Vampire

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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wtf?

This vampire has recreated the pallid complexion of a living corpse by actually starting to decay. (Not pictured: distended, gas-filled abdomen.)

In Storytown Village, vampires are lithe, seductive, hypnotic creatures of the night who revel in bacchanalian pleasure-seeking and live wild and erotic unlives, who actually used to be cool. In Reality: clumsy, fat, socially inept, sartorially blinded fuck-ups that are so pathetic even the goths won't hang out with them anymore, who were never cool.

They try their best to mimic their mythological counter-parts; whether by slathering themselves in white make-up or by actually drinking blood depending on the level of retardedness of the individual. Either way, they are a great source of epic lulz as their general lack of social skills lend them to be rather oblivious and egotistical.

The Leaders of this community are generally self-proclaimed and are usually the most out-there and sick people in the community. It's sick fucks leading the blind.

Aside from furries and otherkin, 'vampires' are probably the easiest group of societal ejaculate to troll.

1 Why People End Up Pretending to be Vampires
2 Terminology
3 Different Types of Vampire
4 Vampirism and the law
5 A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries
6 The Vampire Community
7 Vampirism and Medical Testing
- 7.1 The Psychiatric Phenomena
8 Prime example of real vampires
9 As if That Wasn't Enough: External Links
10 See also

[edit] Why People End Up Pretending to be Vampires

Don't you wish. Keep looking, fangirls. By the way, this actor makes out with a guy in an episode of Torchwood.

"Real" vampires usually start out as complete social failures that, having somehow missed all of the usual no-ego support groups like heavy metal fandom and comic book reading, end up scrabbling around in the absolute pits of subculture hell for the first group that will accept them.

Lacking confidence in themselves and too wrapped up in teenage pseudo-nihilism (which, oddly enough, can last well into their forties) to seriously consider religion, these losers gravitate toward other emotional crutches that can promise them uniqueness and a purpose in life. Basically, the losers pretending to be vampires do it just to feel special because they are actually retarded jerk-offs. Vampirism promises these outcasts a reason for never quite fitting in by giving them unfuckwithable occult powers, so their bullies from high school will totally regret having treated them like shit. And unlike the Otherkin, the mythical creatures they're psychotically pretending to be are human-shaped and sexy!

Watch your motherfucking neck

There follows a minimum of five years of flouncing around in ridiculous clothing, buying stupid pewter accessories and filling their bedrooms with white lace and imitation silver candelabras until one is a vampire. There is an increased risk of taking up magic during this time. Many "vampires" change their names to things like "Raven Darkemoon," "Matthius BlackThorne," and "Lord Noctem Aeternus" because vampires are not allowed to be called Sarah and Clive. Typical hobbies include writing crappy poetry about crimson roses and wolves, listening to dreadful music, hanging around in graveyards, eating chips and crying.

A notion which many of these individuals contract is the belief that they are not really human beings, but instead some higher force. They use this reasoning to justify their consumption of human blood, they think of themselves as predators and everyone else as prey. They tend to view "mundanes" or normal, sane people as merely food or nigras. So if you see a vampire coming, get to the back of the bus.

Most "vampires" eventually grow out of it and become standard goths, but the hardcore continue on into their mid-forties. No vampires older than this have ever been seen. Do they truly stop aging? Or do they just kill themselves once they hit their mid-life crisis and see how they've pissed away the one chance at youth they were ever going to get? Hopefully the latter, to be honest.

[edit] Terminology

For some reason, vampires can't pronounce W

Awakening Feeling particularly butthurt after not getting a date for the prom, or maybe having your ass handed to you by the football team and deciding to put on your sister's makeup and hiss at strangers.
House A show on Fox. Also another word for an individual cult.
Hunter Every basement dweller's worst fear: someone who hunts real vampyres!!1!11 They will usually work themselves into a paranoid frenzy over speculation of whether hunters actually exist.
Posers and Losers All encompassing terms for the vampire community.
Vampire douche
Vampyre pretentious douche
Whampyyre cunt
Donor or Black Swan someone who the vampire stalks, rapes and steals blood from.
Blood meth, crack, cocaine, etc
Prana, Chi, Energy Your life force, which they suck out to make you one of them.
Mundane A sane person
Cattle or Food Normal society as a whole
Sire one who has converted someone to vampirism, because using twelfth-century terminology and spelling makes everything real. (See also: Magick)
Vampire Council goth equivalents of David Koresh, but with herpes. Meetings are held at Denny's at 2 in the morning while drinking "only coffee, black" and making long angry stares at the wait staff.
Vampire Elder one who has reached the age of thirty-seven and still not grown out of it.
OVC Online Vampire Community

[edit] Different Types of Vampire

Don Henrie; doing it wrong since last thursday

Regardless of type, vampires generally tend to regard themselves as above "normal humans". Keep this in mind when dealing with them, as they think that you are merely a mortal monkey and that they are your god.

