User:Whysoqueerious/James Bond
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
James Bond is a fictional British secret agent, code-named 007, who stars in a shitload of books, movies, and video games and internet fanfiction. He is best known for his love of women and ability to make shit blow up. James Bond is also quite possibly the only redeeming cultural icon that the United Kingdom has ever produced, aside from Sean Connery, who, ironically, is best known for playing James Bond (and beating his wife, amirite?).
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[edit] Literary Origins
James Bond was created by British writer Ian Fleming for his 1953 novel Casino Royale. The character was based on Fleming's experiences in the Navy and covert ops during World War II, making Bond the ultimate Gary Stu. However, since Fleming basically was a womanizing, alcholic war-hero, only the international espionage and Commie fighting shit was false. Ian Fleming continued to write James Bond novels until his death in 1964. Afterwards, other authors started cranking out further sequels, which continued Bond's reign of misogyny, violence, and Commie/terrorist killing.
[edit] Movies
Since no one reads books anymore accept for those Twilight fans, James Bond is best known for being the main character in a decades-old film franchise. Since 1962, there have been 21 official James Bond films made by EON Productions, with the 22nd, Quantum of Solace coming out November 7, 2008. There were also two unofficial films, one of which was funny and the other of which was unintentionally funny. The James Bond films are known for Bond having unprotected sex with Bond Girls, who have provocative names like Pussy Galore; ridiculous gadgets; and fast cars.
There have been six actors who have portrayed James Bond since 1962, each bringing something new to the role. Sean Connery was the first actor to play James Bond, and he basically faced Commies and Oriental-types and fucked women with played by talentless actresses up until 1967 when he quit. At this point George Lazenby took over for On Her Majesty's Secret Service in 1969, and failed epicly with most people who watched it. Connery came back in 1971 for Diamonds Are Forever, but was too fat and old to be efficient (this didn't stop him from coming back in 1983 to play Bond again in one of the unofficial films, Never Say Never Again, which was the unintentionally funny one). Then Roger Moore took over in 1973 for Live and Let Die, which had Bond fighting ever Nigra in America, furthering the truth that all black people deal drugs. The films continued to be either shitty or decent up until 1989, at which point Timothy Dalton effectively killed the franchise in his second film as Bond, License To Kill. In 1995, Pierce Brosnan resurrected the franchise as only an Irishman could with the film Goldeneye, which, despite the end of the Cold War, featured plenty of Commie killing.
[edit] Daniel Craig vs. Teh Internets
In 2006, the franchise was rebooted with Casino Royale because the series had become more fantasy than reality during the Brosnan films, and people would rather fap to the Jason Bourne movies. The best way to make people care about James Bond again was to get some regular British bloke to play him, so they cast relatively unknown British actor Daniel Craig.
The decision to cast Craig led to plenty of knowledgeable filmgoers airing out their vaginas on the internets with websites like Daniel Craig Is Not Bond. They felt James Bond couldn't be played by a blonde actor best known for playing complex characters in independent films and fucking Angelina Jolie in the Tomb Raider movie. These Bond experts based all of their knowledge of James Bond off of playing Goldeneye 007 and not on the source material, aka books. After the film became the biggest hit in the franchise, they promptly shut the fuck up and went back to viewing dangerous amounts of CP.
Once Daniel Craig had proved his worthiness to the internets, James Bond became popular again with both women and men, who vicariously lived their sexual fantasies through watching the movie. The film, book, and video game franchises will most likely last forever, or at least until Americans get their own hero.
