User:Chunkmunky/EXTREME ANIMALS
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
HI BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN EXCITING OFFER THAT WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND FROM THE THE PEOPLE BEHIND SHAMWOW AND THE MAKERS OF EXTREME ADVERTISING COMES EXTREME ANIMALS YOU RECEIVE 6 COUNT EM 7 EXTREME FUCKING ANIMALS THATS RIGHT 8 EXTREME MOTHERFUCKING ANIMALS 9 BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE CALL NOW AND RECEIVE BONUS SECTIONS SUCH AS TABLE OF CONTENTS AND SEE ALSO HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME CALL NOW OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!!!!!!!!
Contents |
CROCODILE
THIS.
YOU SEE THIS MOTHERFUCKER?
GOOD, YOU GODDAMN BETTER, BECAUSE HE SEE'S YOU, BITCH.
THIS IS A FUCKING FULL GROWN NAME-TAKING, ASS RAPING SALTWATER CROCODILE. YOU BEST GET ON YOU KNEES IN FRONT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT, HE'S A GODDAMN LIVING DINOSAUR. ALL THOSE OTHER DINOSAURS?
DEAD.
T-REX?
DEAD.
MOTHERFUCKING BRACHIEOSAURUS?
DEADER THAN YOUR SEX LIFE, YOU SAD SACK PEICE OF SHIT. BUT THIS MOTHERFUCKERS STILL ALIVE, STILL EATING WHAT AND WHOEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. HE DID'NT EVEN HAVE TO CHANGE HIS EVOLUTIONARY CHARACTERISTICS TO ADAPT TO CHANGING CLIMATES, CHANGING TIMES, HELL, A WHOLE CHANGING WORLD. HE WAS BORN BADASS, AND BADASS HE'LL STAY. YOU BEST RECOGNISE HIS BADASSERY WHO LIMP WRISTED GUTTER TRASH SHITPILES.
HAMSTER
FUCK YOU FAGGOTS, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FROM ALL THE BRICKS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHIT AFTER SEEING THIS CRAZY MOTHER FUCKER. THIS BITCH IS TINY AS HELL SO YOU CAN'T SEE WHERE THE FUCK HE'S GONNA BE, PROBABLY UP YOUR FUCKING ASS.
HE HAS THESE FUCKING THINGS ON HIS BACK THAT CAN PROBABLY RIP THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FURNITURE, MOTHER FUCKER IS INSANE WITH THAT
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE FUCKING EYES, JESUS CHRIST ITS LIKE YOU'RE STARING INTO TWO TINY BLACK HOLES OF DESPAIR, MOTHERFUCKER, WE'RE TALKING ENDLESS POOLS OF FUCKING NOTHING. THAT'S HOW HARDCORE HE IS.
FUCK, THIS IS AWESOME.
GIANT ISOPOD
GENTLEMEN BEHOLD, I GIVE YOU THE FINEST OF ABYSMAL FUCKWIN AWESOMENESS.
THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE IS THE MOTHERFUCKING GIANT ISOPOD. IT'S GOT ENOUGH CLAWS TO RIP OUT BOTH YOUR THROAT AND YOUR LOWER INTESTINE. IT IS A FUCKING SIXTEEN INCHES WHEN ADULT.
SIXTEEN MOTHERFUCKING INCHES, HOLY DICK.
IT WON'T JUST RAPE YOUR MOTHER, IT'LL BITE OFF YOUR MEAT-STICK WITH IT'S FUCKING MULTI-KNIFE MANDIBLES.
ITS YOUNG EVEN HIDE ON FISH DICKS, SO WHEN ANOTHER FISH DECIDES TO GIVE ANOTHER FISH A BLOWJOB, IT RUNS INTO THE OTHER FISH'S MOUTH, EATS ITS TONGUE, THEN TAKES IT'S PLACE.
THE FISH DOESN'T KNOW JACK SHIT.
