Twilight
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Twilight, along with its cash-cow sequels New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn are a four novel long vampire romance series appealing to up-and-coming young women with shitty taste in literary fiction. Twilight is shat out by hack writer Stephenie Meyer, whose phenomenal success indicates to many that Americans have lost what little taste they ever had. Chock-full of two-dimensional characters and completely devoid of originality, it reads like a 12-year-old's fanfic of Anne Rice. Avoid reading it at all costs because the book is a waste of paper and trees.
Contents |
The Author
Stephenie Meyer graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelors Degree in English, receiving the best education you can get from a school which gives the Eucharist and the alcohol-free blood of Christ in the cafeteria (note the links at the bottom of the college's front page to The Church of Latter Day Saints and the Missionary Training Center). Looking at her writing abilities, apparently getting a Degree in English is about as hard as baptizing a dead person. Instead of teaching kids about compound sentences and verbs, she decided to write a book. Why write in first person? It's because the entire series is actually a wet dream that the author had. She wishes she could be Bella, and decided that she could profit from the wet dream. The idea for Twilight came in a wet dream she had about a sparkling vampire in a meadow blabbering on about how hesitant he is to love a mortal. Three months later, Twilight was written and on its way to super stardom.
| —Stephenie talks about her self-insert dreams. |
| —Stephenie, on her wet dreams. |
After being hailed as the next J. K. Rowling by Time Magazine, Stephenie suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. Meyer goes so far as to actually brag about how easy it was for her to become an immediate success with all the little 12 year old girls and stupid fucks out there buying her shit. A side note: all of Meyer's photos try to hide how overweight she actually is. Maybe if she spent some time jazzercising and less time writing vampire fanfiction, her husband would actually touch her and she wouldn't have to dream about Edward fucking Bella all day long. Her husband probably just fucks the other two wives he's married to and Meyer is just there to make money.
It should also be noted that Meyer's taste in music is complete shit, as explained by the fact that she said Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance were inspirations for her as she wrote the series. (Here and here, respectively). This explains why so much of the books is spent with the characters angsting about trivial shit, and proves once and for all that if you read Twilight, you are an emo.
Stephen King is Not Amused by Your Faggotry
To further pour salt on the wounds of Twilight fangirls unable to accept the fact that their beloved series is the literary equivalent of a four-year-old's crayon scribblings, Stephen King came out in early 2009 and expressed his distaste for the series' author:
| —Stephen King, telling it like it is. |
This lulzy and undeniably true quote came by way of an interview that King gave to the U.S. Weekend magazine in late January. The interview covered numerous topics, and eventually found its way to Harry Potter and Twilight. King admitted that while both series are fantasy novels aimed at prepubescent girls, the difference was that J.K. Rowling is actually a competent writer, whereas Stephanie Meyer is an untalented whore. The quote:
| —LOL |
Naturally, being averse to all forms of logic, truth, and good taste, this statement enraged the armies of Twilight fans around the internet, creating all sorts of delicious drama and fangirl tears.
On March 6th, USA Weekend put up a poll on their site in response to the internet shitstorm that came about as a result of their interview with Stephen King to find out which author of the three (King, Rowling and Meyer) truly was the best. Here's the poll. As of now King is dominating the poles with over 60% of the vote, Rowling holds at least 20% leaving Stephenie Meyer, who supposedly was the newest thing and was leaving old authors like King in the dust, with only 7%. Some argue that this is because King is a halfway decent writer and Meyer is a blabbering dipshit.
| The Characters | ||||
| Isabella Swan | | Jacob Black | Renesmee (Nessie) Carlie Cullen | Secondary Characters |
Bella
The dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find outside of online fanfiction. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but a self-insertion for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful", so her name actually means "beautiful swan". Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy, which the Mary Sue article will tell you is not an actual fault. If you have any doubt about Bella being a Sue, just read this description of Bella from Meyer herself, which goes so far as to describe the shape of her mouth and once again testifying to her fail.
