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Wicca
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| — Adam Carolla |
Wicca ( moar liek DICKA amirite? ) is the shittiest subset of the pagan expression of religion. It is favored by people too fucktarded to learn the rules of a real religion and too poor to join any other cult.
Wicca has only one rule: An it harm none, do what ye will, which makes Wicca as pussy as it is stupid. Today most Wiccans will claim to be in it for the self-expression and becoming more in touch with the world. Those are lies.
They really want to do it for the lulz and so they can control the weather (Note: Wicca can not do these). This makes wiccans witches. Don't let them hear you calling them witches, they'll deny it even though that's why they wanted to be wiccan in the first place. Wiccans will now be referred to as witches, because that's what they really are. Wiccans call themselves witches as a badge of honor along with saying "Oh Goddess!" whenever possible. If you see a profile with something like "proud to be a witch", 98.4% of the time it's a Wiccan.
Wiccans are divided into little gangs called "covens", usually with contrived and melodramatic names like The Silver Moon Circle, the Black Pentacle or The Raven and the Rose. (No, srsly.)
Wiccans will tell you that most of their religion comes from a "Book of Shadows" that only the innermost circle of Wiccans are allowed to read. Like the Xenu story, this is probably because its contents are so dumb that you can only be given it when you absolutely have to believe it. Its name is no doubt an attempt to sound Satanic, but in reality sounds like something pulled from a low-quality fantasy fiction show on the Scifi channel.
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[edit] Wicca Facts
- Wicca is really just dumbed-down Satanism.
- Wiccans will tell you that their religion is over 9000 years old. In reality, it was invented by a Britfag in the 50's. Srsly.
- Wicca is as phony as Scientology, but at least they (usually) wont fuck you out of your money.
- Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half the things they do is pulled out of the Coven leader's ass.
- The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from Medieval Catholic documents on witches, Harry Potter, Disney films, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes.
- When confronted with that fact, Wiccans will scream "NO U" and then proceed to scream about how Christians stole everything from them - such as the date of Christ's birth and the custom of baptism - even though JC wasn't born on Dec. the 21th and Jews would rather shove red hot swords up their dicks than be covered in animal guts.
- Most Wiccans are 16 year old girls, gay, fat, ugly and have a stupid MSN name.
- Wiccan covens are full of drunks, pot smokers, and the few guys that sign up do so only to ogle naked bodies.
- Wicca is the official religion of Feminism, since women are to stupid to be given any power by a real religion.
- Wicca is believed to spread furrism and in Otherkinism as a sort of gateway drug of faggotry.
- Wiccans will often refer to the Salem witch trials as the 'burning times', in order to make them seem persecuted like Jews. That being said you'd fuck a Jew up the nose before fucking one of those fat whales.
- Since Wicca does not require any special tools, ordained priests, or even a building to worship in, it is the ideal cult for lazy poor people, even though Wiccans are still encouraged to buy loads of worthless plastic crap from occult shops.
- A Wiccan male's favorite tool is his knife, used to cut delicious cake; send psychic energy through; buttsecks pets with.
- Wiccans will often tell you they come from a six or more generations of Wiccans, though only Trailer Trash reproduce fast enough to have done that in the last 60 years.
- Wiccans will often call themselves Gypsys, even though Gypsies are a race of smelly Indians that steal and lie more than niggers and have nothing in common with Wicca or its supposed origins.
- Witch is a euphemism for Extremely Flammable Woman
- If you claim you are Satan they will probably fuck you 9 times out of 10, but who'd want to fuck a fatty covered in shitty makeup?
This fat gay gothman tries to defends Wicca, without explaining anything about it. He doesn't want to admit that it's a bunch of made-up shit.
This is the only existing camera footage to date of a typical Wiccan in it's natural environment.
[edit] Beliefs and Practices
Since so many Wiccans are gay men or very lonely girls, much of Wicca centers around worshiping of the penis. Wiccans like to draw little phallic symbols on all their ritual items and pretend it makes them powerful. Wiccans worship a "Goddess" and a "Horned God", clearly Satan and his Whore of Babylon. In fact, most of Wicca is designed to convince other religions that Wicca is satanism, without actually coming out and saying it. For example, Wicca uses the number 13 for their covens because it is considered unlucky by Christians, they use the "pentagram", rather than the dozens of other symbols used by actual pagans, because satanists also use it. They use brooms, cauldrons, candles and wands, and celebrate Halloween as their main holiday, because they want people to think they are 'real' witches. They wear black almost universally, while real pagans wore white. Wicca is usually Matriarchal, while real pagans were led by male druids. Everything about Wicca is designed specifically to scare conservative Christians. This makes Wicca more of a trolling technique than a real religion. Unfortunately, many people who cannot tell the difference take it as one anyways.
Since satanists don't have any real ceremonies, and the pagans didn't write anything about their beliefs down, a lot of Wiccan rituals are basically ripoffs of Christianity (though pointing this out will make most witch feminazis rather butthurt.
Wicca marriage is called 'Handfasting', and is essentially holding hands with their lesbian partner while some fat girl in a black robe declares them "married", and gives them rings. They also have a ritual called 'Wiccaning', which is exactly like 'Christening', in which a newborn child is named. Creative.
a typical 16-year old wiccan on myspace (asking for it)
[edit] Wiccan Quotes
Since most Wiccans are the hippies and internet rednecks, their responses to trolling are very lulzy, if only due to their innate oversensitivity.
| — vampireprince5006 - like most trailer trash, Wiccans have atrocious punctuation and spelling, and jabber incomprehensible nonsense. Also note the super cool nickname. |
[edit] Wiccans defined
Modern 'witches' are insane attention whoring 16 year old girls, who usually are cutters and very easy to annoy. Anybody wishing to pursue a career in trolling should find a witch community. Warning! Do not forget they are all psychic and can perform curses!
Witches usually live with their lesbian aunts and a talking black cat, and love to freak the mundanes with their majicks and telekinesis on a regular basis. Note that true witches do not require wands to perform their tricks, unlike the media wants you to believe. A genuine witch does it all with her finger.
While Wiccan's claim to follow an ancient religion, most of the Wicca knowledge was passed down orally from the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Rule Book.
Wiccans over the age of thirty are extremely rare, partly due to the fact that they have no time for such nonsense once their parents kick them out of their basement, but mostly because most are brought to justice long before that. Some have also been known to become an hero as a result of piss poor hygiene.
Also, there are no niggers allowed.
Witches are also responsible for Wiccapedia.
[edit] TL;DR
Wiccans are Witches and Wicca is the effeminate, Downsy version Satanism. They should all be burned for teh lulz.
[edit] The many uses of witches
Not to be confused with bitch.
[edit] George Zimmer on Wicca
[edit] See also
[edit] Headline text
| Wicca is part of a series on Religion
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Deities Prophesies Religious Holidays Religious Icons Fanclubs ArchVillians Key: * represents a Deity or Holiday of Trollianity.
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| Wicca is part of a series on Cults. |
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