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Unabomber

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Theodore Kaczynski, aka The Unabomber was a hobo living in a shack in Iowa or something and made a living shrapnel bombing babies and writing Gonzo journalism which he later extorted the newspapers in to printing, in lieu of a'sploding metal splinters in their goatse'd rosy pink orifices. Besides writing turgid wankery and making crude explosive devices, he was also a major cunt. He sent bombs to several universities and airlines from the late 1970s through the mid-1990s, and helped make airport security the clusterfuck it is today. Even at making shit worse, we're way better than those towelhead dickbags.

1 When you see it, you will shit shrapnel
2 A growin' boy
3 Turgid Wankery
4 White Americans Hate America

[edit] When you see it, you will shit shrapnel

Artist Rendition of Dr. Raoul Douche

Real mugshot. With the epileptic fucking sketch artist it's a miracle they ever caught the fucker

The dystopian nature of his ramblings are pretty common with people who were dropped on the head as a newborn and grew up in a shack in no-mans land without electricity, pussy and sewers.

Cockzinsky or how ever the fuck his name is pronounced, was charged by the FBI for a number of things, but mainly blowing shit up. In his April 24, 1995 letter to the New York Times, he promised "to desist from terrorism" if the Times or a similarly respected news journal would publish his manifesto. The Times caved, proving that they are liberal wussies.

Kaczynski's moniker as the Unabomber was derived from his FBI codename. Before his real identity was known, the FBI used the handle "UNABOM" ("UNiversity and Airline BOMber") to refer to his case, which resulted in variants such as Unabomer, Unibomber, and Unabomber when the media started using the name, as is customary of the media to fuck things up the moment they lay their filthy hands on it.

[edit] A growin' boy

He was born to Polish parents, which explains his ability to survive without electricity, water or a shitter that wasn't a branch. It does not explain, however, how he got materials to make a bomb as household items are non-existent in Poland, and people survive through the ingestion of tobacco, tractor-oil and gravel.

He went to Kindergarten and school in Chicago, which makes it a pretty safe bet he hung out with the Blues Brothers and some negroes singing about disenfranchisement of the black people, backed by harmonica players named things like Blind Dead McJones and the lyrics sounding something like “I ain't got nuffin and dey takin' dat too”.

It was discovered at an early age that he had a high IQ, which at first was thought to be signs of a genius, but as we know now proven by people like Stephen Hawking, a high IQ usually just means you're a dickbag with a huge fucking ego. I mean, born in Kent and talking with an American accent, what a wanker.

Yada yada yada, autism, became friends with a cripple because he was an IRL loser who could only identify his social failure with someone made an outcast due to his basketball ineptitude (little did he know the guy would eventually fucking rule at murderball, was subjected to cruel mind games by a megalomaniac Dr. Frankenstein of the mind called Dr. Whothefuckcares, subsequently was brainwashed and did great at school, thus logically crap at life.

[edit] Turgid Wankery

Warning!:
Actual relevant TL;DR shit follows. If you value your e-credentials, skip this part.

“	The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in "advanced" countries, but they have destabilized society, have made life unfulfilling, have subjected human beings to indignities, have led to widespread psychological suffering (in the Third World to physical suffering as well) and have inflicted severe damage on the natural world. The continued development of technology will worsen the situation. It will certainly subject human beings to greater indignities and inflict greater damage on the natural world, it will probably lead to greater social disruption and psychological suffering, and it may lead to increased physical suffering—even in "advanced" countries.	„
—Unabomber, http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Industrial_Society_and_Its_Future

This bland Orwellian wet dream recycled bullshit is obviously something he got turned on by, because he lived in a shack and couldn't get intertube-pr0n like regular deviants, the curious nature and lucidity of his radical reasoning aside.

The world waits anxiously as people start to Rule 34 The Manifesto and Mugshot of this banana-pie mongrel.

[edit] White Americans Hate America

It is rumored that the Unabomber was copycatting Timothy McVeigh, but as we all know the Unatard didn't have intertubes or TV so he couldn't have known there was another white guy out to make American bestest and loveliest sunflower nation of world-desu.

Another possibility is David Koresh from the Waco An Hero-fest '93, but again there are big differences. David got laid constantly by 14 year olds, and Crackzinsky never even got a hummer in a bathroom stall from the blowdrier. Also, he didn't do something dumb like killing himself, even this guy didn't suck that much at life. I mean, getting 14 year olds to bang your hairy ass daily? What a putz.

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Unabomber
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Terrorists