Mormon
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Morons, or members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", are members of a "church" invented by Joeseph Smith, a horny conman and freemason, in 1830. The early church grew through charismatic public speeches, and fervent missionary work which would eventually promote Polygamy (and as a byproduct, pedophiles). In a brilliant show of the uses of Trolling, Joseph realized the hate brewing against his church would serve to bolster the believers persecution complex, and being persecuted means that you know the truth.
Mormons have a higher rate of sex crimes, adultery, and teen suicide than the national average.
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[edit] Theology
- Invent crazy story about golden tablets, visions of God, etc.
- Convince gullible hicks that your story is true.
- Use story as a pretext to shtup all the nubile, virginal teenage girls you want.
- Get killed by angry mob.
- Resurrection time!
- repeat steps 3 and 4
- ?????
- PROFIT!
[edit] Beliefs
Mormon beliefs differ from other Christians is several ways, some more subtle than others, like blackies.
Mormons believe a Tribe of Jews sailed to the Americas hundreds of years before Christ. Some of these Jews turned into Mexicans for being assholes. After a whole bunch of TL;DR, Christ uses celestial technology to travel from the Middle east to South America, where he teaches the Mexican Jews. Then all the Mexican Jews kill each other except for some guy named Moroni, who walked to upstate New York, to bury the spiritual history of his people. Other Mormon beliefs include:
- Baptism for the Dead, so you can still Baptize that stubborn father of yours. Mormons trolled Jews worldwide by baptizing Holocaust victims without consent from their families.
- Mandatory Temple Work. One of the Rituals called Endowment is where they get those fantastic underpants.
- The Word of Wisdom. This is where the no coffee, alcohol or tobacco comes from.
- The Second Coming will touch down in the place this whole mess began. The Garden of Eden, in Jackson County Missouri. srsly
- Temple Passes are necessary to get into Mormon temples and they can only be obtained by wedding a young woman thrice then impregnating her mother AND sister.
In addition to the King James Version of the Bible, Mormons reckon three other books holy writ: The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenents, and The Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon contains the aforementioned tale of the Mexican Jews (mews) . The D&C contains "revelations" proclaimed by Joseph Smith and other church leaders; i.e., the shit they made up as they went along. The Pearl of Great Price is the least tl;dr of the three and by far the most batshit insane -- allegedly translated from a set of ancient Egyptian documents, it discusses, among other things, how God lives on a big-ass distant planet called Kolob.
This video is mostly correct:
Please compare with Raelism.
[edit] Lessons to be derived from Mormonism
- You cannot kill a Religion with a gun, it only comes back with more wives.
- If you forbid your children to date until they are 16, they will be too socially inept to do anything besides get married at 19 (after a 1 month engagement and courtship) and have 14 Mormon babies. Progress!
- It's easy to quit being an alcoholic. Replace those Jell-O shots with Jell-O Salad!
- You only get one eternal soul, and it deserves fantastic underpants.
[edit] History
After several failed scams, Joseph Smith struck a home run. Deciding that people believed him enough to start fucking with their sex lives, Joseph successfully renewed the Christian tradition of Polygamy (see below). Jealous with all the hot Mormon sex going on, and fear of losing their own women to the orgy, hicks began shooting Mormons in retaliation for mormon's shooting them trying to claim the holy land of Missouri, they later got kicked out and stuck in utah with mexicans. Joseph was eventually killed, and the wagon trains fled to Utah, where they murdered travelers and blamed Indians. Those indians became white people if they converted and married enough wives. srsly.
[edit] Notable Mormons
Harry Reid (Senate Majority Leader, goddamnit--fuck--they're taking over our government!!)
Steve Young
Andy Reid (coach of Philadelphia Eagles)
Mitt Romney
LittleCloud
Ruthie Heyerdahl
Philo Farnsworth, who invented TV
Italjet Moron
Nolan Bushnell, who invented Video Games
Pete Harman, who started KFC
Billy Barty
The Osmonds / Donny & Marie
And the dude who owns Virgin Airlines and Virgin Mobile and all that shiiiit
Lots of pale, blue-eyed honeys with milk-white skin, braided hair the color of ripe wheat, and child-bearing hips
[edit] Mormon Universities
There are several Mormon-chartered universities, the best-known of which is undoubtedly Brigham Young University. Along with mandatory courses on Reformed Egyptian, Urim and Thummim, and One Bad Apple, funky disco dancing is widely practiced by the many cute, round-faced teens with great hair who attend.
