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Vegetarian
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A vegetarian is the homosexual of the culinary world. A trendy form of self-sustenance, it involves not eating meat and only eating vegetables and roughage, assuring a healthy lifestyle accompanied by various bonuses, the greatest being the need to defecate twice as much as the average human being. Secondary factors are the princess and the pea (the more you ban, the more there is to fuss about), and often the desire for the blandest diet possible. "Vegetarian" comes from the Cherokee word for "bad hunter."
Vegetarianism is like bisexuality. Teenage girls always have a stage of it, but then they realize how lame it is and go back to meat.
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[edit] Vegetarian Logic
If you were to ask a vegetarian (especially a vegan) why they do not eat meat, you will often get one of two answers:
- "I don't like meat," or, more commonly,
- "I don't eat meat because killing animals is wrong and unnecessary." Farm animals live in horrible conditions and are tortured, only to be slaughtered soon after without painkillers. Animals are living beings, with feelings and intelligence just the same. Hunting is also wrong. What did those poor animals do to you? Besides, meat is extremely unhealthy and can easily make you obese or give you cancer."
The first answer is completely acceptable; one is entitled to one's own opinions. The second answer, however, is fail. Meat, though it may be unhealthy, can still be eaten if done so in moderation. Furthermore, not eating meat will not save animals. Only 34% of the world's population is vegetarian/vegan. While they might not eat meat, the rest of the world does. Therefore, if you think that not eating meat will save an animal, it won't. Whatever you don't eat, others will. This also applies to furs and all other animal products. And as for how farms handle animals, they won't give a flying fuck if you don't eat meat. It won't make them change their ways, not when the rest of the world still eats meat.
Often times enough, vegetarians will also claim that meat-eaters are oppressing them. Well, PETA oppresses meat-eaters. So GTFO.
Vegetarians who do not eat meat for the second reason should be trolled.
PROTIP: Do not attempt to troll those that support your point of view.
[edit] Various Types of Vegetarians
[edit] Straightforward Vegetarians
[edit] Freegans
These occur occasionally in nature, mostly through the collision of coffee-house anarchism and desperate poverty. Freegans believe that it's okay to eat anything as long as it's free. Often basement dwellers, their mothers continue to cook for them well into their twenties. Most homeless people are also freegans.
[edit] Raw Food Vegetarians
The "raw food" movement grew from an in-joke amongst Manhattan chefs. One such chef attested that trendy, upwardly-mobile people would eat anything as long as it is priced exorbitantly. This bizarre "style" spun out of control, and its advocates refuse to cook food at temperatures above 116°F. Raw offal at body temperature is a special favorite.
[edit] Vegans: The Hitler of the Food Chain
Vegans are pure vegetarians who will not eat any animal or use any animal-based product whatsoever, often accompied by the fact that they troll everywhere and try to convert people to vegans. They normally hypocritically claim that meat-eaters are trying to oppress them, even though in actuality they are oppressing the meat-eaters and the meat-eaters are retailiating (see PETA)
The term is stolen from its original meaning, i.e. someone from the vicinity of the star Vega.
Vegan communities are a great source of trolling fun. Vegans that are not merely suicidal due to their hatred for their own species are invariably haughty moralists, as judgmental as evangelical Christians at their worst (known by other vegans as "vegangelicals"). Some vegans have been known to troll anti-vegans back. A good way to troll vegans is to ask them if they are allowed to swallow cum. In rebuttal, all they would need to say is that human semen is released as a natural
If you combine the mental laziness of hippies with the self-righteousness and intellectual rigor of the average teenager, you get your average vegan.
Veganism has been practiced in various cultures for almost eight million years, since there was often no meat but an abundance of fruit and nuts. Modern veganism was invented by Donald Watson, an upper-middle class twat who started by hating his neighbors but lived to be 95 despite having no purpose in life other than to say "FUCK YOU" to everyone on the planet who happened to be a little less puritanical than himself.
Vegans love to bitch about how unhealthy meat and dairy is, and will often goad impressionable young vegetarians into becoming vegans, if they manage not to kill them. Unfortunately, what they do not realize is that cutting major parts of the human diet in any case is far unhealthier than eating a cheeseburger once in a while.
Furthermore, some vegans are noted for their opposition to standard forms of birth control, as animal proteins are used in the production of latex, and lambskin is, well, made out of lamb.
Although some rich fucks are vegans (such as Weird Al Yankovic and the bullshit artists of Rise Against), most are poor students or poor college professors, who probably couldn't afford more than soup noodles anyway. Vegans like to flavor their noodles with the tears of subsidized farmers. They are also fond of coming out with great mindfucks at dinnertime, e.g. if eggs are on your menu, a vegan "friend" will announce "Wow, chickens' periods (monthlies)." Because whining is a tenet of veganism, many emos and scene fags are vegans and exceptions to poorer vegans as they are attracted to the concept of bitching about something largely irrelevant to them in their usually perfect middle class lives.