THIS FUCKING AWESOME PIECE OF SHIT WILL RIP YOU A FUCKING NEW ONE.
TARDIGRADE
YOU THINK THOSE FUCKERS ARE TOUGH? WELL YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A REAL BAD MOTHERFUCKER YET SO HERE HE IS.
THIS IS A GODDAMN TARDIGRADE. COMMONLY KNOWN AS WATER BEAR. THE FUCKER IS ONLY 1.5mm LONG AT MAXIMUM, BUT HE'S SO GODDAMN TOUGH THEY CALL HIM BEAR. BECAUSE NOTHING ELSE COMES CLOSE AND EVEN YOU RETARDS HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
150 C° TEMPERATURE? NO PROBLEM. 1000 TIMES MORE RADIATION THAN ANY OTHER ANIMAL ON EARTH. NO PROBLEM. MOTHERFUCKING VACUUM OF SPACE. NO GOD DAMN PROBLEM.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER LIVES WHERE HE WANTS AND DON'T AFRAID OF NOTHING. AND IF YOU THINK HE'S COOL AND WANNA BUY HIM A DRINK. DON'T YOU EVEN FUCKING TRY IT. HE HAD A SIP LESS THAN A DECADE AGO SO HE WON'T BE NEEDING YOUR PUSSY-ASS WATER SO JUST FUCK OFF.
DUNKLEOSTEUS
ALRIGHT YOU FUCKS, GET DOWN ON YOUR ASS AND PRAY YOUR THANKS THAT God FOUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER SO AMAZINGLY BADASS THAT HE HAD TO TAKE HIM OFF THE PLANET.
DUNKLEOSTEUS IS ABOUT TO ROCK YOU SHITS BACK INTO THE LATE DEVONIAN PERIOD.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS ROUGHLY 20FT LONG, AND HAD FUCKING BONES ON HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD! WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR HEAD? WEAKASS PUNY-HUMAN HAIR IS WHAT YOU HAVE, YOU BITCHES.
DUNKLEOSTEUS HAD A BITE FORCE OF 5300N. YOU FAGS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS DO YOU? I'LL TRANSLATE: DUNKLEOSTEUS WILL FUCK. YOUR. SHIT. BACKWARDS. THIS BRUTAL MOTHERFUCKER COULD OPEN HIS JAW SO FAST, IT CREATED A GOD DAMN SUCTION EFFECT. YOU KNOW HOW YOU'D FAIR IN THAT? YOU'D FAIR LIKE DINNER. NO. FUCK THAT. MORE LIKE A SNACK. A PUSSY SNACK. CAUSE THATS WHAT YOU ALL ARE. PUSSIES.
TASMANIAN DEVIL
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HAVEN'T SEEN MOTHERFUCKING ANYTHING YET GODDAMN. THIS IS A FUCKING TASMANIAN DEVIL YOU FUCKS AND HE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. YOU SEE THOSE TEETH? THAT FUCKING JAW? IT WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING BONY ARMS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. AND LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING TESTICALS GODDAMN. HE'S GOT BIGGER FUCKING BALLS THAN YOU DO AND FOR GOOD REASON TOO.
WHEN THIS SCARY FUCK GETS HORNY HIS EARS GO BRIGHT FUCKING RED AND HE |RAPES YOU WITH HIS THRUSTING BEAR-CAT MANHOOD, BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A TINY BEAR MIXED WITH A CAT, AND THAT IS THE MEANEST ANIMAL MIXTURE EVER, BEAR FOR FUCKING STRENGTH, AND CAT FOR FUCKING MEAN!!! MOTHERFUCKER.