[edit] Modern Mormon Culture
In the 1830’s, when men’s pants were first tailored with buttons visible down the front of the fly, the Mormon leader Brigham Young discouraged the population from wearing them, calling them “fornication pants.” To this day, Mormons still hate button fly jeans. Mormons refer to each other as "Brother" or "Sister", which is why black people stay the hell away. The second to last thing black people want to be called by a white people is "Brotha". Mormon social life centers on the church and family. Men have Priesthood responsibilities in and out of the home. Women attend relief society which is basically church sanctioned Gossip hour. Women also participate in Home Visiting, to make gossip collection much easier. College age students of both genders attend "singles ward", which helps keep those with inquiring minds from making normal friends. Thus, Mormon behavior doesn't change from about 14 until 30 or marriage, whichever comes first. Youth activities include:
- Frottage during NCMO (non commital make out).
- Watching lame Mormon movies because anything above a PG-13 rating are an abomination.
- STILL quoting Napoleon Dynamite. (Wait, they still do that...? What a bunch of frickin' IIIDiots... wait, fuck!)
- Mormon girls spend all their parents Mexican Jew cash on make up and plastic surgery.
Gallery of Mormon Movies
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[edit] Criticism
The Hot Spicy Racism
From day one this so called "true church" (as proclaimed by the members) prohibited nigras from holding the priesthood. This policy wasn't repealed until 1978 over one hundred years after the church was established. Predictably no-one noticed because black people don't get involved in anything that would infringe on the time that could be more gainfully employed stealing televisions and car stereos.
If the claim "the church is true" is to be believed one must also deduce that God is more racist than ED. Actually, I think God is the most racist motherfucker I've ever met. IT MUST BE TRUE
Polygamy
Before 1890 the Mormons condoned the practice of polygamy which is to say Mormonism provided a way for upstanding Christian men to engage in dirty sex with multiple women simultaneously. Many Christians from alternate denominations have condemned this practice, some even believing that it still occurs even today. Their argument against polygamy is primarily focused around their misconception that it was not as God intended it, they seem to conveniently forget that the king Solomon from the Old Testament had more wives then he could have possibly had a use for.
It's a little known fact that Joseph Smith had 23 wives, which ranged in age from 14 to 60. Eleven were under 20.
The second prophet of the Mormon church Brigham Young was known for his large family that consisted of 27 wives and 57 children.
Some off shoots of the Mormon church who declare themselves "Fundamentalist Mormons" still condone the practice of polygamy and are still banging minors even now.
[edit] Trolling Mormons IRL
- Tell them that you thought the movie Orgazmo was accurate.
- Go to your local Mormon church on the first Sunday of the month, crash their Fast'N'Testimony Meetin', take the mic, and speak passionately about the doctrine of Cthulhu, and how He is your Personal Saviour.
- Find the Mormon temple near you and go to the visitors center. Flirt with the Mormon azn girl sent to convert you to Mormonisn while your girlfriend puts a BIOS password on their geneology computer. Lulz are sure to ensue.
- Convert to Mormonism, and get an assignment teaching Sunday School to lolis. Bring Pedobear into your curriculum. Lulz and the Party Van guaranteed!
- Join the Mormon Church, tell the local Bishop that you never fap so you can get a Temple Recommend (the paper that says you're not a fapper), go to the Temple to do Baptisms for teh dead, and taek a shit in teh big hot tub they use to summon the dead and make them Mormons.
- Reconvert Mormons: Passionately tell Mormons you meet that it was the Elohim (an alien civilization) that met Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. Tell them that the Elohim have selected a new prophet on Earth, named Raël. Tell them you have scientific proof (glowing silver tablets). When in doubt, remember, Mormons are susceptible to gullibility. This method may result in missionaries leaving the mission.
[edit] See Also
- Scientology: because if you can get away with Christ in the Americas, you can get away with Volcanoes and H-bombs.
- Raelians, who believe Joseph Smith to have been a prior Prophet of the Elohim.
- East High School Salt Lake City for more Mormon Teenage Fun.
- Awesome New Religion!!!
[edit] External Links
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Mormon is part of a series on Trolls. |
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| Mormon is part of a series on Cults. |
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