Ted Stevens
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Ted Stevens is the inventor of YouTube. He is also a United States Senator who wants to make the internet better for you by getting rid of net neutrality. His most notable accomplishment is becoming an old meme the same day he became e-famous.
While it is occasionally acceptable for the senile to discuss things they actually experienced, such as World War I, it is both terrifying and lulz when the 79-year-old chief architect of the Bridge to Nowhere speaks forth on the Internets.
As net neutrality is what you are used to, it is truly mind-blowing to imagine that a senile, adult-diaper wearing king of such hookers, blow and pork might actually be responsible for reducing every non-corporate website to what AOL users infested with spyware experience. Yet, this is modern life in America, like it or fucking not.
At some point in mid-2006, Ted Stevens appeared on whatever the fuck Senate panel he is on, subservient to corporate interests, and attempted to explain how the Internets work. The result was amazing, and millions of DailyKos diarists, users, and readers jerked off to it, believing that this was the tipping point in the war against the conservatives. Sadly, they will once again be wrong, as DailyKos readers seldom have enough income to support their favorite candidates. Once again, the capitalists win.
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[edit] The Internets According to Ted
"There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right. But this service is going to go through the internet and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free. Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet? I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially. So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes. We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people [...] The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time. [?]
They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.
Where the fail train began!
No message yet. Tubes are filled.
Ted's real truck.
Ted tries to get his cat to clean the interwebsIt's a series of tubes.And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.
Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?
Do you know why?
[...]
Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.
Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day.
The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me."
(Some people defend the concept by saying most stuff on the Internet is spam, pictures of cats, bad fanfiction, and Chuck Norris jokes)
[edit] Home state
Ted Stevens is the official senator for Alaska. As a Republican, he fully supports drilling for oil in his state, causing a frothy mixture of dark oil with white snow commonly found in Alaska. This is very similar to his colleague, Santorum.
Other accomplishments:
- Winning first place in the the Iditarod (see first entry under "for men").
- Omnetscient
[edit] Other News
- His son's tubes were recently raided by the FBI in a corruption investigation. Among items found were hats labelled "Corrupt Bastards Club"
- The TSA inadvertently got some of their tubes crossed, resulting in Ted's wife, Catherine Stevens, being added to the "No-fly" list. Apparently, the malfunctioning tubes were confusing her with muslim extremist and folk singer, Cat Stevens.
- Crashdoll is sometimes fed thru a series of tubes.
- Despite his crusade to clear up everyone's tubes, Ted Stevens seems to enjoy ruining tubes belonging to those of Ventrilo users while listening to Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue. His mischievous deeds have been recorded and posted on Youtube:
[edit] Ted-Stevie Fanbase
He has brought up a giant fanbase recently. Here's one of his tards.
Need I say moar?
[edit] Corruption? In my Senate?
As recently as Last Thursday, Senator Stevens' Alaska Home was raided by teh Feds in connection with a corruption investigation. Stevens had this to say,
"I continue to believe this investigation should proceed to its conclusion without any appearance that I have attempted to influence its outcome," Stevens said. "The legal process should be allowed to proceed so that all the facts can be established and the truth determined."
The raid spawned from an investigation into the VECO oil company's practices on its way to Tens of millions of dollars in federal contracts. The heads of the company have already pled guilty to bribery and extortion and shit. It's pretty obvious from this article that even if Teddy isn't guilty of accepting bribes in exchange for contracts, He and the oil company exec are in bed together anyway. Fuckin' racehorses.
