Vampire

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

(Redirected from Vampires)

This page is a WARZONE — It is highly unlikely that there are lulz between the e-bullets, but seasoned Æ veterans can be expected to clean it up once the retarded participants stop their editing.

wtf?

I would.

~~I wouldn't~~ DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!

Many vampires can be found on DeviantART.

Vampires are social rejects bent on sucking blood in a odd fetish. In Storytown Village, vampires are lithe, seductive, hypnotic creatures of the night who revel in bacchanalian pleasure-seeking and live wild and erotic unlives, who actually used to be cool. In Reality: clumsy, fat, socially inept, sartorially blinded fuck-ups that are so pathetic even the goths won't hang out with them anymore, who were never cool.Vampires are social rejects bent on sucking blood in a odd fetish.

They try their best to mimic their mythological counter-parts; whether by slathering themselves in white make-up or by actually drinking blood depending on the level of retardedness of the individual. Either way, they are a great source of epic lulz as their general lack of social skills lend them to be rather oblivious and egotistical.

The Leaders of this community are generally self-proclaimed and are usually the most out-there and sick people in the community. It's sick fucks leading the blind.

Aside from furries and otherkin, 'vampires' are probably the easiest group of societal ejaculate to troll.

1 Why People End Up Pretending to be Vampires
2 Terminology
3 Different Types of Vampire
4 Vampirism and the law
- 4.1 Vampire Crimes
5 Invading the Mainstream
6 A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries
7 Twilight
8 The Vampire Community
9 Vampirism and Medical Testing
- 9.1 The Psychiatric Phenomena
10 See also
11 As if That Wasn't Enough: External Links

Why People End Up Pretending to be Vampires

Don't you wish. Keep looking, fangirls. By the way, this actor makes out with a guy in an episode of Torchwood.

"Real" vampires usually start out as complete social failures that, having somehow missed all of the usual no-ego support groups like heavy metal fandom and comic book reading, end up scrabbling around in the absolute pits of subculture hell for the first group that will accept them.

Watch your motherfucking neck.

Lacking confidence in themselves and too wrapped up in teenage pseudo-nihilism (which, oddly enough, can last well into their forties) to seriously consider religion, these losers gravitate toward other emotional crutches that can promise them uniqueness and a purpose in life. Basically, the losers pretending to be vampires do it just to feel special because they are actually retarded jerk-offs. Vampirism promises these outcasts a reason for never quite fitting in by giving them unfuckwithable occult powers, so their bullies from high school will totally regret having treated them like shit. And unlike the otherkin, the mythical creatures they're psychotically pretending to be are human-shaped and sexy!

There follows a minimum of five years of flouncing around in ridiculous clothing, buying stupid pewter accessories and filling their bedrooms with white lace and imitation silver candelabras until one is a vampire. There is an increased risk of taking up magic during this time. Many "vampires" change their names to things like "Raven Darkemoon," "Matthius BlackThorne," and "Lord Noctem Aeternus" because vampires are not allowed to be called Sarah and Clive. (~~Really, who would ever be afraid of the dark vampire Clive?~~) HAHAHA Disregard that, I suck cocks. No one is afraid of someone named Matthius Blackthorne either.(More like Fagius BackWhored, amirite?

Typical hobbies include writing crappy poetry about crimson roses and wolves, listening to dreadful music, hanging around in graveyards, eating chips and crying.

A notion which many of these individuals contract is the belief that they are not really human beings, but instead some higher force. They use this reasoning to justify their consumption of human blood, thinking of themselves as predators and everyone else as prey. They tend to view "mundanes" or normal, sane people as merely food or nigras. ~~So if you see a vampire coming, get to the back of the bus.~~ Ridicule them as they walk past you on the way to the back of the bus, pelting them with Twinkies as they go write poetry and Twilight fanfictions, tears welling up in their eyes.

Most "vampires" eventually grow out of it and become standard goths, but the hardcore continue on into their mid-forties. No vampires older than this have ever been seen. Do they truly stop aging? Or do they just kill themselves once they hit their mid-life crisis and see how they've pissed away the one chance at youth they were ever going to get? Obviously, the latter.