Edward The vampire of Bella's affection, he is at least a hundred years old and is a vegetarian vampire and a good guy since he abstains from eating humans, but pet owners watch out! He could be eating your cat as you are reading this! There is no moment where he isn't in complete control of Bella. When it comes to her, he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who considers doing her, including Jacob Black. What fans of Twilight seemingly fail to realize is that such qualities (overbearing possessiveness, watching Bella while she sleeps and so on) are more often found in sex offenders than the perfect man. Such things can apparently be ignored/forgiven when love is supposedly involved. Edward can also read people's minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat on game shows. However, he can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake. However, it is revealed in Breaking Dawn that Edward can't read Bella's mind because, in all actuality, she has no brain waves and/or thoughts. Yeah, she's that kind of special.
Jacob A Native American werewolf teenager with a massive sex drive, and a self-proclaimed mechanic. Jacob is also an obsessive fanboy over Bella, and faps to her over 9,000 times a day. His lust for Bella conflicting with Edward's lust for Bella causes Twilight fans to have wars with each other, leading to mass internet bloodshed and emo tears. One half of the fanbase raves, complete with big fangirl tears, that Bella is going to marry Jacob, the other half believes Bella is going to marry Edward. But don't get this confused with all the other totally original vampire/werewolf romance novels.
Nessie Nessie Cullen is Bella and Edward's mutant hybrid spawn-of-Satan kid. It was nicknamed after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella's true love interest. Its full name is Renesmee Carlie Cullen and for entirely obvious and pertinent reasons that are relevant to the storyline, it has an extra chromosomal pair, making it a werewolf as well. Many lulz are had at this, as anyone with even the most rudimentary understanding of biology knows that an extra chromosomal pair results in Down's Syndrome, not werewolves. According to the author of this shit storm, vampire + human = werewolf (see The Munsters) because FUCK YOU SCIENCE.
Besides being really cute and having lots of pretty white teeth, Nessie also has the joy of growing super-fast; which is ironic since vampires aren't supposed to age, so it proves the author doesn't even know her own mythology. Its soon-to-be-husband Jacob Black only has to wait seven years to begin the banging.
Alice Cullen Alice Cullen is Edward's perky step-sister who has the nifty ability to predict the future, which, like Edward, allows her to cheat on game shows. She very much enjoys throwing parties like her long lost brother Corey Delaney. She is said to resemble Taylor Swift, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Amy Winehouse. Along with moving like a gazelle and routinely dancing across the cafeteria - literally - Alice is said to rival even the toughest of the tough. Fangirls like to think that she, along with her God-like step-brother Edward, can and will kill Chuck Norris. This is the biggest example of a lie in the history of mankind, even more untrue than the cake.
Jasper Hale Jasper is a HALE. Like Edward and Alice he has some sort of power but it's pretty crappy compared to the other two. He also has a very big penis and loves to sing some songs about the confederacy. As a southerner at heart, Jasper is known for participating in acts of incest with his brothers and sisters in his past lives, and, naturally, in this life.
Rosalie Hale Rosalie HALE is a spoiled slutty blonde whore whose family was apparently very well off during the Great Depression because her dad owned a bank. They were able to maintain their well being of course by stealing money from the bank accounts of their clients like a bunch of Jews. She only became a vampire after getting raped by her "soon to be" husband. Carlisle kidnapped her and after some pointless whining she became a vampire. Like every single fucking girl in the series, she's like, super jealous of the special and unique Bella.
Emmett Cullen is often described in the book like a bear. He is in fact the son of a naturalist who, after accidentally giving himself a mild tranquilizer while attempting to knock out a bear, wound up having unprotected sex with said bear. If you can't do the math, this makes Emmett a half breed.
Carlisle Cullen
Carlisle Cullen is a senile retard in town. When he first became a vampire he hid away in the London sewers and was a shut-in (mind you it was 300 years before TV was invented.) Meanwhile, nobody knew where the rapist Latin vampires went after they raped him. A dodgy doctor by day and a vegetarian vampire by night. Originally wanted to be a vet, but after all of the animals in his surgery died under mysterious circumstances, he decided he'd go into operating on people instead. This didn't work either, so he fled the country and joined the Peace Corps in Canada, where he got gang raped by some old, fugly vampires and became their slave for a few decades. It was after escaping, with the use of a rusty spoon and a dildo, that he met his soul mate, Esme.
