Vampire

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Jump to: navigation, search

Don't you wish. Keep looking, fangirls. By the way, this actor makes out with a guy in an episode of Torchwood.

This vampire has recreated the pallid complexion of a living corpse by actually starting to decay. (Not pictured: distended, gas-filled abdomen.)

Don Henire; doing it wrong since... oh, I don't know... last September?

In Storytown Village, vampires are lithe, seductive, hypnotic creatures of the night who revel in bacchanalian pleasure-seeking and live wild and erotic unlives, who actually used to be cool. In Reality: clumsy, fat, socially inept, sartorially blinded fuck-ups that are so pathetic even the goths won't hang out with them anymore, who were never cool. The only ones that don't have herpes are virgins.

They try their best to mimic their mythological counter-parts; whether by slathering themselves in white make-up or by actually drinking blood depends on the level of retardedness of the individual. Either way, they are a great source of epic lulz as their general lack of social skills lend them to be rather oblivious and egotistical. Aside from furries and otherkin, they are probably the easiest group of societal ejaculate to troll.

The Leaders of this community are self-proclaimed and are generally the most out-there and sick people in the community. It's sick-fucks leading the blind.

1 Why People End Up Pretending to be Vampires
2 Terminology
3 Different Types of Vampire
4 Vampirism and the law
5 Questions that have Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries
6 The Vampire Community
7 Prime example of real vampires
8 As if That Wasn't Enough: External Links
9 See also

[edit] Why People End Up Pretending to be Vampires

Watch your motherfucking neck

"Real" vampires usually start out as complete social failures that, having somehow missed all of the usual no-ego support groups like heavy metal fandom and comic book reading, end up scrabbling around in the absolute pits of subculture hell for the first group that will accept them.

Lacking confidence in themselves and too wrapped up in teenage pseudo-nihilism (which, oddly enough, can last well into their forties) to seriously consider religion, these losers gravitate toward other emotional crutches that can promise them uniqueness and a purpose in life. Vampirism promises these outcasts a reason for never quite fitting in. And unlike the Otherkin, the mythical creatures they're psychotically pretending to be are human-shaped and sexy!

A Retarded Vampire

There follows a minimum of five years of flouncing around in ridiculous clothing, buying stupid pewter accessories and filling their bedrooms with white lace and imitation silver candelabras. There is an increased risk of taking up magic during this time. Many "vampires" change their names to things like "Raven Darkemoon," "Matthius BlackThorne," and "Lord Noctem Aeternus" because vampires are not allowed to be called Sarah and Clive. Typical hobbies include writing crappy poetry about crimson roses and wolves, listening to dreadful music, hanging around in graveyards, eating chips and crying.

A character trait a lot of these individuals contract is the belief that they are not really human beings, but instead some higher force. They use this reasoning to justify their consumption of human blood, they think of them selves as predators and everyone else as prey. They tend to view "mundanes" or normal, sane people as merely food or nigra's. So if you see a vampire coming, get to the back of the bus.

Most "vampires" eventually grow out of it and become standard goths, but the hardcore continue on into their mid-forties. No vampires older than this have ever been seen. Do they truly stop aging? Or do they just kill themselves once they hit their mid-life crisis and see how they've pissed away the one chance at youth they were ever going to get?

Hopefully the latter, to be honest.

[edit] Terminology

For some reason, vampires can't pronounce W

Awakening Feeling particularly butthurt after not getting a date for the prom, or maybe having your ass handed to you by the football team and deciding to put on your sister's makeup and hiss at strangers.
House A show on FOX. Also another word for an individual cult.
Hunter Every basement dwellers worst fear: someone who hunts real vampyres!!1!11 They will usually work themselves into a paranoid frenzy over speculation of whether hunters actually exist.
Posers and Losers All encompassing terms for the vampire community.
Vampire douche
Vampyre pretentious douche
Whampyyre cunt
Donor or Black Swan someone who the vampire stalks, rapes and steals blood from.
Blood meth, crack, cocaine, etc
Prana, Chi, Energy Your life force, which they suck out to make you one of them.
Mundane A sane person
Cattle or Food Normal society as a whole
Sire one who has converted someone to vampirism, because using twelfth-century terminology and spelling makes everything real. (See also: Magick)
Vampire Council goth equivalents of David Koresh, but with herpes. Meetings are held at Denny's at 2 in the morning while drinking "only coffee, black" and making long angry stares at the wait staff.
Vampire Elder one who has reached the age of thirty-seven and still not grown out of it.
OVC Online Vampire Community

[edit] Different Types of Vampire

Regardless of type, vampires generally tend to regard themselves as above "normal humans". Keep this in mind when dealing with them, as they think that you are merely a mortal monkey and that they are your god.

Sanguine vampires Drink blood. Call themselves "Sanguine" because it sounds French and therefore is more likely to attract Lestat, WHO IS A REAL PERSON AND NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY FICTIONAL.

Psychic vampires Too wussy to actually drink blood, they insist that they're still vampires because they suck the souls out of people. This has the advantage of allowing them to participate in a fuck-up culture without the associated risks of infection, or doing something really gross. Also allows them to dodge unpleasant questions like "So how come I can still see your reflection in a mirror?" or "We're driving over a bridge. I thought you vampires couldn't cross running water?"

Aura vampires Like psychic vampires but even more full of bullshit.

[edit] Vampirism and the law

Many vampires have learned to keep their mouth shut about their psychosis, especially if they have children. Fortunately, there are some who just don't, and they are exposed for the disease riddled psychopaths that they are.

Having your brood taken away is a commonplace thing for people in the vampire community. The likeliness is increased with every post made to a web forum, every book published and every National Geographic special one appears one.

[edit] Questions that have Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries

Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring. It seems he was troubled by just one thing. He opened the lid and shook his fist and said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"

What is a man?

[edit] The Vampire Community

The vampire community is a group of like minded individuals who believe that they are vampires. I bet you didn't see that one coming.

It is theorized that they have been in existence for at least 100 years and started as an off-shoot of the Goth subculture. While the vampire community originally focused on simply making themselves look like romantic representations of child-eating zombies, things quickly shifted and got taken to a level of lulz that is typical of alienated teens and occult practitioners.

The community is considered "secret" by its members that haven't seen CSI, watched National Geographic or The Discovery Channel at Halloween or heard of Michelle Belanger and Don Henrie.

[edit] Prime example of real vampires

Is It Real? I'll save you some time. NO.

Oh dear God...........

Don Henrie with Michelle Belanger, acting like faggots. It's quite lulz worthy, if you can stand the blond chicks flat voice. (Check out the drummer's hair.)