Terminology

Typical Strigoi buttfucking a 12-year-old-girl

~~Black Swan~~ Typical Strigoii worshiper cumming as she holds a silver-bullet gun to keep Mexican vampires away

Awakening occurs when feeling particularly butthurt after not getting a date for the prom, or maybe having your ass handed to you by the football team and deciding to put on your sister's makeup and hiss at strangers.
House is a show on Fox. Also another word for an individual cult.
Vampire Hunter is every basement dweller's worst fear: someone who hunts real vampyres!!1!11 They will usually work themselves into a paranoid frenzy over speculation of whether hunters actually exist.
Posers and Losers is an all encompassing terms for the vampire community.
Vampire, a douche
Vampyre, pretentious douche
Whampyyre, a cunt
Donor or Black Swan is someone who the vampire stalks, rapes and steals blood from.
Blood meth, crack, cocaine, etc
Prana, Chi, Energy,Cum, Your life force, which they suck out to make you one of them.
Mundane, a sane person
Cattle or Food, normal society as a whole
Sire is one who has converted someone to vampirism, because using twelfth-century terminology and spelling makes everything real. (See also: Magick)
Strigoi is the typical Romanian middle-aged faggoth who pretends to be a vampire to get laid by high-school rejects. All these douches have to do is google up a couple of phrases in Romanian, put on a black trench coat and they're set. Vlad Strigoii is the name of a song by Ostrogoth, the most homoerotic gothic band out there, and a bunch of authentic vampires out there have adopted the alias, thinking it to be the REAL name of the REAL Dracula. Strigoii (noun 'Strigoi' with definitive article 'i', both forms can be used in singular and in plural) is supposed to be the conglomerate of all Romanian vampires and their descendants. Whilst ~~real~~ sane Romanians don't give a shit about Strigoi, view them as the equivalent of ghosts, not vampires, angsty American faggoths masturbate daily to the idea of feeding them.
Vampire Council is the goth equivalents of David Koresh, but with herpes. Meetings are held at Denny's at 2 in the morning while drinking "only coffee, black" and making long angry stares at the wait staff.
Vampire Elder is one who has reached the age of thirty-seven and still not grown out of it. Said people are never, ever employed and try to convince their impressionable fifteen-year-old "initiates" that sex with them would create a higher spiritual bond and advance their dark powers.
OVC Online Vampire Community

Different Types of Vampire

Don Henrie; doing it wrong since last Thursday

Regardless of type, vampires generally tend to regard themselves as above "normal humans". Keep this in mind when dealing with them, as they think that you are merely a mortal monkey and that they are your god.

Sanguine vampires drink blood and call themselves "Sanguine" because it sounds French and therefore is more likely to attract Lestat, WHO IS A REAL PERSON AND NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY FICTIONAL. (Sanguine really means "cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident".)

Psychic vampires are too wussy to actually drink blood, they insist that they're still vampires because they suck the souls out of people. This has the advantage of allowing them to participate in a fuck-up culture without the associated risks of infection, or doing something really gross. Also allows them to dodge unpleasant questions like So how come I can still see your reflection in a mirror? or We're driving over a bridge. I thought you vampires couldn't cross running water? The claim that they drain the psychic energy of anyone around them by some mystic process is also a convenient way to explain to themselves why they are rejected socially, rather than accepting that their social skills need work and putting in the effort to change for the better, like a pinnacle of society!!

Aura vampires are like psychic vampires but even more full of bullshit.

Arithmomania vampires Vampires who Obsessive-compulsively count things.

Dio Brando, the only cool vampire. Also see Za Warudo and WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Vampirism and the law

Normal sanguinarian conversation.

Many vampires have learned to keep their mouth shut about their psychosis, especially if they have children. Fortunately, there are some who just don't, and they are exposed for the disease riddled psychopaths that they are.

Having your brood taken away is a commonplace thing for people in the vampire community. The likeliness is increased with every post made to a web forum, every book published and every National Geographic special one appears in.

Vampire Crimes

While most of the sick fucks like to claim that Vampirism is a non-violent subculture, one has to question how non-violent people really are when they claim to desire slashing people open and drinking from their wounds.

Here are some notable crimes caused by people claiming vampirism and/or affiliation with the subculture:

Christopher Dean, using vampires to get loli.

Johnathon Sharkey is in jail for threatening Dubya.

Rudy Guede is a rare vampire nigra.

Thomas Owen kills his parents and drinks his fathers blood.

Old vampire dude bites and whips loli asspie.

Kristian Allen Carl rapes a loli.

Matthew Hardman, sanguinary schizophrenic, killed an old woman to get immortality and undead hotties.

Some kid (Anonymous for his protection) killed his brother [1] [2] for lulz and blood.

