Halo
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Halo is an overrated, overhyped FPS game with outdated controls, terrible graphics, a convoluted storyline, and online multiplayer scientifically designed to get on your nerves. The storyline is also ripped of some shitty 1970's book called Ringworld, that nobody cared about. The game was credited for saving Microsoft's Xbox from going straight down the drain, because at the time it might have been the only reason anyone would want one. Wait that's true.... but it was still good. HAHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK CYBORG COCKS
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Halo 1.0
The original Halo (AKA Gaylo or Failo or Metroid) was known for being the only good Xbox game that wasn't available on Playstation 2 or the GameCube.
It received extremely good reviews from every major publication thanks to its fantabulous level design that repeated the same Goddamn gray corridor every 30 feet, which cut loading times. And as if the repetition wasn't bad enough, halfway through the game, you get to play through each level BACKWARDS!
The original story involved the Master Chef, a 26th century Spartan, and excellent cook, killing a bunch of aliens and stopping a giant ring in outer space from fucking up everyone's shit, thus saving world/universe/day/whatever.
Unfortunately, the game sold a fuckload and singlehandedly saved the Xbox from going the way of the Dreamcast.
Halo 1.3 (or 2): Electric Boogaloo
Like any somewhat decent game that makes a lot of money, the designers had to fuck it up beyond all recognition. They took every redeeming quality of the original, and raped it like Pedobear in a roomful of loli after being starved of CP for 3 weeks. The graphics were glitchy, the physics were inconsistent, the weapons were shit, well...yeah, and the levels were...well they stayed at about the same level of shittiness. Ironically, the game sold even moar than the first, and millions of fucktards blindly embraced it as a gift from God.
The story was also borderline retarded and riddled with plot holes. Like how the Covenant somehow find Earth, and (conveniently) a brand new Halo ring. Or like how they just randomly throw in the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors halfway into the game.
Halo 2 also introduced a new playable character - The Arbiter, a Covenant Elite warrior shunned by his people and blah blah blah, nobody really cares.
We also get introduced to Miranda Keyes, who's the daughter of that captain dude from the first game, the High Prophets: Truth, Mercy & Regret (who look suspiciously like turkeys), the aforementioned venus fly trap Gravemind, and the Brutes, led by their Chieftain, Tartarus, who looks like is a big-ass bondage loving Furry from Hell.
Halo 2 was the first game that you could play over the internets, via Xbox Live. Of course the funny thing about having a design team of over 9000 CSIII graduates, is that not everyone knows what everyone else is doing. This leads to a lot of interesting problems that basement dwellers (or in some cases, trolls) can find and exploit, like people being able to lunge at someone with the sword from a mile away, being able to drop through the ground, being able to bounce 2,000 feet into the air, and being able to lag everyone into next week, while you go around and rape the other team. As such, at least 100 patches have been released trying to fix the broken and obviously retarded multiplayer. Though even without the glitches, any normal human can only take the unbalanced weaponry, the high-pitched screams of prepubescent boys, and sheer lack of entertainment, only for so long.
It did, however have the best rocket launcher of the three games, since it could seek, and allowed you to dual wield needlers for epic win.
TL;DR
Is an expansion pack to Halo, that didn't add anything except the ability to hold TWO WEAPONS!!
Halo PC
A shitty port of Halo to the PC. Despite the dated, you only needed a "high-end" (shitty) PC to run it decently. The only reason you would want to play Halo PC is for the single-player campaign, as the multiplayer is fucking shitty. No votekick, no voice chat (well, in Halo's case that might be a good thing), laggy online play (you have to aim five feet ahead of an enemy to register a hit), and a community of fucktards (lol n00b pwned xD). Not only that, but 99% of all the fucking servers are fucking rockets on Blood Gulch or Battle Creek. (<- true story)
Halo 2 Vista
A shitty port of Halo 2 to the PC. It was exactly the same as Halo 2 for the Xbox, except it has better graphics and a map editor. And to get the ability to play a 3 year old Xbox game, all you have to do is downgrade to Vista. Anyone who is stupid enough to buy this should become an halo.
Halo 2 Vista was also the first game in Microsoft's attempt to consolize PC gaming, "Games For Windows". Apparently MS thinks it's a great idea to charge PC gamers for online play, even though most PC games have always had free online play. Fail marketing ploy was fail.
Halo 1.5 (or 3)
And just in case you managed to avoid that spoiler, Johnson dies. But black people always die in movies and videogames, amirite? And that one white commander woman dies, too, because it's a well-known fact that women suck at videogames.
