Halo
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Halo is an overrated, overhyped FPS game with outdated controls, terrible graphics, and a convoluted storyline that was once considered "good" only because most gamers have never opened a book. The online multiplayer is scientifically designed to get on your nerves. The storyline also ripped off some shitty 1970's book called Ringworld, that nobody cared about, and also ripped off vehicles, designs, and Sgt.Apone(Johnson) from Aliens, which everyone cared about. The game was credited for saving Microsoft's Xbox from going straight down the drain, because at the time it was the only reason anyone would want one.
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Halo 1.0
The original Halo (AKA Gaylo or Failo or Metroid parody) was known for being the only good Xbox game that wasn't available on Playstation 2 or the GameCube. It received extremely good reviews from every major publication thanks to its fantabulous level design that repeated the same Goddamn gray corridor every 30 feet, which cut loading times. And as if the repetition wasn't bad enough, halfway through the game, you get to play through each level BACKWARDS!
The original story involved the Master Chef, a 26th century Spartan, and excellent cook, killing a bunch of aliens and stopping a giant ring in outer space from fucking up everyone's shit, thus saving world/universe/day/whatever.
It was also notable for having a handgun that could headshot people from literally half a mile away. Any multiplayer game became a chorus of moans and profanity as just getting with 500 yards of a competent player (lol, paradox) resulted in instant death.
Unfortunately, the game sold a fuckload and singlehandedly saved the Xbox from going the way of the Dreamcast.
Halo 2
Like any somewhat decent game that makes a lot of money, the designers had to fuck it up beyond all recognition. They took every redeeming quality of the original, and raped it like Pedobear in a roomful of loli after being starved of CP for 3 weeks. The graphics were glitchy, the physics were inconsistent, the weapons were shit, well...yeah, and the levels were...well they stayed at about the same level of shittiness. Ironically, the game sold even moar than the first, and millions of fucktards blindly embraced it as a gift from God.
The story was also borderline retarded and riddled with plot holes. Like how the Covenant somehow find Earth, and (conveniently) a brand new Halo ring, or like how they just randomly throw in the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors halfway into the game.
Halo 2 also introduced a new playable character - The Arbiter, a Covenant Elite warrior shunned by his people and blah blah blah, nobody really cares.
We also get introduced to Miranda Keyes, who's the daughter of that captain dude from the first game, the High Prophets: Truth, Mercy & Regret (who look suspiciously like turkeys), the aforementioned venus fly trap Gravemind, and the Brutes, led by their Chieftain, Tartarus, who is a big-ass bondage loving furry from Hell.
Halo 2 was the first game that you could play over the internets, via Xbox Live. Of course the funny thing about having a design team of over 9000 CSIII graduates, is that not everyone knows what everyone else is doing. This leads to a lot of interesting problems that basement dwellers (or in some cases, trolls) can find and exploit, like people being able to lunge at someone with the sword from a mile away, being able to drop through the ground, being able to bounce 2,000 feet into the air, and being able to lag everyone into next week, while you go around and rape the other team. As such, at least 100 patches have been released trying to fix the broken and obviously retarded multiplayer. Though even without the glitches, any normal human can only take the unbalanced weaponry, the high-pitched screams of prepubescent boys, and sheer lack of entertainment for so long.
It did, however have the best rocket launcher of the three games, since it could seek, and allowed you to dual wield needlers for epic win.
TL;DR: Is an expansion pack to Halo that didn't add anything except the ability to hold TWO WEAPONS!!
Halo PC
A shitty port of Halo to the PC. Despite the dated graphics, you only needed a "high-end" (shitty) PC to run it decently. The only reason you would want to play Halo PC is for the single-player campaign, as the multiplayer is fucking shitty. No votekick, no voice chat (well, in Halo's case that might be a good thing), laggy online play (you have to aim five feet ahead of an enemy to register a hit), and a community of fucktards (lol n00b pwned xD). Not only that, but 99% of all the fucking servers are fucking rockets on Blood Gulch or Battle Creek.