Vampire lesbians? For added lulz, writer is batshit insane too and says women who kill people and drink their blood merely "break the mould of expected female behaviour". No, really.

Moar vampire lesbians. Jessica Stasinowsky and Valerie Parashumti bludgeoned their loli roommate to death and allegedly drank her blood.

Vampire lesbian in the 1990s.

So many vampire lesbians. (In Jamaica, "vampire" has meant "lesbian" for at least thirty years---points for perceptiveness, Trenchtown!)

Alan Menzies claimed that Akasha was going to give him immortality if he killed his best friend.

Scott Bower and friends drank each others blood and harassed a vicar.

The late Shane Chartres-Abbott raped a woman, drank her blood and bit her tongue off. Thankfully he was offed by a nigra.

Manuela Ruda and her hubbie Daniel murdered an old guy and drank his blood. Kinky Germans.

Invading the Mainstream

Google cache nevar forgets.

Whether by appearences on Tyra Banks or through interviews with ABC News and The Washington Post, vampires are trying to get a foot hold in modern culture. Since by vampire I really mean schizophrenic 16 year old girls, this will likely lead to lulz and internet drama instead of blood sucking and hot vampire sex.

Don Henrie has declaired himself the leader of forcing the vampire subculture into the mainstream. He has appeared on many daytime talkshows to be ridiculed by their hosts and many documentaries that air on halloween to reinforce the stereotype that people who drink blood are escaped mental patients with poor wardrobe choices.

He is also claiming to be spearheading a poorly thought out reality tv show for MTV based on the vampire community.

An episode of South Park that aired on November 19th totally raped the vampire community in the ass by stating the truth that all self-proclaimed vampires are just moronic wannabe goths who need to grow the hell up. Some "vampires" are trying to laugh it off. Douchebags like Michelle Belanger didn't understand that the show creators were being serious when the characters said that people who pretend to be vampires are retarded. Some are trying to find an alternative explanation to the episode, trying to prove that the show creators are really on their side or are somehow awestruck by vampires.

A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries

What is a man?

Twilight

vampires No. werewolves yes.

The Vampire Community

It's not just blood they suck.

The vampire community is a group of like minded individuals who believe that they are vampires. I bet you didn't see that one coming.

It is theorized that they have been in existence for at least 100 years and started as an off-shoot of the Goth subculture. While the vampire community originally focused on simply making themselves look like romantic representations of child-eating zombies, things quickly shifted and got taken to a level of lulz that is typical of alienated teens and occult practitioners.

The community is considered "secret" by its members that haven't seen CSI, watched National Geographic or The Discovery Channel at Halloween or heard of Michelle Belanger and Don Henrie.

Vampirism and Medical Testing

Though doctors and medical professionals are aware of these haematophiliacs and self-proclaimed psychic vampires, few studies have been conducted on the subject. This has resulted in the phenomena being brushed aside and being dubbed ludicrous.

This is because those supposedly afflicted with this faggotry know that they are batshit insane. They know that there is no doctor worth their degree that won't see past their bullshit, so of course they don't submit themselves for analysis. Most claim that their reasons are because of concern for their privacy, but this is obviously a lie as most of the people claiming to be approached are making their lively-hood off of duping people by regaling them with fanciful stories about their condition.

Those that have submitted to physical testing, such as Don Henrie, have only proven to the world that the culture and individuals involved are fake and only playing a part to cope with the desolate waste land that is their lives. Also on an unlulzy note, vampires are technically real. There is a disease called Porphyria where the symptoms are pale skin, receding gum line, overstimulation of hair follicles (werewolves), and a need for regular blood transfusions due to the disease affecting red blood cells. The whole garlic thing is that chemicals in garlic make the symptoms worse.

The Psychiatric Phenomena

The cure for vampirism.

Psychologists are becoming more and more aware of vampirism (also dubbed "Renfield's Syndrome"[3][4]) thanks in part to the flamboyant and self-righteous display these people make of themselves.

If Renfield's syndrome is mentioned in their presence, most vampires like to counter-troll by insisting that since it isn't in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it is not a real condition, thus they aren't crazy. In the same breath they will tell you that they refuse to admit their behavior to any medical professional because they know they will be locked up. They will turn that around into them being persecuted by the hyoomans.

The above is, of course, all just public relations. Among their own kind, most vampires will freely admit to having more mental illnesses than Twilight has retarded fangirls.