AND DON'T MAKE THIS CUNT ANGRY, BECAUSE BEFORE YOU CAN MAKE A HULK REFERENCE, HE WOULD ALREADY HAVE DROWNED OUT ALL OTHER NOISE THAN HIS TERRIBLE SHRIEKING AND THE FACT THAT HE'S MADE THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE SMELL LIKE DEATH. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A GODDAMN SATAN AND HE WANTS YOU TO FUCKING KNOW IT. JUST TRY SOMETHING, HE'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
THERIZINOSAUR
THERIZINOSAURS ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING PINNACLE OF EVOLUTIONARY BADASSARY.
SEE THOSE CLAWS, YOU BITCHES? THOSE ARE OVER A METER IN LENGTH. THERIZINOSAUR WOULD FUCK YOUR SHIT ALL OVER HELL AND BACK.
YOU COCKFAGS MIGHT THINK THAT SINCE HE'S A HERBAVORE HE'D BE A PUSSY, WELL YOU'D BE WRONG FAGGOTS. THIS MOTHERFUCKING KING OF BADASSES WAS AS TALL AS A T-REX, THATS UP TO 40FT TALL, YOU FUCKS. THERINOSAUR WAS 6.2 TONS OF COLOSSAL BRICKSHITTING AMAZEMENT.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THIS PIMP WAS SPORTING FEATHERS. HALF BIRD, HALF DINOSAUR, ALL ASSKICKING DEATH MACHINE OF JUSTICE.
HIPPO
SORRY TO CRASH THIS GIRL SCOUT'S PET PARTY, BUT I JUST HAD TO DROP BY TO PAY HOMAGE TO THE TRUE KING OF THE JUNGLE, THE HIPPOPOTAMUS. HIPPO IS A LATIN WORD, AND WHILE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE LACKS THE VOCABULARY FOR AN ACCURATE TRANSLATION, IT IS LOOSELY DEFINED AS "THAT WHICH DEFILES THE SACRED EARTH".
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WEIGH UP TO 4 TONS (THATS 2 HUMMERS BITCH). THEY ARE VESSELS FOR A RAGE SO STRONG, THAT IF THE AFRICANS SOMEHOW FOUND A WAY TO UTILIZE THEM AS A MOUNT WE'D ALL BE SPEAKING ZIMBABWEAN.
THAT'S NOT ALL MOTHERFUCKERS I LEFT THE BEST PART FOR LAST. HIPPOS CONSTANTLY PARTAKE IN AN EXERCISE CALLED 'DUNG SHOWERING'. THIS PRETTY MUCH CONSISTS OF THEM BLOWING AS MUCH SHIT AND PISS INTO THEIR RIVALS FACES AS POSSIBLE TO SHOW EM WHOSE BOSS. FOR ADDED EFFECT THEY SPIN THEIR TAIL LIKE A PROPELLER DURING THIS SHAMEFUL SHOWER, TO INCREASE THE CONE OF FIRE.
DOUBLE BIRD
ALRIGHT YOU SHITCUNTS. ARE YOU FUCKING SEEING THIS? ARE YOU? CAUSE I DONT THINK YOU ARE, CAUSE IF YOU WERE YOUR FUCKING PUSSY HEAD WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT
THATS RIGHT FUCKERS. THATS A BIRD. RIDING ANOTHER BIRD. THIS GUY IS SO MOTHERFUCKING HARDCORE, HES RIDING A FUCKING HAWK OR SOMESHIT THAT COULD KILL YOU IN A FUCKING SECOND WITH ITS RAZOR SHARP TALONS. THINK ABOUT THAT. JUST THINK. THIS FUCKING HAWK COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND DIVE BOMBS YOU CLAWING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE AND NECK. THATS IT MAN, YOUR WIMPY PIECE OF SHIT PHYSIQUE CANT TAKE ALL THIS AWESOME.
BUT ITS NOT OVER YET.
THEN THE SECOND BIRD JUMPS OFF THE FALCON AND PECKS THE FUCK OUT OF WHATEVER LITTLE PIECES OF YOU ARE LEFT. JUST GIVE UP AND SHOOT YOURSELF NOW, THIS IS TOO FUCKING HARDCORE FOR YOU.
