The X-Files
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The, deceptively named, X-Files was a mid 90's television show (and eventually a couple of movies) designed to pander to the tinfoil hat wearing market of television viewers. It starred David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson and it is safe to assume that 95% of the show's viewers watched purely in anticipation that the two stars would some day eventually fuck each other. Every teenage basement dweller at the time had a major chunk of wood for the red-headed temptress, Gillian Anderson. As it turns out, David Duchovny is the only one of the pair we've seen have sex (see Californication), but strangely nobody seems to be complaining.
The show revolved around a whole heap of alien and supernatural related conspiracy theories which resulted in every paranoid nerd fanboy suddenly believing they were cool at parties. The show's real world popularity unfortunately spawned a fuckload of shitty fanfic on the internets, much which still exists today.
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Anatomy of the X-Files
There are two types of X-Files episodes: those where you get a good look at Scully's jugs, and those where you don't. Needless to say, the former episode type is immensely more popular.
Of course, some argue that there are two OTHER ways to categorize them, like so: those that are part of the story's mythology, and those that aren't. Here is how they go:
MYTHOLOGY: Blah blah blah Russian sub blah blah blah people talking in foreign languages with NO FUCKING SUBTITLES blah blah blah more blah blah blah people screaming and shouting orders in foreign languages, again, with NO FUCKING SUBTITLES, blah blah blah, someone dies, blah blah blah roll opening credits blah blah blah Mulder shows some slides to Scully blah blah blah Scully asks some questions blah blah blah Mulder gives her his theory blah blah blah Scully tells him he's delusional blah blah blah cut to a shot of the Cigarette-Smoking Man in his hideout with the other old people blah blah blah BLACK OIL blah blah blah z0mg A ALIENZ!!!111 blah blah blah CONSPIRACIES! blah blah blah Mulder *DOESN'T* nut up and ask Scully to fuck blah blah blah roll credits, audience is pissed.
NOTE: Woe be to you if you haven't seen the Mythology episode before that. You will not understand a fucking word of it.
NOT MYTHOLOGY: Episode summary: "A bizarre series of murders in Smalltown, U.S.A. points towards cult killings, but Mulder suspects something far more sinister..."
Basically, this episode starts with people talking, etc. Please note that while this is happening, there is ALWAYS some background noise. It's like a high-pitched whine, or something. Chris Carter fucking INSISTS that they put it in each episode. Anyhow, after a while, someone starts screaming, and some war drums start playing. Cut to a shot of his/her mangled body, and cue theme music. After opening credits, Mulder shows a series of slides to Scully on a projector. Scully asks him about the killings, then presents her theory that it is a cult killing and nothing more. Then, Mulder comes back with some batshit-crazy theory involving aliens, vampires, boogeymen, lycanthropes, etc. Scully then tells him he's crazy. Cut to a shot where the agents are in aforementioned smalltown, talking to the local police, who apparently aren't doing shit for the situation at hand. Thirty-something minutes later, we cut to the climax where (Mulder/Scully) is chasing down the antagonist. It's crazy shit, man. Dramatic music, awesome visua--- Oh, wait. We can't see the awesome visuals because the final scene is always DONE IN FUCKING SHADOW. That's right. You will not be able to see a fucking THING.
IF MULDER IS THE ONE CHASING THE ANTAGONIST: Something will happen at the last minute where he has to choose between "z0mg FindIng the TR00th!!11" and saving a life. Since he is a pussy, obvious from him never having the balls to fuck Scully, he will obviously choose the latter. Audience is pissed.
IF SCULLY IS THE ONE CHASING THE ANTAGONIST: She will get almost raped by the antagonist, at which point all the males in the audience are thinking Fuck yeah, we finally get to see Gillian's tits!. Wrong, assholes! Mulder and the other FBI members show up at the last minute, screaming. Audience is pissed.
X-Files Fanfic
While not the worst fan fiction on the net, X-Files fics in general are composed entirely of totally unbelievable plot lines, uncharacteristic dialog and same-sex pairings that will leave the average X-Files fan reaching for the brain bleach.
For example, in one fic, Agent Mulder is repeatedly orally and anally raped by CGB Spender, aka the SUPER-SKARRY!1 Smoking Man in exchange for getting to buttfuck Agent Kryceck. The phrase LOL WUT does not do this abortion of literary fiction nearly enough justice.
Lord of the Files
The A-files
An album by Alvin and the Chipmunks
The B-files
Karissa’s blog
The C-files
Mexicans for Science and Reason
The D-Files
English Nerd training site
The E-Files
Your cash dollars funds the Governator
The F-Files
A bearded collie called Fergus
The G-Files
Gillian Anderson fansite.
The G-Files
Anti-God files
The H-Files
The FBI and L. Ron Hubbard
The I-Files
True Reports of Unexplained Phenomena in Illinois
The J-Files
Fuck knows. Something to do with ETA, the Basque Terrorists.
The K-Files
A list of files starting with ”.K”. Like “.kmz”, the compressed keyhole markup language.
The L-Files
“A clever Greek parody of the X-files.”
The M-Files
Finnish document management system
The N-Files
Roger Poehlmann is a member of the “San Fransisco” Church of Christ
The O-Files
Was Michael Rockefeller eaten by cannibals?
The OC Files
Fox’s OC fansite
The P-Files
“Comic” starring “Dr. Plokta”
The PI-Files
“Day to day life of Polly the P.I.”
The Q-Files
Not sure. Some nutball in Indiana who’s a DJ on streaming radio.
R-file
A spatial access method which divides space into a hierarchically of nested boxes. Objects are indexed in the lowest cell which completely contains them.
The S-Files
Simpsons fan page that is strangely devoid of content
The Sex Files
A flash pron game
Sex Files: Alien Erotica (1998)
A rom-com
The Sex Files
A show about Canadians having sex
The T-Files
An X-Files photostrip starring plastic Muldur and Scully dolls
The U-Files
Darren Uscianowski’s column about the Mets baseball team. Interesting.
The V-Files
Absolutely no clue. Something to do with vore in Vegas?
The W-Files
An archive of Wisconsin paranormal activity
The X-Files
A meme.
The Y-Files
The blog of Cathy Young, ”freelance journalist”
The Z-Files
The Zogby Monthly Omnibus Polls. Unfunny.
See Also
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