Esme Cullen The wife of Carlisle and the "adoptive mother", Esme has no real role in the book, except for being a subservient bitch who bends over whenever big boi Carlisle wants. She generally strokes Bella's face and tells her "it's all going to be okay." She has no real skills and just plain sucks.
The Volturi are composed of three gay men and are highly regarded as vampire royalty despite the obvious fact that they do nothing but hump each other day in, day out and huff jenkem. They also enjoy hunting other vampires and have also been reported to be serial cannibals, even deadlier than Hannibal Lecter as well as that they think that humans, particularly babies, make tasty snacks. The Volturi are also known to frequent gay bars in their spare time and fantasize about raping other vampires such as Edward Cullen and Lestat de Lioncourt.
Plot
The books are cooking in the cesspool of the modern monster-drama genre, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and the Anita Blake series, where instead of being terrifying and ripping people in half, the monsters live among humans, go to high school, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun, due to the fact that they are all soaked in their own jizz. More than half of each book is characters giving wry smiles, chuckling, hissing, glaring, and raising eyebrows during vapid and angsty conversation. The stories are written in the first person, from Bella Swan's point of view - but since she's an insipid airhead, it's easy for the reader to forget. If you dig a hole in middle-class suburbia and throw in a 16-year-old girl, a self-loathing emo vampire and a date-raping werewolf, you get the gist of the series. TL;DR: a hopeless romantic bitch obsesses over her vampire boyfriend who's been a virgin for a century.
Twilight
The first book in this train wreck. Bella Swan moves to a redneck logging town in Washington called Forks, and meets a vampire named Edward Cullen. Somehow Edward finds Bella's incessant bitching and moaning attractive, so they fall in love. After pages of nauseating flirting and Edward's family somehow enjoying their secret vampire identities being in jeopardy, a plot finally falls from the sky; a group of hobo vampires show up and want to suck Bella dry. The leader, James, is especially attracted to Bella, and wants to eat her.
New Moon
OH NOES! EDWARD LEAVES BELLA, because he wants to protect her from himself. Afterward, Bella becomes super emo and doesn't do anything for a while, which makes for a super exciting sequel. Jacob, a Native American who totally wants to be BFFs with Bella, fills in during Edward's absence, fulfilling Bella's need to be a complete attention whore at all times. Bella also has a dream where Jacob becomes a wolf - WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?!
Eclipse
A love triangle ensues between Edward, Bella, and Jacob. The furfag Jacob is now purposely acting like a douche to all vampires because he's jealous of Edward. Bella's primary objective in life is to get sex from Edward, but he wants to wait until marriage. Jacob considers killing himself if Bella doesn't kiss him. Frenching ensues, and Bella, the cheap harlot, realizes that she loves both Edward and Jacob, because she is completely inept when it comes to making decisions for herself, and Stephenie apparently can't think up a better conflict which would make Bella seem less retarded. Edward also gets an erection as Furfag mind-rapes Bella in a tent.
Breaking Dawn
Bella gets married to Edward, has violent banana-bruising sex, has a rib-breaking pregnancy, gives birth to her daughter by C-section, becomes a vampire, and prepares for a battle to protect Nessie from the Evil Vampire Gang, a battle which anti-climatically never happens. This further exposes her inability to conceive even a single entertaining piece if work. Then, the book ends in a magical field of sugar-plum fairies, gumdrop rainbows, and orgasming unicorns with the line, "and then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."
| —Meyer, responding to "Don't burn it, return it" |
Midnight Sun
Also known as Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo, this book will be the same old stupid shit from the first Twilight, only told from Edward's perspective, undeniable proof that Meyer is not only shameless, but also lazy; she gets to recycle all her old dialogue, change a few verbs and nouns and write approximately 2% of a new book. This book plus the following Twilight Guide book and the movie companion version of the book just prove that Stephenie is just milking these fangirls for all they're worth.
