towards the indie, electronic, new wave, and post-punk, or whatever noise their favourite DJ made when he passed out onto his keyboard.
A notable avant-garde hipster is It-Girl Cory Kennedy. The best place to keep track of hipster fashion is here.
Belief Structure of the Hipster
- The "Hip" which can be named is not the true "Hip". Many ascetic religions seek a life of simplicity. "Hipsters" seek a life of obscurity. The great vessel of their obscurity is the "hip". As they fall deeper and deeper into the "hip", they find themselves further and further away from the accursed "unhipness" of the mainstream. "Hipsters" engulfed in the "hip" sink further and further away from the mainstream and even further away from the "hippest" people they know in the scene. At one point, the "hipster" may begin to mumble. This is akin to Pentecostal speaking in tongues. The mumbling is what happens in towards the final stages of the "Hipsters" development as the "Hipster" begins to speak about bands that are so "hip" and obscure that the bands themselves don't even know they are bands yet. There are no words to describe the music that bands that don't exist yet make, so the "Hipster" begins to mumble pretending that he is speaking. It's quite sad, really.
- All personal labels are considered "unhip" and the great "hip" ones will not abide by any such labels. "Hipsters", though they know full well that they are "hip", will never answer to being a "hipster" and often will refuse the word "hip". They also are known to speak in a "hip" pseudo-language. Pseudo-language, in that, some words are real and some words are shit they just made up. The "Hipster Handbook", an expose on the "hipster" lifestyle says "What was once cool, now is deck". Deck being a word that means "cool" to other hipsters as it is fin or "uncool" to say cool. It is a part of the renunciation of the "unhip".
- The "Hipster"'s lifestyle is shrouded in a mystical rhetorical substance known as "irony". It is said that "hipness" manifests itself in areas where there is the most irony. Irony is a difficult concept to understand, so perceiving it takes hipness in itself. Irony can also be perceived or created out of such things that are "unhip". Where ever the irony is, once perceived by the "hipster", the "hipster" must begin to decode the irony for hidden messages and must take the messages of the great "hip" to heart. If you see a "hipster" lethargic on the couch watching "Gillian's Island", this is what he is trying to do.
- Remember: "Bisexual" is the new "I'm so drunk!"
"Hipster" Lifestyle
They show their devotion by listening to Guided by Voices for hours on end, and are harmless unless you engage them in one of their discussions on music. They can become violent in this state, so be sure to satiate them by putting on a copy of Slanted and Enchanted by Pavement. Once they have fully calmed down, turn off the music and kick them out of your apartment as fast as you can. Wrong pussy. You get them so riled that they attack, with which you begin to beat seven shades of stupid out of them to a death metal album if you want to make them suffer.
Consult the Hipster Handbook before engaging them in anymore discussions, as hipsters have a tendency to remember everyone's musical tastes. You will need to convince them that you were only being momentarily ironic in stating that "Linkin Park isn't too bad." "Hipsters" themselves do this all the time with American Idol "musicians".
To get hipster pussy or cock, you must start an indie rock band, have access to at least a keybump of cocaine, and backstage passes to any Interpol, Explosions In The Sky, or American Football shows that may be coming up. wait until they've ingested six PBR's, then as long as you're an endotherm they'll probably fuck you; hipsters devote their young adult lives to overcompensating for the social failures of their first eighteen years, and therefore find it nigh impossible to pass on any offer of sex.
Hipster chicks occasionally engage in grifting, which is a fancy way of saying that you are now her bitch.
Hipster Irony
The fourth definition of irony is perhaps the most complex, and is frequently used by emo kids, though often they are not aware of this fact. Hipster Irony, as it is called, determines irony as being a self-awareness of one's behavior, insofar as that behavior is incongruent with what is expected and what actually occurs. An example can be seen here. Irony is thus self-awareness of irony, under this definition. It is only thanks to this latter type of irony that the emo and hipster scenes are considered in any way cool (ironically enough, only by other emos, hipsters and infotainment newscasters), and not just another branch of geekdom.
For example: a person who wears, say, a Legend of Zelda t-shirt, but who does it ironically in the hipster sense, is being self-aware of the irony of their situation — they are in essence saying "Man, isn't it so ironic that someone as cool as me would wear such a geeky shirt?" Thus it is that emo kids and hipsters get away with wearing and participating in a lot of what is otherwise considered "fringe" or uncool behavior.
The selection of the correct tee or fashion item with the highest level of irony is a complex process. Irony is a byproduct produced by careful aging of once-popular things, products, or ideas. Much as a can of grape drink, given time and yeast, will become a fine wine, a popular idea allowed to wallow into obscurity can become rich in ironic value. Much as a trained pig can find truffles, a hipster can smell irony in an old thing and make it cool. The irony-aging process can take months or years. For example Thundercats was popular in 1983, by 1988 was passé, and by 1994, virtually unknown. By 2004 they were obscure enough that wearing a Thundercats printed tee is ironic and hence "cool".
Anyone who participates in hipster irony is actually not cool at all. This means that they are actually the victims of traditional irony. Which is ironic.
Another example of Hipster-esque Irony are men's pink shirts. Hipsters believe that wearing a pink shirt expresses how comfortable they are with their sexuality, when in fact pink is a feminine color. So by expressing their sexual stability, they aim to insinuate manliness. It then becomes ironic that they are insinuating manliness through the colour pink. But of course no manliness is expressed because all Hipsters are fags.
Vice Magazine
If you want to be a hipster, here's the how-to guidebook. Since they get all of their information off of google, there's nothing in there that you didn't already know, but it'll give you the lowdown on how to be a hipster. Since nobody told them that nobody reads Tl;dr, their articles are always tl;dr. Don't even bother trying to read one. Instead, go right to the Do's and Don'ts' page and click every single picture until you find something funny.
American Apparel
The Mecca of all hipsters. Their speciality is plain clothing, in every color under the sun. These go from primaries, to pastels, to neons, because it is the pinnacle of hipness to own a t-shirt in fifty different colors.
Their side-operation is hiring a bunch of ugly-looking girls for the owner to fuck. The models in their advertisements are all IRL salespersons, and you can be sure of that, because professional models are never that buttfuck ugly. This is just fine for Don Chavey, because fucking girls uglier than him hardens his dick.
By the by, if you google Don Chavey, you will find article upon article laving his butthole by talking about how sexually charged his ad campaign and general store layout is. If you think ugly chicks in a minamalist-furnished storefront is sexy, I suggest a sex therapist instead of another bottle of viagra.
Hipster Furries
External Links
- The Hipster Handbook This book changed my life... for the worse.
- Pitchfork media -- Try not to get any on you. It stings when it gets in the eyes.
- Questionable Content - Hipster webcomic.
- forums.hipinion.com -- msgboard full of hipsters, or are they?
- Hipsters Are Annoying
- Musigyny, the latest hipster CD. All the family will have their favorites, from "Drinking Cough Syrup for a Kick" to "All The Girls like Big Dick"
- Look at this fucking hipster Daily critique of badly dressed morons.
- Arguably the most pretentious, "Rad" bike anyone has ever seen, ever. I guarantee it.
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Hipster is part of a series on Whores. |
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Hipster is part of a series on Music |
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