Halo 2 Vista
A shitty port of Halo 2 to the PC. It was exactly the same as Halo 2 for the Xbox, except it has better graphics and a map editor. And to get the ability to play a 3 year old Xbox game, all you have to do is downgrade to Vista. Anyone who is stupid enough to buy this should become an halo.
Halo 2 Vista was also the first game in Microsoft's attempt to consolize PC gaming, "Gays For Windows". Apparently MS thinks it's a great idea to charge PC gamers for online play, even though most PC games have always had free online play. Fail marketing ploy was fail.
Halo 1.5 (or 3)
And just in case you managed to avoid that spoiler, Johnson dies. But black people always die in movies and videogames, amirite? That one white commander woman dies, too, because it's a well-known fact that women suck at videogames.
Even though Halo 2 was more popular than Jesus, the designers admitted that it was a broken pile of fail and AIDS. While Halo 3 is still made of fail, it is still better than that rancid collection of squirrel dung, Halo 2 (If only slightly).
Bungie isn't exactly one for innovation, as the game still has the same boring controls as it did in 2001.
Graphics-wise, it looks a lot like Halo 2, except with higher-res textures, and big fat layer of lens flare thrown over everything.
But by the final installment of the trilogy, you would think the story couldn't possibly get any more butchered...right? WRONG!! There are so many plot holes and random shit happening that you'll most likely be forced to throw the whole thing out the window. For example: How did Gravemind find Earth? Why did MC just randomly jump off Truth's ship entering Earth...was it just for the lulz? How did High Charity manage to find the Ark's SECRET location?
But hey, nobody cares about the story anymore, it's all about teh awesomez flawless online multiplayer.
The Xbox Live multiplayer is exactly the same pile of horse manure as Halo 2's online, with the sole exception of a half-assed map editor with which you can't even edit the terrain or add all the objects. The maps and games all suck baboon balls. And when you play matchmaking once you go in to a game, you can't leave. So much like a visit from a rapist, no matter how much you kick and scream, it's gonna happen, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Another totally awesome addition to the third installation of the Halo series is the ability to take screenshots. This is about the only new thing Bungie has to offer. Motherfucking screenshots. You can only imagine what kind of people actually utilize this feature.
| Accepting People Online Typical Halo Fan |
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To prove that Halo sucks more cock than a whore on viagra, a cave-dwelling little asian fucker decided to record himself annoying the typical Halo player (see above). [1]
Halo Wars
Halo Wars is an craptastic RTS which is usually too difficult for the remaining 90% of the Xbox Population, even though is the simplest, dumbed down RTS game currently out on any system. In Early 2009, due to Microshits awesome partnership program, they dumped Ensemble Studios ass and left them to die in the burning depths of hell and faggotry.
Overall, the developers got kicked in the arse and the game was overall shit.
Gameplay
The gameplay of almost every match consists solely of spamming specific types of units. There are no real strategies to the game and no point in trying to do anything unique or even trying to use some level of skill. Communication is restricted to Xbox Microphone, and considering all the Players are usually to stupid to talk even if they have a mic, there is no point even plugging in yours and no way to Cooperate with teammates.
Not only does the actual gameplay suck, but Halo Wars features a broken, unsophisticated matchmaking system that often matches up noobs with high ranked [assholes]] who play the game too much, resulting in most players getting pissed off, quiting games, and sending messages to the gamers they lose to. Not only this, but the matchmaking often matches up multiple faggot little children together playing the same unit. Because they are lazy fucktards with no mics, they both choose to make the same exact units, often leading to hell hole 3v3 games when you play by (or with) yourself in standard 3v3 games.
Downloadable Rip Off Content
After the game shipped on who the fuck cares day, fans were very hostile about the game not getting any updates or planned Downloadable Content, since the developer was fucking dead!
