Zombie
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A zombie is a dead person who hasn't figured out what "dead" is supposed to mean yet. Unlike vampires, zombies are bone-stupid and can do only three things:
- Shuffle
- Groan
- Eat
- ?????
- PROFIT!
Their favored food is human flesh. One wonders why they don't just eat each other, but apparently brainless corpses are picky eaters.
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[edit] Meme
Zombies have been a popular subject of horror movies since director George Romero got a bunch of friends together, smeared them with Bisquick and dirt, and filmed a movie where everyone dies. He did this several dozen times over the next few decades, adding more red food coloring each time, and every crap-ass filmmaker looking to make a quick buck followed suit. Not only are zombie movies cheap and uncomplicated, they also benefit from a completely undiscriminating audience.
Zombies are similar to ninjas, pirates, and Monty Python, in that any inherent entertainment value they might have had for you is now hopelessly ruined by years of fucktards screaming OMG NINJAS VS PIRATES -- NO NO WAIT -- ZOMBIE PIRATES, like that somehow makes them funny.
THEN AL WAS A ZOMBIE is another not-meme-meme
[edit] Christianity
Every so often, an irreverent atheist is struck by a brainstorm: hey -- Jesus died! And then he came back! From the grave! That makes Jesus a zombie LAWL UR WORSHIPIN ZOMBO-GOD U ST00PID SHEEPLE.
This unique, edgy idea has occurred to over 9000 people before you, so shut the fuck up before Thomas Aquinas rises from his grave and beats you to death.
[edit] Zombie Characteristics
Some zombies are caused by radiation and others by diseases, some are fast and some are slow, but noone really cares because when there are a couple thousand dead people who want to eat your face, the finer points of zombie taxonomy just don't register on the importance scale.
[edit] Zombies and Michael Jackson
Zombies are well known for their past friendship with Michael Jackson. However, relying on Michael Jackson to protect you in case of a zombie invasion would be unwise, as the folks he used to dance with probably wouldn't recognize him these days.
[edit] Zombies as a metaphor
A lot of filmmakers and writers like to use zombies as a metaphor or social commentary. Their lack of brains make them ripe for incisive, scathing comparisons with people who shop in malls, people who enjoy eating food, and other laughable members of society. Dissolute English majors with no plan for their lives will often choose to study zombie films as a "specialty," because classic literature is hard and has lots of words.
[edit] Zombie Survival Guide
Author Max Brooks did the world a disservice in 2003 by writing and publishing The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, a mildly amusing parody of those "worst-case survival guide" books favored by gun nuts, conspiracy theorists, and overly-earnest Boy Scout troop leaders.
Zombie-movie fans latched onto the book and treated it as a god damn Bible, as if Brooks actually intended his advice to be used in anything resembling a life-or-death situation. Sure, they acknowledged that Brooks's fictional "past outbreaks" were fiction, but that wasn't the point, they'd tell you. No, no -- the point is that the Zombie Holocaust could happen, and it probably will, and they'll be the only ones who are prepared!
If we're to believe these people, the truly successful resistance to zombie attacks will be that put up by 13 year old boys whose only acquaintance with firearms is what Max Brooks said about them in the "Weapons" section.
And then I'll pull out my wakizashi and do a backflip and cut the zombie in half! PHAWN!!!1
AND I WILL BOARD UP MY HOUSE AND FUCKING Shoot THEM WITH MAH LAZAR. YOU PHAIL AND I WILL FUCK YOU UP
Or, you know, you'll wet yourself in terror and your cheap con-shop "blade" will shatter on the pavement when it falls from your shaking fingers. Same difference.
[edit] See Also
- Zombie apocalypse
- greatexpectations320
- Resident Evil 3
- Resident Evil Outbreak
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil 5
