User:Replicant10000/Flat Earth Society

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Artist's depiction of the Earth, as it is in FES wet dreams.

THOU DIDST DIVIDE BY NOTHINGNESS, DIDST THOU NOT?

“	Rightly wishing to dispel notions regarding the alleged citrus-like shape of our planet, the Church was able to either silence or execute nearly all the fanatics. But a small handful remained, continuing to spread their blasphemous speeches and to promote their heretical ideals involving the very center of the universe. One of their number, who called himself Grigori Efimovich, would later be known to the rest of the world as Christopher Columbus. Using an elaborate setup involving hundreds of mirrors and a few burlap sacks, he was able to create an illusion so convincing that it was actually believed he had sailed around the entire planet and landed in the West Indies. As we now know, he did not. What Efimovich actually did was sail across the Atlantic Ocean to a previously undiscovered continent, North America, and even then only to a small island off the coast. It took him several years more even to "discover" his blunder and claim it as a " . . . new world". But the damage had already been done, and mankind entered into what we now call its "Dark Ages" . . . .	„
—W to the A to the T

The Flat Earth Society is what happens when Alex Jones starts a reverse Alaskan Pipeline, but instead of finishing it in the usual manner, uses its product as a sound and proceeds to giev violent buttsecks to Gene Ray. The inevitable reaction is one of horror and mirth - the former for Ray, and the latter for Jones as he laughed all the way to the World Fingerprint Bank: happy at the unimaginably humiliating pwnage done by him and also at learning that in comparison to the resulting Mpreg/offspring he is perfectly normal.

To briefly describe Ray's relation to the Flat Earth Society, his group of kooks says the Earth is cubed; the other says the Earth is a sort-of-flat cylindrical shape with a huge ice wall around it that prevents all the water from running off the planet. They both think "Round-Earthers" (AKA: people not on a steady diet of Prozac) are inbred hillbillies when they've obviously never pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to fly anywhere except to an Art Bell book signing. As proof of this; and despite what these people may think, it was not Columbus but that souvlaki-eating colon-cleansing sheep rimmer Aristotle who first proclaimed the world was round.

Their entire group's purpose is to label billions of people as hopeless retards for not flunking geography class, but at the same time, they claim that all they want is polite and reasoned debate. Because - of course - all conspiracy theorists have open minds and are perfectly willing to evaluate a position without dismissing its adherents as being stupid; bought off by the government, the military-industrial complex, or by some other "Big" organization libfags have been crying about for just a little longer than the past 90 centuries.

If their beliefs weren't so readily recognizable as a joke, they could be epic RL trolls.

Statement of Belief

Flat Earthers believe that:

The sun and the moon are not only the same size but anywhere from seven hundred to a few thousand miles away from the Earth;
The Earth does not orbit around anything, but stays still: an orbiting Earth would produce roughly the same effects as the Rapture;
NASA and all the world's governments are involved in a conspiracy to portray the Earth as round;
The International Space Station does not exist, because the Earth goes on forever;
Space is full of ether, in raging cockhard gutterspite of the above;
Man has never been to the moon;
Columbus lied, KIDS DIED!!!

The "Evidence" for these beliefs

"It looks that way up close, it appears to take a flat shape, ignoring hills and valleys."
The Earth is flat because some guy took a telescope, looked at a boat from six miles away and saw the boat as being level.

But hold on, I want to know moar! What's this about going to the moon?

After pwning NASA by trolling their doctors with used enema bags and gift-wrapped turds, Pete Conrad, appointing himself Captain Obvious of Gemini 11, looked at the Earth, and did declare "Eureka, Houston! Let the Earth be round!" The Gemini astronauts saw that the Earth was round: and it was so. They saw that it was good. And the butthurt did become massive on the ground, in the evening Conrad received many mails from sorely vexed members of the Flat Earth Society, emblazoned with the commandment of "PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN." So it was that the moon landing was declared to be a massive publicity stunt by those who were afraid of its implications; and so it was that NASA was declared to be a plaything of Satan himself.

The FES And Religion

Not to be outdone by neo-Nazis; fagtivists; and Oprah Winfrey, the good folks at the Failed Epically Society enjoy looking at the Bible through their own twisted lens and presenting the resultant mess as literalist truth. However, and in reality, the Bible was translated at least 100 times; the word "corners" in the King James version means something entirely different in Jewbrew, meaning the members of the FES have about as much knowledge of linguistics as an Ebonics-speaking crack baby typing random letters into Babelfish. Heck, even Franklin Graham would slap them silly if he wasn't too busy receiving the adoration of countless Burmese orphans!

None of this, of course, matters to the numb nut legion of the Rational Response Squad, who consider the FES to be iconic of your everyday Christfag. But, according to the admission of the FES' own members, most of them are atheists. Oh, teh ironies.

Lulzy Quotes

“	"Moses was a flat-earther," he reveals. "The Flat Earth Society was founded in 1492 B.C., when Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt and gave them the Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai."	„
—And I assume the Greeks invented democracy in the year 1776 B.C. too?

“	"We do not want members who are stupid, mindless, brute beasts with two feet whose only aim is to scoff or in some way 'harm' our work	„
—What was that about "polite and reasoned" again?