Zombie
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A zombie is a dead person who hasn't figured out what "dead" is supposed to mean yet. Unlike vampires, zombies are bone-stupid and can do only three things:
- Shuffle
- Groan
- Eat
Their favored food is human flesh, particularly brains, making most skinny scene kids essentially invulnerable. One wonders why they don't just eat each other, but apparently brainless corpses are picky eaters. With the rise in internet culture on 4-chan, Gaiaonline and Encyclopedia Dramatica in these past few years however, one can only assume that they are merely getting annoyed with us.
Contents |
Meme
Zombies have been a popular subject of horror movies since director George Romero got a bunch of amateur actors together, smeared them with Bisquick and dirt, and filmed a movie where everyone dies. He did this several dozen times over the next few decades, adding more red food coloring each time, and every crap-ass filmmaker looking to make a quick buck followed suit, realizing that not only are zombie movies cheap and uncomplicated, they also benefit from a completely undiscriminating audience.
Zombies are similar to ninjas, pirates, and Monty Python, in that any inherent entertainment value they might have had for you is now hopelessly ruined by years of fucktards screaming OMG NINJAS VS PIRATES - NO NO WAIT - ZOMBIE PIRATES, like that somehow makes them funny.
THEN AL WAS A ZOMBIE is another not-meme-meme
Christianity
Every so often, an irreverent atheist is struck by a brainstorm: hey - like, Jesus died and shit! And then he came back! From the grave, man! That totally makes Jesus a zombie LAWL UR WORSHIPIN ZOMBO-GOD U ST00PID SHEEPLE.
This unique, edgy idea has occurred to over 9000 people before you, so shut the fuck up before Thomas Aquinas rises from his grave and beats You to death.
Zombie Characteristics
Some zombies are caused by radiation and others by disease, some are fast and some are slow, but noone really cares because when there are a couple thousand dead people nearby who want to eat your face, the finer points of zombie taxonomy just don't register on the importance scale.
Example:
Zombies and Michael Jackson
Zombies are well known for their past alliances with Michael Jackson aliens. However, relying on Michael Jackson to protect you in case of a zombie invasion would be unwise, as Michael Jackson is now one of the walking dead these days.
Zombies as a metaphor
Many filmmakers and writers like to use zombies as a metaphor or social commentary. Zombies' lack of brains make them ripe for incisive, scathing comparisons with people who shop in malls, people who enjoy eating food, people who walk city streets and other members of society deserving of satire in poorly-scripted films.
Dissolute English majors with no plan for their lives will often choose to study zombie films as a "specialty", because classic literature is hard and has lots of words.
Brain's eh? What's that all aboot?
Max Brooks
Author Max Brooks did the world a disservice in 2003 by writing and publishing The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, a mildly amusing parody of those "worst-case survival guide" books favored by gun nuts, conspiracy theorists, and overly-earnest Boy Scout troop leaders.
Zombie movie fans latched onto the book and treated it as a goddamn Bible, as if Brooks actually intended his advice to be used in anything resembling a life-or-death situation. Sure, they reluctantly acknowledged that Brooks's fictional "past outbreaks" were fiction, but that wasn't the point, they'd tell you. No, no - the point is that the Zombie Holocaust could happen, and it probably will, and they'll be the only ones who are prepared!
If we're to believe these people, the truly successful resistance to zombie attacks will be that put up by 13 year old boys whose only acquaintance with firearms is what Max Brooks said about them in the "Weapons" section.
And then I'll pull out my wakizashi and do a backflip and cut the zombie in half! PHAWN!!!1
Or, you know, you'll wet your Spiderman Underoos in terror and your cheap con-shop "blade" will shatter on the pavement when it slips from your shaking, Cheetos-stained fingers. Same difference.
Brooks followed up on this with World War Z, in which the author asked his imaginary friends about their thrilling adventures in the exciting World of the Dead. Much of the book consisted of trenchant sociopolitical commentary.
Obama connection
According to a investigation by Fox News, President Obama is actually a voodoo magician turning White People into zombies during the 2008 election. His new health care reform actually aims to turn more people into zombies. If you see a smiling census worker standing at your door, get a goddamn rifle, will ya?
See Also
- Zombie apocalypse
- Resident Evil 3
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil 5
- Resident Evil Outbreak
- Left 4 Dead
- Obama supporters
- Bruce Campbell
- Botnet