Even though Halo 2 was more popular than Jesus, the designers admitted that it was a broken pile of fail and AIDS. While Halo 3 is still made of fail, it is still better than that rancid collection of squirrel dung, Halo 2 (if only slightly).
Bungie isn't exactly one for innovation, as the game still has the same boring controls as it did in 2001.
Graphics-wise, it looks a lot like Halo 2, except with higher-res textures, and big fat layer of lens flare thrown over everything.
But by the final installment of the trilogy, you would think the story couldn't possibly get any more butchered...right?...WRONG!! There are so many plot holes and random shit happening that you'll most likely be forced to throw the whole thing out the window. For example: How did Gravemind find Earth? Why did MC just randomly jump off Truth's ship entering Earth...was it just for the lulz? How did High Charity manage to find the Ark's SECRET location?
But hey, nobody cares about the story anymore, it's all about teh awesomez flawless online multiplayer, amirite?! Once again, WRONG!!
The Xbox Live multiplayer is exactly the same pile of horse manure as Halo 2's online, with the sole exception of a half-assed map editor with which you can't even edit the terrain or add all the objects. The maps and games all suck baboon balls. And when you play matchmaking once you go in to a game, you can't leave. So much like a visit from a rapist, no matter how much you kick and scream, it's gonna happen, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Another totally awesome addition to the third installation of the Halo series is the ability to take screenshots. This is about the only new thing Bungie has to offer. Motherfucking screenshots. You can only imagine what kind of people actually utilize this feature.
| Accepting People Online Typical Halo Fan |
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Halo Wars
Halo Wars is an RTS which is usually too difficult for the remaining 90% of the Xbox Population. In Early 2009 due to Microshits awesome partnership program they Dumped Ensemble Studios ass and left them to die in the burning depths of hell and faggotry.
Overall The Developers got kicked in the arse and the game was overall shit
After the game shipped on who the fuck cares day fans were very hostile about the game not getting any updates or planned Downloadable Content since the developer was fucking dead!
Belowws posted by angry fanboy
This game is fucking stupid. Buy Barbie Horse Adventures instead for your child.
Review done by the Obama Administration.
Overall Score: Shit
Ghapix: 2 out of 10 bud leafs. Funz: FUCK NA BRO THIZZ GAME IZ SHIT YA MAN DIGG? Difficulty: The AI is shit yo dont even know how to play a game yo. Online: Fail
Weapons
With each passing halo game comes brand new exciting weapons so Bungie can actually look like they are doing something. You have a wide variety of faggoty weapons, equipment and grenades.
Human Weapons and equipment
They are preferred the most because we like rooting for the home team.
- The Assault Rifle(GayR): This was first to arrive in Halo 1, but no one used it due to the 1337 pistol. It was taken out in Halo 2 because of its non use. Fan boys complained however and it arrived back in Halo 3 to not be used again.
- Magnum: Possibly the greatest weapon in gaming history. In Halo 1, the pistol killed you faster then you could say "FUUUU" and if you looked at it hard enough, it grew a scope. It was used in every Halo game after, but it sucked dick because of the BR.
- Battle Rifle(1337 4 SH0T!): The most fair and balanced weapon in the game. This weapon is why every player in halo is so gay when in comes to camping/non MLG game types. They think strategic playing is only using a weapon that kills in 4 shots to the head. They fail to realize that there is no strategy involved in Halo, only skill. This is why they end up getting pwned by the guy with a shotgun and bawing about it.
- Sniper Rifle: Don't know how to melee/BR/use grenades/play in general? You're in luck because like every FPS, Halo has an over-powered sniper rifle! It is basically a semi-automatic with a X10 scope attached. If you use this weapon you are nothing more then a camping faggot that has to hide behind his team and shoot from a far away distance to get kills.
- Shotgun(Ninja Rifle): Hated by every "pro" player in the game. Use this weapon as much as possible as a trolling method. Bonus points if you're in Social Slayer and you hear the cut off of the 13-year-old boys cry as you pump that 12-gauge into their face.
- SMG(Shitty Machine Gun): This weapon replaced the AR in Halo 2. It has a range of like -3 feet or something and is duel wield-able. Bonus points if you kill someone with overshields with a SMG-Plasma Rifle combo.
- Rocket Launcher: What every team will be fighting for at the start of the game. If your team acquires this weapon, you've won the game.
- Grenades: spam them as much as possible. Another good way to troll MLG faggots.