Sanguine vampires Drink blood. Call themselves "Sanguine" because it sounds French and therefore is more likely to attract Lestat, WHO IS A REAL PERSON AND NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY FICTIONAL.

Psychic vampires Too wussy to actually drink blood, they insist that they're still vampires because they suck the souls out of people. This has the advantage of allowing them to participate in a fuck-up culture without the associated risks of infection, or doing something really gross. Also allows them to dodge unpleasant questions like So how come I can still see your reflection in a mirror? or We're driving over a bridge. I thought you vampires couldn't cross running water? The claim that they drain the psychic energy of anyone around them by some mystic process is also a convenient way to explain to themselves why they are rejected socially, rather than accepting that their social skills need work and putting in the effort to change for the better.

Aura vampires Like psychic vampires but even more full of bullshit.

Arithmomania vampires Vampires who Obsessive-compulsively count things.

[edit] Vampirism and the law

Many vampires have learned to keep their mouth shut about their psychosis, especially if they have children. Fortunately, there are some who just don't, and they are exposed for the disease riddled psychopaths that they are.

Having your brood taken away is a commonplace thing for people in the vampire community. The likeliness is increased with every post made to a web forum, every book published and every National Geographic special one appears in.

[edit] A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries

What is a man?

[edit] The Vampire Community

The vampire community is a group of like minded individuals who believe that they are vampires. I bet you didn't see that one coming.

It is theorized that they have been in existence for at least 100 years and started as an off-shoot of the Goth subculture. While the vampire community originally focused on simply making themselves look like romantic representations of child-eating zombies, things quickly shifted and got taken to a level of lulz that is typical of alienated teens and occult practitioners.

The community is considered "secret" by its members that haven't seen CSI, watched National Geographic or The Discovery Channel at Halloween or heard of Michelle Belanger and Don Henrie.

[edit] Vampirism and Medical Testing

Though doctors and medical professionals are aware of these haematophiliacs and self-proclaimed psychic vampires, few studies have been conducted on the subject. This has resulted in the phenomena being brushed aside and being dubbed ludicrous.

This is because those supposedly afflicted with this faggotry know that they are batshit insane. They know that there is no doctor worth their degree that won't see past their bullshit, so of course they don't submit themselves for analysis. Most claim that their reasons are because of concern for their privacy, but this is obviously a lie as most of the people claiming to be approached are making their lively-hood off of duping people by regaling them with fanciful stories about their condition.

Those that have submitted to physical testing, such as Don Henrie, have only proven to the world that the culture and individuals there in are fake and only playing a part to cope with the desolate waste land that is their lives.

[edit] The Psychiatric Phenomena

The cure for vampirism.

Psychologists are becoming more and more aware of vampirism (also dubbed "Renfield's Syndrome"[1][2]) thanks in part to the flamboyant and self-righteous display these people make of themselves.

If Renfield's syndrome is mentioned in their presence, most vampires like to counter-troll by insisting that since it isn't yet classified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it is not a real condition, thus they aren't crazy. In the same breath they will tell you that they refuse to admit their behavior and experiences to any medical professional because they know they will be locked up. They will turn that around into them being persecuted by hyooman's who are trying to repress and destroy them because of ignorance and jealousy.

Aside from Renfield's syndrome, it is argued that these people are afflicted with schizophrenia. This could also encompass the psychic vampires as well as they also suffer from detachment from reality and have a decidedly intense fixation on their own fantasies.

The conditions and symptoms that psychic vampires and sanguinarian vampires are afflicted with could easily be a psychotic manifestation. If the sensations and circumstances are not imagined, they could just be "assigning unusual significance or meaning to normal events or holding fixed false personal beliefs (delusions)"[3].

[edit] Prime example of real vampires

Is It Real? I'll save you some time. NO.

Don Henrie with Michelle Belanger, acting like faggots. It's quite lulz worthy, if you can stand the blond chicks flat voice. (Check out the drummer's hair.)