Gametypes Eventually, some random assholes released DLC for Halo wars, and it sucked dick! The first DLC was game types. That's right mother fucker, game types. $10.00 hard earned dollars that you could spend on porn, Microsoft expects you to pay to buy GAME TYPES with. For dumbasses who do not know what this means... GAMETYPES SHOULD BE FUCKING FREE. If you actually bought these, you have absolutely no FUCKING BRAINS.
Maps Maps were eventually released for Halo Wars, and although not as big as a ripoff as the gametypes, they are still full of shit for their price tag. Those who actually bought the maps don't get matched up with anyone who owns them because no one owns them, because (once again) FAGGOT LITTLE CHILDREN who have no BALLS infest the game like Captain Cutters bullshit ODST units. They don't have credit cards or money, only time to waste aggravating adults.
Halo 3: ODST
Halo 3: ODST is the latest piece of shit released from Bungie exclusively on the Xbox 360 (because most 360 owners are dumbasses). It is nothing more than a half assed expansion of the very terrible Halo 3 game, and Bungie wants YOU to waste $60.00 on it. Bungie, along with all other game companies, tend to release expansions as full priced games because they are assholes and bitches of Microsoft.
Story
You play as an ODST (Orgasmic Dick Sucking Transsexual) soldier. A regular, plain old boring ass human with no spartan super powers. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? No over shields, you die easy, you are a dime a dozen soldier, etc. Oh yea, the story line is also some random shit Bungie pulled out of their assholes. It has absolutely nothing to do with the books or anything. They just wanted to make more money so they added a random story line before the events of Halo 3. And since Bungie didnt write the books and no one ever read them, who the fuck cares anyway?
Characters
Rookie Cookie: Some mute trying to be like Gordon Freeman, he thinks he's awesome but he's not.
Captain 'I DARE YOU': A random bitch who leads the squad. Raped the guy below and took his position, now she's the leader and tells alot of men what to do.
Edward 'I just bucked you': The retard who lead the team before, had to give up his position to the bitch above for sucking so much. Fussed with Dare in the ship's crewberths, Dare pushed him on the bed to calm him down, and raped him. She had some hidden hypnotizing makeup on, now she makes him believe that she's the leader. One point later in the game, Dare fucks him right infront of the Rookie and Vergil.
Dutchland: Some Dutch maniac who just wanted to be an ODST because he felt like it.
African Lil' Romeo: Lil' Romeo's stupid African nigger dad, wants to be cool with the bitches, but they tell him to back off.
ODST Mickey Mouse: Mickey Mouse decided to be Mickey Man, now he ended up like this and lost his ears. Was lowest ranked because he sucked so much.
Sgt. Johnson: The cool nigga we always know and hated from the other games. Only in Firefight, to scared to show himself in Campaign cuz people would be freaked to see he's the twin brother of the one of Delta Halo.
Stupid Intendent(more like Shitty Intendent)/Vergil Hawkins from Static Shock: Static Shock tripped himself into another universe, and ended up as the whole city himself. When Dare and Rookie found him, he was turned into an alien. He and Rookie watched Dare and Buck fuck eachother in the elevator.
Graphics, HUD, and Sounds (technical shit)
Halo 3: ODST runs off the same shitty engine that powered Halo 3. The graphics still suck and the controls are still outdated. Also, the HUD is retarded, giving you these stupid night vision mode goggles and other random stupid bullshit that is unnecessary in the Halo Universe. What ever happened to the good old flashlight like in Combat Evolved? The sounds are also shitty, replicating the annoying sounds of the covenant weapons, the annoying battle rifle, and the annoying covenant vehicles. Also, Halo 3: ODST re-uses alot of the generic, very OLD Halo theme song with a couple of new instruments added. Same shit as Halo Wars and the Halo FPS sequels.
