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Wicca

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

(Redirected from Witch)

Wicca is the shittiest subset of the pagan expression of religion. It is favored by people too dumb to memorize the rules of a real religion and too poor to join any other cult. Wicca has only one rule: An it harm none, do what ye will, which makes Wicca as pussy as it is dumb. Today most Wiccans will claim to be in it for the self-expression and becoming more in touch with the world. Those are lies.

They really want to do it for the lulz and so they can control the weather (Note: Wicca will not result in either of these). This makes wiccans witches. Don't let them hear you calling them witches, they'll deny it even though that's why they wanted to be wiccan in the first place. Wiccans will now be referred to as witches, because that's what they really are.

Wiccans are divided into little gangs called "covens", usually with contrived and melodramatic names like The Silver Moon Circle, the Black Pentacle or The Raven and the Rose. (No, srsly.)

Wiccans derive most of their beliefs from this book

Wiccans will tell you that most of their religion comes from a "Book of Shadows" that only the innermost circle of Wiccans are allowed to read. Like the Xenu story, this is probably because its contents are so dumb that you can only be given it when you absolutely have to believe it. Its name is no doubt an attempt to sound Satanic, but in reality sounds like something pulled from a low-quality fantasy fiction show on the Scifi channel.

BURN THE WICCANS

Proper response to Wiccans in public.

1 Wicca Facts
2 Beliefs and Practices
3 Wiccan Quotes
4 Wiccans defined
5 The many uses of witches
6 George Zimmer on Wicca
7 See also
8 Headline text

[edit] Wicca Facts

Typical Wiccans

Wicca is really just dumbed-down Satanism.
Wiccans will tell you that their religion is over 9000 years old. In reality, it was invented by a Britfag in the 50's. Srsly.
Wicca is as phony as Scientology, but at least they (usually) wont fuck you out of your money.
Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half the things they do is pulled out of the Coven leader's ass.
The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from Medieval Catholic documents on witches, Harry Potter, Disney films, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes.
Most Wiccans are 16 year old girls or gay.
Wicca is the official religion of Feminism, since women aren't allowed in any of the real religions.
Wicca is believed to spread furrism and in Otherkinism.
Wiccans will often tell you that they suffered the 'burning times' in the Middle ages, in order to make them seem persecuted like Jews.
Since Wicca does not require any special tools, ordained priests, or even a building to worship in, it is the ideal cult for poor people, even though Wiccans are still encouraged to buy loads of worthless plastic crap from occult shops.
Wiccans will often tell you they come from a six or more generations of Wiccans, though only Trailer Trash reproduce fast enough to have done that in the last 60 years.
Wiccans will often call themselves Gypsys, even though Gypsies are a race of Indians that have nothing in common with Wicca or its supposed origins.
Witch is a euphemism for Extremely Flammable Woman
If you claim you are Satan they will probably fuck you 9 times out of 10

Another typical wiccan.

Typical witch sex

This fat gay gothman tries to defends Wicca, without explaining anything about it. He doesn't want to admit that it's a bunch of made-up shit.

Not a Wiccan, but just as pathetic

[edit] Beliefs and Practices

Since so many Wiccans are gay men or very lonely girls, much of Wicca centers around worshiping of the penis. Wiccans like to draw little phallic symbols on all their ritual items and pretend it makes them powerful. Wiccans worship a "Goddess" and a "Horned God", clearly Satan and his wife. In fact, most of Wicca is designed to convince other religions that Wicca is satanism, without actually coming out and saying it. For example, Wicca uses the number 13 for their covens because it is considered unlucky by Christians, they use the "pentagram", rather than the dozens of other pagan symbols, because satanists also use it. They use brooms, cauldrons, candles and wands, and celebrate Halloween as their main holiday, because they want people to think they are 'real' witches. They wear black almost universally, while real pagans wore white. Wicca is usually Matriarchal, while real pagans were male-led. Everything about Wicca is designed specifically to scare conservative Christians. This makes Wicca more of a trolling technique than a real religion. Unfortunately, many people who cannot tell the difference take it as one anyways.

Since satanists don't have any real ceremonies, and the pagans didn't write anything about their beliefs down, a lot of wiccan rituals are basically ripoffs of Christianity. Wicca marriage is called 'Handfasting', and is essentially holding hands with their lesbian partner while some fat girl in a black robe declares them sorta-married, and gives them rings. They also have a ritual called 'Wiccaning', which is exactly like 'Christening', in which a newborn child is named. Creative. a typical 16-year old wiccan on myspace (asking for it)

[edit] Wiccan Quotes

Since most Wiccans are the pseudo-hippies and internet rednecks, their responses to trolling are very lulzy, if only due to their innate oversensitivity.

“	Look why the fuck do you care if he said burn in hell he isnt a wiccan so he can say it he said hammer and sickel because he wanted to if you go onto peoples videos that last almost ten minutes just to say something bad about it you must not have a life seriously get a girl freind go to church for heaven sake anything im a wiccan for almost 3 years now and even i know who cares what religion someone is were all going to the same place we just respect something else with greater values blessed be	„
— *vampireprince5006* - like most trailer trash, Wiccans have atrocious punctuation and spelling, and jabber incomprehensible nonsense. Also note the super cool nickname.

Wicca is part of a series of Ongoing Wiccan Drama.

Fun Fact: Pagans are incapable of humor. It's against the Wiccan Rede. Blessed Be!

[edit] Wiccans defined

Modern 'witches' are insane attention whoring 16 year old girls, who usually are cutters and very easy to annoy. Anybody wishing to pursue a career in trolling should find a witch community. Warning! Do not forget they are all psychic and can perform curses!

Praise be...

Witches usually live with their lesbian aunts and a talking black cat, and love to freak the mundanes with their majicks and telekinesis on a regular basis. Note that true witches do not require wands to perform their tricks, unlike the media wants you to believe. A genuine witch does it all with her finger.

While Wiccan's claim to follow an ancient religion, most of the Wicca knowledge was passed down orally from the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Rule Book.

Wiccans over the age of thirty are extremely rare, partly due to the fact that they have no time for such nonsense once their parents kick them out of their basement, but mostly because most are brought to justice long before that. Some have also been known to become an hero as a result of piss poor hygiene.

Also, there are no niggers allowed.

Witches are also responsible for Wiccapedia.

TL;DR=Wiccans are Witches and Wicca is effeminate, homosexual Satanism. They should all be burned.