University of Phoenix
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
University of Phoenix is a fictional online university brought to you by the innovative minds serving the failure community with inventions such as ITT Tech, Kaplan University, and The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.
Providing convenient online courses to basement-dwellers in combination with a wide variety of useless academic degrees, University of Phoenix has established a reputation as a reliable paper mill for keyboard warriors that already have an associate of arts degree in their inventories, are unable to leave their parents' homes to attend a mockery of a campus, or looking to pad the résumé to cheat their way into gainful employment. When they do finish it, their final diploma is equivalent to Ron Paul's nomination.
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[edit] Tuition
Tuition at University of Phoenix is relative to the ass-rape commonly associated with ITT Tech and Kaplan University. The costs are considerably higher, in both monetary value, the tolls inflicted upon the credit score of the student, and the eventual death of the human soul as a direct result of matriculating to University of Phoenix. The main deviation from the structure used by both aforementioned schools is that the students likely attended one or the other as an undergraduate, and are fully aware of the consequences as a result of their experience.
Payment plans are generally available to the potential students. The initial shock of using both legal tender and loans that accrue interest as opposed to Warcraft gold and Second Life property deeds usually dissipates within months, but contingencies are in place for those that are unable to make the adjustment. Anal rape and Toledo Burritos are now common costs.
[edit] Courses
Assuming suckers students have survived the MMORPG-like lower levels of the pyramid scheme known as online education, students are granted access to the second series of levels in a calculated effort to deceive the suckers students into believing that their e-penises will grow with every useless degree which is bought and paid for with the help of greedy loansharks.
Courses available for download and third grade-level printed workbooks include;
- Business/Accounting
- Business/Administration
- Business/Communication
- Business/e-Business
- Business/Finance
- Business/Hospitality
[edit] Advanced Courses
The more industrious students (demonstrated with level 60+ characters in both World of Warcraft and Star Wars: Battlefront II) are quickly promoted past the second series of levels and granted the rank of OTIII graduate student. Massive increases in unwarranted self-importance and douchebaggery are considered perks of these promotions, along with the neckbeards.
Courses available for download and construction paper and crayon kits include;
- Master of Science in Counseling/Community Counseling
- Master of Science in Counseling/Marriage and Family Counseling
- Master of Science in Counseling/Marriage, Family and Child Therapy
- Master of Science in Counseling/Mental Health
- Master of Science in Counseling/School Counseling
[edit] Special Education Courses
The high number of retards combined with the inherent laziness of the rest of the student body, treading water in regards to online education is to be expected. Students are given the opportunity to achieve the degrees they should have added to their inventories and HotBars while inhabiting the lower levels of the online education MMORPG as lame undergraduates.
Courses available for download and stone tablet and chisel kits include;
- Associate of Arts in General Studies
- Associate of Arts in Criminal Justice
- Associate of Arts in Elementary Education
- Associate of Arts in Psychology
- Associate of Arts in Health Care Administration with Emphasis in Medical Records
- Associate of Arts in Health Care Administration with Emphasis in Pharmacy Practice
[edit] Graduation
After years of finger-painting and the online college equivalent of macaroni art, students are declared educated and sent into the world in order to infect new hosts and metastasize the University of Phoenix brand of ignorance and incompetence in the workplace. This is closely-related to wealthy ignorance and incompetence in the workplace, but with less access to political office and the upper echelon of corporate America; failing at this too. And if you take out even moar student loans, you may just be able to afford a P-p-p-powerbook!
[edit] Known "students" with University of Phoenix
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- University of Phoenix - Official website
- UoPSucks - A group of bitter punks, clearly jealous they could never make it up the ranks at UoP