Online Mode
Halo 3: ODST comes with all the maps the original Halo 3 came with plus all the shitty Halo 3 maps you already paid for. That's right, you're paying for the same shit twice. Let's not forget how crappy the Halo 3 maps were, either! Oh yea, but it does give you THREE NEW MAPS on top of the others, so you don't feel like a complete douchebag for wasting $60.00 on the same shit. Besides that, there's this stupid new Co-op mode called Fucker-fight. You have to fuck your enemies, and survive as long as you can.
TL;DR: It's Halo 3 with more lens flare, no dual wielding and you take Fall damage.
Halo: Reach
Oh no! Not another one!
It's just the game playable version of the book itself.
Weapons
With each passing halo game comes brand new exciting weapons so Bungie can actually look like they are doing something. You have a wide variety of faggoty weapons, equipment and grenades.
Human Weapons and equipment: They are preferred the most because we like rooting for the home team.
- The Assault Rifle(GayR): This was first to arrive in Halo 1, but no one used it due to the 1337 pistol. It was taken out in Halo 2 because of its non use. Fan boys complained however and it arrived back in Halo 3 to not be used again.
- Magnum: Possibly the greatest weapon in gaming history. In Halo 1, the pistol killed you faster then you could say "FUUUU" and if you looked at it hard enough, it grew a scope. It was used in every Halo game after, but it sucked dick because of the BR.
- Battle Rifle(1337 4 SH0T!): The most fair and balanced weapon in the game. This weapon is why every player in halo is so gay when in comes to camping/non MLG game types. They think strategic playing is only using a weapon that kills in 4 shots to the head. They fail to realize that there is no strategy involved in Halo, only skill. This is why they end up getting pwned by the guy with a shotgun and bawing about it.
- Shotgun(Ninja Rifle): Hated by every "pro" player in the game. Use this weapon as much as possible as a trolling method. Bonus points if you're in Social Slayer and you hear the cut off of the 13-year-old boys cry as you pump that 8-gauge into their face.
- SMG(Shitty Machine Gun): This weapon replaced the AR in Halo 2. It has a range of like -3 feet or something and is duel wield-able. Bonus points if you kill someone with overshields with a SMG-Plasma Rifle combo.
- Rocket Launcher: What every team will be fighting for at the start of the game. If your team acquires this weapon, you've won the game.
- Grenades: spam them as much as possible. Another good way to troll MLG faggots.
- Spartan Laser(SHOOP AND WHOOP): No description needed.
- Turret: Another good way to troll MLG players. Boy they're whiny little bitches aren't they?
- Flamethrower: A very good weapon because it gives you the satisfaction of KILLING IT WITH FIRE.
- Melee: FALCON PUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!
- Missile Pod: Perfect for getting rid of dat nigga who stole yo banshee.
- Flag: It's next to the headlight fluid.
- Traffic Cone: LOL WUT.
- Tripmine: Bound to make your enemies "FUUU". Even though it is generally useless, you can sometimes get that double kill when you enemies are blind and deaf to hear the warnings of the deadly tripmine. Its physically incapable of killing someone on foot but can blow up a tank. If you see your teammate's mine, be sure to an hero and kick him for the lulz, thus causing your team to lose because youre down one player. But that doesnt matter, because kicking that guy was the funniest thing since WTT.
ODST Weapons ODST have to have special stealth weapons due to the fact that they can't run out into battle like a crazy retard absorbing bullets like some sponge and then hide behind a wall for 5 seconds and repeat.
- Silenced SMG:shitty machine gun shoots quiet bullets. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.
- M6S:Same as the halo 1 magnum, just with black paint.
Cock-venant Weapons and Equipment: Generally not used because all Covenant weapons suck. You must wonder how a futuristic race cannot even make weapons better then other weapons that fire lead.
- Plasma Rifle: Petty good in Halo 1. Only good in the other halo games if used with a combo because they can't kill shit by themselves. Not even zombies.