- Spartan Laser(SHOOP AND WHOOP): No description needed.
- Turret: Another good way to troll MLG players. Boy they're whiny little bitches aren't they?
- Flamethrower: A very good weapon because it gives you the satisfaction of KILLING IT WITH FIRE.
- Melee: FALCON PUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!
- Missile Pod: Perfect for getting rid of dat nigga who stole yo banshee.
- Traffic Cone: LOL WUT.
- Tripmine: Bound to make your enemies "FUUU". Even though it is generally useless, you can sometimes get that double kill when you enemies are blind and deaf to hear the warnings of the deadly tripmine.
Covenant Weapons and Equipment
Generally not used because all Covenant weapons suck. You must wonder how a futuristic race cannot even make weapons better then other weapons that fire lead.
- Plasma Rifle: Petty good in Halo 1. Only good in the other halo games if used with a combo because they can't kill shit by themselves. Not even zombies.
- Plasma Pistol: This weapon is the shittiest evar. However it has it's upside as you can charge up the blast to knock out all the other players' shields. Yet another good trolling method against MLG if you then pull out your BR and one shot him in the face. Also good for taking out someone's overshields; while they're crapping their pants you can get an easy kill. Fully charged shots have the ability to disable your teammates' vehicles. Utilize this until your pistol runs out and commence vehicular teabagging for maximum lulz. All teabagging will be clear since vehicles are in third person. Extra lulz if it's a good vehicle and you get a lucky shot while they're trying to get away, and/or they land into enemy fire.
- Covenant Carbine (Carbean): This weapon is .05 seconds better then the BR, however no one uses it. Just goes to show you how gay the BR is.
- Needler(noobler): This weapon has both homosexuality and down syndrome. It fires pink needles at the rate of 30 miles per hour. However don't fuck with someone in Halo 3 if they have this weapon, also in Halo 2 dual wield-ed needlers could fire at over 9000 rounds per second if you got the timing right.
- Beam Rifle: Just as gay as the human sniper except there isn't a fucking white line across they entire level.
- Fuel Rod Cannon: Not used in Matchmaking due to it's pwnage.
- Energy Sword: Preferred weapon for Elites (which is probably why they got pwned in all the wars), the energy sword is a campers delight. Allows you to lunge over 9000 feet and defy gravity.
- Plasma Grenade: Sticky blue balls that allow you to kill your enemy with more lulz. Throw them at people and they attach like an angry cat.
- Mauler: It's the same as the shotgun except it's allowed in MLG game types. Srsly WTF. Oh, and you can have two of the fuckers.
- Spiker: The only weapon with bullet drop. This is completely useless which is why it is an off-to-the-side weapon in every map.
- Brute shot: Pretty good weapon. Don't use it too close to your enemy or else you'll involuntarily become an hero. Does more then average melee damage.
- Spike Grenade: Same as plasma except they stick to walls and generate more lulz. Does crap splash damage.
- Gravity Hammer: Same as the sword except your enemies fly further, also: splash damage.
- Fire bomb: KILL IT WITH FIRE.
- Bubble Shield: A giant boob that protects you from everything except other players coming inside the shield to pwn you.
- Flare:I can see the light!!!
- Radar Jammer: As if you radar doesn't fail already, this will fuck with your head.
- Regenerator: Makes your shield recharge, yet you still have the ability to die.
- Power Drain: It's an auto plasma pistol that drains all shields in the vicinity. Also has the ability to disable vehicles. See Plasma Pistol.
- Overshield: Makes your shields power level over 9000. Watch out though because a punch to the back will kill you.
- Active camo: You are completely invisible to all players and it lasts for a long time.
Forerunner Weapons
- Sentinel beam: No wonder those ancient faggots died to a Shitloads of fucking zombies. It's not included in matchmaking..... thank god.
Master Chief
The Master Chief, aka Captain King or Master Chef, is some sort of futuristic cross between Leonidas, and Mecha-Hitler, and is a pretty cool guy because he kills aliens and doesn't afraid of anything. He's equipped with a half ton full body armor that amplifies strength, has energy shields, and a slot for an AI, but ironically offers zero protection from bullets. Indeed, a single shot to the head will penetrate the futuristicly designed helmet, and will instantly kill him, as will a light tap to his back, but that is ok as he will just respawn in like 5 sec anyway as well as there is a new checkpoint every fucking 5 meters or so. It is also thought that one of his weaknesses may be Head-On.