August 28, 2008: Midnight Sun leaks onto the interwebs. A butthurt Stephenie Meyer writes about how the leak saddens her on her website. The culprit of the breach isn't some l337 hacker, but in a true showcase of stupidity, Meyer herself. She's been throwing around unfinished drafts like they were confetti, even giving one to the guy who plays Edward in the shitty movie adaption of Twilight so he could "better understand his character." RPattz most likely leaked the manuscript in retaliation of being stuck playing a character he hates. Someone needs to call the WAAAAHMBULANCE! There is now a Publish Midnight Sun (PMS) Petition full of illiterate aspie fangirls bawwing and begging for Midnight Sun in caps lock.
| —Stephenie Meyer, finally having a good idea. |
The Twilight Fanbase
See Twitard.
Movie
Twilight somehow proved popular enough that a bunch of people made it into a film, which, to the disappointment of many, does not star or feature this guy as Edward. In this abomination of mankind, the retard (Rob Pattinson) who signed a contract (he is only retarded if he signed by his own will which he probably did) to play the snaggletooth, albino, anorexic, crackhead with Lyme Disease, wannabe emo, and pedophile who absolutely adores Pedobear's work, and wants to be just like him, Edward fucking Cullen, the book-famous attention man-whore. Fangirls all over the world are bitching and whining about how he isn't in the movie, but we all know that when it comes out they'll go see it anyway and have multiple orgasms when RPattz comes onto the screen, giving extreme lulz or eyeburning to the people who will see the videos of said orgasms on YouTube for weeks to come.
Fucking things up like always, the Americans had to get the cheapest surefire hunk on the market to wet the panties of its fanbase, particularly one who has already established his name with the tweeny market (starring in things with Daniel Radcliffe).
As he was killed off during the final scenes of The Goblet of Fire, Cedric Diggory aka RPattz was looking for anything he could get to tide him over until he got the cheque for the Dali movie. Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into until it was too late and he was signed up for three movies. Send him fan letters with ideas on how to get fired because try as he might it just hasn't happened yet. He might pass your tips on to Kristen Stewart aka Bella, who also wants out.
Utilizing the skills of Catherine Hardwicke, this movie is going to be the biggest piece of shit to hit the screens since the Love Guru, but due to its high numbers of fangirls it has already greenlighted a sequel. New Moon, where NOTHING HAPPENS, is going to be a movie too.
In a particularly lulzy development, both of the lead actors have come forward to admit the author and fans are essentially batshit:
| —Robert Pattinson, quoted for truth |
| — A film buff gives his verdict |
Plot summary by FauxAaron:
So, okay, there's this girl, right, and her name is Bella Swan, and her dad is in the L.A.P.D and one day her mom dies so they move out to the small town of Forks Washington because her dad has dreams of being a hermit in the wooded Pacific Northwest like all Vietnam veterans suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Anyway right, Bella starts up her first day at highschool in Forks Washington and everyone hates her and ostracises the fuck out of her, because she's Black or German or some shit, so Bella meets and rapidly falls in love with the dark and brooding and mysterious young man known only as: Twilight (hence the title).
Anyway, Bella and Twilight fall in love and have all kinds of crazy teenage sex when one night Twilight's power mask falls off and Bella sees his gills, meaning that Twilight is a member of a tribe of ancient, frightening and long misunderstood demons. That's right, Twilight is in fact: A Dracula. And when Bella is shocked and pissed the fuck off, but her love for Twilight overpowers her fear and her anger, and takes Bella back to meet her Dracula clan, and her Dracula cousins; New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. And in their underworld Dracula compound, Bella engages in feasts and orgies with Twilight and his family, and Bella wishes never to return to her asshole dad, who is responsible for the wonderful turn her life has taken.
Bella asks Twilight to turn her into a Dracula so that she may live forever and may have feasts and orgies and ride the night on the back of a flying motorcycle, wind in her hair, and liberation, palpable as SHIT. Twilight declines because he's faggot like that, not wanting to taint her beauty by giving her Dracula gills or whatever fag ass reason he has. Anyway, Bella thinks that something's up because she's a detective, and she waits until Twilight gets good and drunk during one of the orgies and overhears him talking to his Dracula grandfather, king of the Draculas known only as - The Host. Bella listens and she hears Twilight reveal that he is the Dracula responsible for killing Bella's mother, and Bella gets pissed the FUCK off.