- Plasma Pistol(I'M SAMUS!): This weapon is the shittiest evar. However it has it's upside as you can charge up the blast to knock out all the other players shields. Yet another good trolling method against MLG if you then pull out your BR and one shot him in the face.
- Cock-venant Carbine: This weapon is .05 seconds better then the BR, however no one uses it. Just goes to show you how gay the BR is.
- Needler(noobler): This weapon has both homosexuality and down syndrome. It fires pink needles at the rate of 30 miles per hour. However don't fuck with someone in Halo 3 if they have this weapon. Has a range of only 30 feet, any closer or farther away and it is useless. Also if you dont hit them with enough shots to kill them it does absolutely no damage.
- Beam Rifle: Just as gay as the human sniper except no one uses it.
- Fuel Rod Cannon: Not used in Matchmaking due to it's pwnage.
- Energy Sword: Preferred weapon for Elites (which is probably why they got pwned in all the wars), the energy sword is a campers delight. Allows you to lunge Over 9000 feet and defy gravity.
- Plasma Grenade: Sticky blue balls that allow you to kill your enemy with more lulz. Throw them at people and they attach like an angry cat.
- Mauler: It's the same as the shotgun except it's allowed in MLG game types. Srsly WTF.
- Spiker: The only weapon with bullet drop. This is completely useless which is why it is an off-to-the-side weapon in every map.
- Brute shot: Pretty good weapon that shoots balls of exploding shit at your enemies. Don't use it too close to your enemy or else you'll involuntarily become an hero.
- Spike Grenade: Same as plasma except they stick to walls and generate more lulz.
- Gravity Hammer: Same as the sword except your enemies fly further.
- Fire bomb: KILL IT WITH FIRE.
- Bubble Shield: A giant boob that protects you from everything except other players coming inside the shield to pwn you.
- Flare:I can see the light!!!
- Radar Jammer: As if you radar doesn't fail already, this will fuck with your head.
- Regenerator: Makes your shield recharge, yet you still have the ability to die.
- Power Drain: It's an auto plasma pistol that drains all shields in the vicinity.
- Overshield: Makes your shields power level over 9000. Watch out though because a punch to the back will kill you.
- Active camo: You are completely invisible to all players and it lasts for a long time.
Fuck-runner Weapons.
- Sentinel beam: Piece of shit. No wonder those ancient faggots died to a bunch of fucking zombies. It's not included in matchmaking, thank god.
Master Chief
The Master Chief, aka Captain King or Master Chef, is some sort of futuristic cross between Leonidas, and Mecha-Hitler, and is a pretty cool guy because he kills aliens and doesn't afraid of anything. He's equipped with a half ton full body armor that amplifies strength, has energy shields, and a slot for an AI, but ironically offers zero protection from bullets. Indeed, a single shot to the head will penetrate the futuristicly designed helmet, and will instantly kill him, as will a light tap to his back, but that is ok as he will just respawn in like 5 sec anyway as well as there is a new checkpoint every fucking 5 meters or so. It is also thought that one of his weaknesses may be Head-On.
 Captain King |
 Captain Queen |
Novels
Not only did this retarded game make it on some kind of bestseller list, but a bunch of assholes thought it would be funny or something to kill some trees for this Master of teh ghey. The books include:
Halo: The Fall of Reach
A bunch of little whiny six-year olds fail at saving a planet from complete pwnage.
Halo Graphic Novel
Halo characters Bungie didn't care enough about to make stories for now have their own book. That's really it. Just a bunch of drawing. Oh, and there's porn in it. Drawn porn. Tentacle porn going into child anus with Master Queef watching over them with a huge metallic phallus. Yeah. Go buy it.
Halo: The Flood
The game put into a book. YAWN. Oh, and sometimes the faggot aliens point of views are shown but nobody cares because they die soon anyway.
Halo: First Strike
Note: This is NOT the first of the series of books, even though it is called the FIRST strike. Fagtards, you will be confused. The same six-year olds blow up a gigantic space station whose 1337 skillz are naught.