 Captain King |
 Captain Queen |
Novels
Not only did this retarded game make it on some kind of bestseller list, but a bunch of assholes thought it would be funny or something to kill some trees for this Master of teh ghey. The books include:
Halo: The Fall of Reach
A bunch of little whiny six-year olds fail at saving a planet from complete pwnage.
Halo Graphic Novel
Halo characters Bungie didn't care enough about to make stories for now have their own book. That's really it. Just a bunch of drawing. Oh, and there's porn in it. Drawn porn. Tentacle porn going into child anus with Master Queef watching over them with a huge metallic phallus. Yeah. Go buy it.
Halo: The Flood
The game put into a book. YAWN. Oh, and sometimes the faggot aliens point of views are shown but nobody cares because they die soon anyway.
Halo: First Strike
Note: This is NOT the first of the series of books, even though it is called the FIRST strike. Fagtards, you will be confused. The same six-year olds blow up a gigantic space station whose 1337 skillz are naught.
Halo: Ghosts of Onyx
Said six-year-olds grow up and try to recruit more six-year-olds. More faggot alien POVs.
Best Halo Novels
Unlike Origin Software, Bungie completely denies that they ripped off or were even inspired by Larry Niven's Known Space novel series. Bungie completely denies that the mind-controlling Flood were inspired by the mind-controlling Puppeteers, OR the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Covenant, were inspired by the religious slavers that fight humanity down to Earth, the Kzinti, OR the ancient human ancestors that built the Halos called the Forerunners were inspired by the ancient human ancestors that built the Ringworld called the Pak, OR the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Flood called the Halos were inspired by the ancient weapon worlds used to contain the Puppeteers called Ringworld.
However, Bungie has admitted that they were inspired by Frank Herbert's Dune, with its spice Melange to describe Master Chief's life-sustaining and mind-altering addiction to cocks.
Halo Pros
MLG or Major League Gaming is a league devised by some guy named Sundance. I'm not kidding; his fucking name is Sundance.
The League is completely devout to developing professional basement dwellers and pointedly alienating themselves from the opposite sex.
13 year old boys usually call themselves MLG pros because they spend their time playing custom games with other "MLG pros." None of them go to MLG events because their parents don't want to drive them, but the ones that do go lose in the first round and get butthurt. Then they return to their respective internets forums and bawwwwww about how unfair it was.
MLG recently had a show on the USA network which showed the Halo 2 segment of the pro circuit. It was super lame and no one really liked it. Except when Walshy started crying because his great team didn't win. This created a few lulz to many people who love seeing other peoples' retarded hopes and dreams not come true.
This is, of course, a moot point, because anyone who devotes his life to being a pro at a videogame is a fucktard.
Shows how the real pros of Halo talk to the noobs. Note how the 4 year old is actually winning the argument and completely owning the 13 year-old kid.
Halo 3 Epsilon Leak
During the final testing stage of Halo 3 called Epsilon, a kid with the gamertag SnprSlick/Snpr167 on Xbox Live set up a Live Stream on the internet showcasing it, ignoring the tight NDA. Much to the hilarity of everybody, Microsoft found out about it and banned all of his accounts from Xbox Live for, literally, the next 9,001 years.
Halo: Repercussions of Evil
John-117 waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were aleins in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Sergent Johnson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was a Spartan for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY ALEINS"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the Halo ring he knew there were aleins.
"This is Cortana" the radio crackered. "You must fight the aleins!"
So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the aleins
"I will shoot at him" said the Hunter and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the aleins" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the aleins"
And then John was a flood.
Flood detected
Another vile spawn of the Halo series is The Flood. they are NOT ZOMBIES AT ALL, but are little spider things that burrow through your skin and take you over turning you into a hideous monster. After PWNING the ancient faggots who lived over 9000 years ago, the faggots fired weapons of mass destruction, pwning all life in the galaxy. Yet somehow they came back and proceeded to pwn humans and teh covernant once again.
Long story short, the Flood were better when they were called the Borg.
See Also
- An Halo
- Daniel Petric A kid who pwned and attempted a double-kill his parents in the head for taking away his copy of Halo 3.
- Flood detected
- Machinima
- Pretty cool guy
- Supreme commander Rooster Teeth, the makers of Red vs. Blue, are making movies based on SC.
External Links
- Zero Punctuation review of Halo 3.
- Basement dweller pwned parents because they took away his Gaylo 3. It is not known whether he teabagged them after the deed or not.
- The worst fanfiction of all time
- Faggot who thinks Gaylo is real
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