Bella challenges Twilight to a fight to the death to avenge her mother, who she then learns was a famous Dracula slayer. Bella is torn between her love for Twilight and her love for her mother knowing that Twilight was probably only acting in self defence against her mother who hunted Draculas. Anyway, Bella confused and conflicted runs into the Forks national forest to meditate and focus her chi. The spirit of her mother arises from a lake made of tears of blood and tells Bella to follow her heart. Bella steals herself, and takes up her katana and samurai armour. She rides through the night on horseback with her ten thousand strong army of Mongols united under her common law and irradiates all of the Draculas off the face of Forks Washington. She kills Twilight's mortal form and rapes his soul and makes him feel like an ASSHOLE for the pain that he caused her.
With her mother thoroughly avenged, Bella returns to Lake Blood Tears and watches as the spirit of her mother ascends into Valhalla, where she will battle the greatest fallen warriors in Dracula history in preparation for Ragnarok. Bella goes stag to her highschool prom that year and tells the popular girls all what cunts they are and threatens to do Tae-Kwon-Do at them if they ever fuck with her ass again. After the prom, Bella walks out of the dance hall and breathes in the night air. She takes a long and pensive drag on a cigarette and puts on her reflective aviators even though it's nightime. She slips into her leather jacket as though it were a second skin to her, straddles her Triumph Rocket III, gripping the tallest set of ape-hangers your ass has ever seen, and rides off into the sunset, wind in her hair, shotgun slung over her shoulder, keetar slung over her shoulder forming an 'x' on the back of her back (which is symbolic), and wearing a look of determination on her face.
She remembers how during her great battle, Twilight's cousin New Moon escaped and ran from the Dracula lair. She knows that New Moon will soon be rounding up the other Dracula clans from around the world to exact revenge on Bella and her Mongols. As Bella rides off, she gives the audience one last bit of narration: "They'll come for me. Wherever I go, they’ll be there. For their sake, I hope these bastards know what they’re in for. No mercy. No forgiveness. No fucking around.” Fade to black.
TL;DR? See: My Immortal.
| Twihards at Movie Premiere | ||||||
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See also:
- Deadpool STOPS A CRISIS
- Video clip where Robert Pattinson gets scared shitless by rabid fantards
- Robert Pattinson says Stephenie Meyer is mad (insane)
- Trailer form the movie where Bella says "Let's say I'm not smart!"
Gallery
| Twilight Images | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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External Links
Fan Related
- Stephenie Meyer's website
- The Twilight Series's official website
- Twilight Lexicon
- Twilight Saga Wiki
- Twilight moms forum. Full of 40 year old twitards and insanity.
- CULLENISM IS NOW A RELIGION.
- Cullenism site even has a church.
- Chatroom for Twilight fans. You know what to do
Anti-Related
- [1]
- The Anti-Twilight Movement: Because real vampires don't SPARKLE.
(Baleeted)Disregard that. Still open for lulz. - [http://www.TwilightSucks.com TwilightSucks.com, a critique site.
- A catalog of repeated shit in the book.
- The Psychology of Twilight.
- How Twilight is Destroying America and Harming Our Youth.
- A helpful, enlightening review of Twilight by someone with a brain!
...and another oneand another! - A critique of the entire saga.
- Twilight chapter by chapter summary.
- Summarizing the Idiocy: possibly the most accurate summary of all four Twilight books.
- A Fandom_Wank article on the Midnight Sun leak
- Twilight Parodies: "Daybreak" and "The Most Popular Book in the Whole World"
- "Vampire Christ" Funny and accurate short story depicting how Twilight fucked up the vampire genre.
- A bum reviews Twilight: The Movie.
- Anti-Twilight/Twilight Raid coordination wiki
- Stephen King haets Twilight.
- Bella Swan gets planked.
- The inevitable porn parody is discovered.
- [2] IMDb reviews.
- The
bestsecond best review of Twilight...ever - The best review of Twilight, suitable for /b/tards.
- An LJfag's review of Twilight.
- FML edition
See Also
- Twitard
- Inheritance
- Vampires
- Werewolves
- 16-year-old girl
- My Immortal by Tera Gilesbie.
- Harry Potter
- Nuttymadam
- viperhor
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Twilight is part of a series on Trolls. |
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