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Walmart Employee Suicide
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Contents |
[edit] James "downsyndrome homo" Swink
James was a Walmart employee that became an hero and martyr for Walmart after receiving numerous prank calls. James worked the in the sporting goods department of an unknown Walmart in Lewisville, TX. His last words were:
| —James Swink, seconds before he became an hero |
At which point he dropped his phone and shot himself using a pistol from the store.
[edit] Reasons For James' Suicide
James was clearly upset that someone had just convinced him to look down the barrel of a loaded gun, and decided to do something about it. Being an emo faggot, he claimed that he had been working at Walmart for 2 weeks and had received numerous prank calls. He then claimed that his girlfriend had broken up with him the week before, over complications from the prank calls, and that it had made him very upset, since he's obviously emo. Prior to his death According to James these prank calls agitated his manager, making him angry at James. There are also rumors of James having been a furry who came to the realization that the fursecution is all in his head, causing him to be depressed and shoot himself.
[edit] The Story
Several members of the legendary Partyvan Prank Machine decided to give a friendly call to their neighborhood Walmart Supercenter. Posing as the Walmart Regional Weapons Safety Expert in Dallas the prank caller informed James (in sporting goods) that he needs to check for a faulty firing pin in a Colt 45. James was then directed to examine the inside of the barrel with his eyeball, which causes him to become very suspicious. Suspecting foul play, James then retorts with whines and faggotry such as "Are you another fucking prank caller?" After the would-be-CEO calms James' fears, he is greeted with a tempered fit in which the employee explains that he's lost his girlfriend, his manager is bitching at him and the source of his frustration is the prank calls. Two of the other individuals on the line with the caller then began to express interest in James' views on homosexuality. James became upset and proceeds to bitch maor, then drops his phone. The call was then dropped due to Zombocom attaining peak lulz and requiring more time to plan the next stages of his plan.
Twenty minutes later another call was placed to the Walmart. This time the manager, Rick Astley, answers. The prankers then began asking him for the "downsyndrome homo from before". The manager at first refused to comment on the employee and then reveals that James had just offed himself with the very Colt 45 that he was examining for faulty firing. Rick also proclaims that he was indeed Jame's girlfriend, and that they were no strangers to love.
| —Rick Astley on his relationship with James |
Shortly after Jame's death was announced, he was said to be an hero and Walmart martyr®.While it could have ended there, in order to legitimize the story further members anon64, Mattheas, and SoS took a trip to a local Walmart and began taking pictures, but what everyone fails to realize is that Zombocom was the only one to take pictures and subsequently handed them over.
[edit] Aftermath
After three hours of calling the Walmart, waiting for pictures of the crime scene, and a quick trip to IHOP it was eventually revealed by Mattheas that the entire thing was a troll. This way done so that Andy (the fag who thought his IP address was at risk since he aided in the suicide of the Wal-mart employee) could stop freaking out and get to sleep. This may have been one of the top ten trolls in all of history. Fellow members of Anon threatened dox against the conspirators if it was troll, but the end result was Zombocom giving Mattheas a higher oper status in the prank IRC channel, even though Zombocom did everything in the prank. Anon64 was given nothing, because Zombocom did everything in the prank.
[edit] Trolls Involved
- Mattheas: Pranker
- core: persuaded members of authenticity and helped develop story
- anon64: played as James, the Walmart Employee
- SoS: played as Rick, the Walmart Manager
[edit] Inconsistencies
- Wal-mart doesn't carry Colt .45's, only Colt .35's
- A key was retrieved without Wal-mart Manager supervision (because they're fucking experts on everything weaponry and locks)
- The number which the prankers called was said to be a divisional number but was actually a cell number out of Dallas, TX
- The "crime scene tape" was actually "caution tape" for floors being shined
- The "crime scene" was actually the toy section, not the sporting goods section where the guns are.
- Zombocom actually lives on the West Coast, but the likes of which Zombocom trolls surpasses that of any other troll in the history of trolls. He could have easily been in Texas that night, and had this troll planned for weeks.
[edit] See Also
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Walmart Employee Suicide is part of a series on Trolls. |
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Categories: Crap | Trolls