Halo: Contact Harvest
The folowing is an actual excerpt from the book, it is not fanfiction:
"She put her hands on Avery's shoulders and pushed him onto his back. Sitting astride his ankles, Jilan helped him with his pants. Then she crept upward, planted her hands on either side of Avery's head, and began to move.
Avery was instantly entranced by the back-and-forth sway of her bosom. He cupped the weight of her in his hands and knew at once he'd made a tactical error. The heavy roundness of Jilan's skin started an ache that crept up his legs and settled on the small of his back. All she had to do was squeez, and a moment later he was spent."
Best Halo Novels
Unlike Origin Software, Bungie completely denies that they ripped off or were even inspired by Larry Niven's Known Space novel series. Bungie completely denies that the mind-controlling Flood were inspired by the mind-controlling Puppeteers, OR the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Covenant, were inspired by the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Kzinti, OR the ancient human ancestors that built the Halos called the Forerunners were inspired by the ancient human ancestors that built the Ringworld called the Pak, OR the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Flood called the Halos were inspired by the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Puppeteers called Ringworld.
However, Bungie has admitted that they were inspired by Frank Herbert's Dune, with its spice Melange to describe Master Chief's life-sustaining and mind-altering addiction to cocks.
Halo Pros
MLG or Major League Gaming (also known as chronic jerking-off syndrome) is a league devised by some guy named Sundance. I'm not kidding; his fucking name is Sundance.
The League is completely devout to developing professional basement dwellers and pointedly alienating themselves from the opposite sex.
13 year old boys usually call themselves MLG pros because they spend their time playing custom games with other "MLG pros." None of them go to MLG events because their parents don't want to drive them, but the ones that do go lose in the first round and get butthurt. Then they return to their respective internets forums and bawwwwww about how unfair it was.
MLG recently had a show on the USA network which showed the Halo 2 segment of the pro circuit. It was super lame and no one really liked it. Except when Walshy started crying because his great team didn't win. This created a few lulz to many people who love seeing other peoples' retarded hopes and dreams not come true.
This is, of course, a moot point, because anyone who devotes his life to being a pro at a videogame is a fucktard.
Shows how the real pros of Halo talk to the noobs. Note how the 4 year old is actually winning the argument and completely owning the 13 year-old kid.
Halo 3 Epsilon Leak
During the final testing stage of Halo 3 called Epsilon, a kid with the gamertag SnprSlick/Snpr167 on Xbox Live set up a Live Stream on the internet showcasing it, ignoring the tight NDA. Much to the hilarity of everybody, Microsoft found out about it and banned all of his accounts from Xbox Live for, literally, the next 9,001 years.
Flood detected
Another vile spawn of the Halo series is The Flood. they are NOT ZOMBIES AT ALL, but are little spider things that burrow through your skin and take you over turning you into a hideous monster. After PWNING the ancient faggots who lived over 9000 years ago, the faggots fired weapons of mass destruction, pwning all life in the galaxy. Yet somehow they came back and proceeded to pwn humans and teh covernant once again.
Long story short, the Flood were better when they were called the Borg.
See Also
- Metroid - Where Bungie got their inspiration for Halo
- An Halo - Halo fanboy who scores -1 in RL
- Daniel Petric - A kid who pwned and attempted a double-kill his parents in the head for taking away his copy of Halo 3.
- Flood detected
- Machinima
- Pretty cool guy
- Supreme commander - Rooster Teeth, the makers of Red vs. Blue, are making movies based on SC.
- Pregame lobby - The Gaurd, makers of Pregame Lobby, have some stuff to say.
External Links
- An honest and true review of Halo 3.
- Basement dweller pwned parents because they took away his Gaylo 3. It is not known whether he teabagged them after the deed or not.
- The worst fanfiction of all time
- Faggot who thinks Gaylo is real
- Another reason why people shouldn't even be playing shitty games like this in the first place.
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