Nowadays, vegans like to live in places like California, specifically San Francisco, Berkeley, Sebastopol, and Portland, OR.
Vegans fail to understand that baby calves lack basic instincts beyond the desire to climb into a box and eat, eat, and eat until they become plump, ripe, and ready for the slaughter. Unfortunately in recent years, a rising demand for "free-range" and/or "organic" foods has lead to a decline in old-fashioned American slaughterhouses and a despotic increase in the number of farms which feed their cattle a healthy heterogeneous diet. This sort of diet increases the variety of flavors individuals may encounter when sucking down a fine piece of medium-rare cow, and these variations encourage social unrest over time. This is similar to the situation in George Orwell's book Animal Farm.
Ideally, in a future now indistinct and hazy, vegans will fall upon each other in cannibalistic lust, and all of Brooklyn will vanish in an orgy of blood and bone. As for now, sad as it is, a vegan may cast his or her size-zero shadow upon you or me at any time, interrupting our eternal and primal quest for the perfect rack of baby seal ribs, dolphin snout soup, or fillet of bald eagle.
[edit] Fruitarians
There's always someone who takes things too far; in the sordid world of the vegetarian this person is the fruitarian. Fruitarians believe that vegetables can feel and you shouldn't eat food unless it has "died of natural causes". They are like the Al Qaeda of food and have links to various animal extremist groups (many of whom attack children if they dare to eat the sacred flesh of an animal), except even the sand niggers aren't this batshit crazy. Fruitarians are mortal enemies of limecat and people with huntingdon's disease.
[edit] Vegan Warfare
With the exception of humans, vegans universally care about the welfare of animals, and may be found in constant, undaunted struggle against non-vegans. Media-savvy yet terrifyingly tl;dr, this struggle consists of spamming internet communities with photos of slaughtered animals and how cruel it is to enjoy a Paula Dean recipe. Naturally, no vegan attack is complete without at least one reference to the Church of Veganism. And remember, it's self-evident that eating meat is the same as committing the Holocaust because sure, people died during WW2, but do you know how many pigs are dying!??
Vegans will often accuse the non-deranged of bringing about the coming apocalypse, usually accompanied by vague statements such as "Meat is no longer sustainable. Therefore, it will not help us survive in the future." Such nebulous statements may seem to be at odds with the conventional concept of sustainability, but since nobody really takes vegans seriously to begin with, who fucking cares?
Examples of vegan warfare can be seen here and here.
Theoretically beyond vegan is the Vgn, someone who survives off non-organic substances. Their diets consist of water, mineral oil, and plastic (two of which are, in fact, organic).
[edit] Trivia
- Invented by poor people, vegetarianism has since become a fad among sophisticated liberals like Hitler, Hepkitten and Azad_slide, and should be ignored at all costs.
- Contrary to common knowledge, Quasidan's penis is not a vegetarian. It is considered a Vaginatarian.
- Hitler was a vegetarian.
- Interestingly enough, the harvest of organic matter means the death of countless thousands of animals. Since a field of grain is to mice and rabbits as a large bag of Doritos is to Iconoclast, they tend to stay there when the threshers arrive. This is mildly ironic.
- Almost all crops in the US are pollenated by domesticated bees, which exploiting the symbiotic relationship between bee and flower. Some vegans would argue that it's alright because they're insects, which is funny seeing as bees have a complex language of dance and amazing engineering skills, as opposed to livestock, which just eat and shit all day.
- Tofu is made of drywall and curdled soy milk.
- Famous MySpace/Stickam camwhore Matthew Lush is known for his batshit insane views on animal rights such as:
Okay, first off, I'm a vegetarian and I only date vegetarians. If you’re not a vegetarian, you’re stuck in the past. You might as well call yourself a homophobe or a stubborn Republican. You cannot be gay and call yourself a Republican, sorry, but you can't. Do some research if you do, idiot. But yea, the shit they do to animals these days are uncalled for! It's the twenty first century; you don’t need meat to survive.
Judging by his looks, however, he is in no position to call anyone a pussy.
- You can help by trolling his myspace and his stickam.
- All vegans should become camwhores, because gelatin is used to hold silver halide crystals in an emulsion in virtually all photographic films and photographic papers (there is no substitute). This is an urgent task if they are to encourage the rest of the internets not to use technology that was obsolete 100 years ago.
- It would be catastrophic if the entire human race was to turn vegan and stay that way. Not only would people be weaker and crabbier, but over millions of years, humans would devolve back into grazing animals, because you need meat be smarts. Mmm-hmm.
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Vegetarian is part of a series on bad things happening to animals. |
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