Pagan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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[edit] Beliefs
According to their religion, each year is a cycle. The God dies on a date known as Samhain (pronounced "sow-when") which is coincidentally (?) around Halloween. He is reborn again each year on a date known as Yule which, coincidentally (?), is around Christmas. If you mention any of these coincidences to a pagan, they will cast a voodoo curse on you, so watch out!
There are other holidays that tell the story of the God and the Goddess, but they are far too boring to write about. These are the basics of the mythology of the circle of life that fuels the many branches of Paganism. That, and copious amounts of Disney — which explains why the Baptists have boycotted them.
[edit] Wicca: Pagan Light with Cherry
Like goths, but brown, Wicca is something taken up by fat 16 year old girls so they can call themselves witches because they think it'll freak people out. Many guys pretend to "respect" this so they can have sex on an altar with a candle up the girl's (or "witch"'s) ass.
On LJ, Wiccans are represented by wiccan, moderated by the always rational Silvertree. Wicca attracts many morbidly obese girls and women because of their slimming dark-colored robes and their hatred of men, leading to lots of awkward lesbian sex in the name of "celebrating the sacred feminine."
It is also well known that Wiccans like to form smaller groups that they like to call covens or ass buddies. These smaller groups tend to meet on full moons, half moons, and new moons. On the occasion of new moons one member of the coven is nominated to bend over and show their moon, and every one else takes turns to draw down the moon with their wands.
Wiccans like to give themselves really gay/gay names. Such as Princess Snowdrop of the Divine Light of Ass Hats, or Crystal Raven with a chance of Light Scattered Showers. A lot of the time these names are simply taken from the first 2 to 3 things they see after dropping a tab of LSD or some such drug.
Wiccans also love to sacrifice virgins. In fact, if you live in a small town that has a coven in it, you may find that finding a virgin to bust very hard. To be fair to towns with out a coven in them but have no virgins, some towns are just full of sluts
Lastly, Wiccans (while the suggestion of this may throw them into a PMS fit) do indeed worship Satan, just behind closed doors with the aforementioned ass buddies.
[edit] Neo-Paganism
Essentially, Neo-Paganism combines all of the most nerdy elements of classical (and mutually antagonistic) European and Middle Eastern pagan pantheons, while leaving out most of the cool stuff like human and animal sacrifice so that 30-year-old basement dwellers can secretly take up witchcraft without too many of their secular or Judeo-Christian peers batting an eyelash. In reality, they practice Wicca in order to fuck 16-year-old girls (see above).
Most Neo-Pagans are goths who never grew out of gothdom, work shitty service-sector jobs, deem themselves "intellectuals," and sit around playing D&D while whacked out of their skulls on whatever's at hand. Pagans like Hrafnagardh and Weofodthignen, who like to wear horned helmets and pretend to be vikings, are called "Asatruar", which is an ancient Norse word for "white supremacists."
[edit] Stag Circle
Even more Occulticly than regular pagans are the Dolmen Grove. Proud, baby-eating Satanists who wear women's clothing and raise their arms in the general direction of the sun, and take authoritative stances on issues that nobody cares about. Most recently have sent an open letter to Extreme-Islamic Hate Preacher Dr Rowan Williams, exclaiming their disgust at the suggestion of integrating elements of Religious Law into British Law, but tragically falling short of demanding the repeal of all British laws which have elements of Religious inspiration therein.
Unlike Scientology this lolicult offers its own indoctrinate-at-home, study courses at no monetary cost. The cost is of course at the expense of the recipient's dignity. There is no leader, but there is a lead-camwhore who is frequently seen wearing twigs on his head to summon even greater morning wood. See The Dolmen article for moar!
[edit] Followers
This beautiful, life-affirming narrative seems to attract cutters and angsty teens the world over. Like atheists, pagans are pissed off at the STUPID XTIANS who made fun of them in high school, so they're looking to reject the establishment like the hardcore rebels they are. Unlike atheists, though, pagans are secretly too afraid that Jehovah might actually exist to totally give him the finger, so they put him in a dress and call him "The Goddess," hoping that if that whole Jesus thing is actually true they might get a pass into Heaven anyway because hey, at least they worshiped something. Because of this, most pagans behave exactly like Christians, except for not knowing when to keep their damn clothes on, substituting a spiritual relationship with Christ for virulent sexual relationships with each other.
Like Cosmic Jew-Zombie worshipers, they come in a variety of flavors that most people fail to recognize. This causes much butt-hurt, and they will then rant and rave about the minuscule differences that make them all such unique individuals. And of course, none of these idiots realize that "Pagan" is not actually a religion, but an adjective describing religions with cool gods like the Greeks and Egyptians had.
If you encounter pagans on the Internet, you may think that they are all batshit insane. This is not entirely true, since at least 50% of pagans on the Internet are actually Son of Art. This gives the community a worse reputation than it would have otherwise.
[edit] Practices
A little-known fact is that pagans were actually the first furries. Animal sarcifices are also common amoung pagans who skin the animal while it's still alive and grind it's horns to make penis-enlargement potions.
When not listening to the bleats of a dying goat, pagan make potions out of wild plants that can make people fall in love, tell the truth or run around naked with their genitals flapping in the wind (thus associating them with bakedfurs).
Because of their strong belief with the cycle of the year, pagans - like most angsty teens - are obsessed with sex. Teen pregnancy is simply not an issue for them. Despite their best effort to bred like their rabbit gods, pagans are still relatively rare IRL because today no peson in their right mind would want to pay taxes for some little whore who thinks getting high and letting her dog to things to her pussy is part of her spirituality.
Because at the end of the day they are all animal-fucking doped-up cannibals, pagans have often been mistaken for Satanists. Although 'mistaken' is not quite the correct word as they are exactly the fucking same anyways.
[edit] The Media
Da Vinci Code Due to the fact that there are at least 100 documentaries about every element of Dan Brown's exciting new book, there are now many documentaries made about Paganism. These feature just over an hour of big men fucking animals with commentary from recognized researchers about how we are all the same as the Pagans.
The Wicker Man
The Wicker man was originally a British horror movie accurately depicting the lives of pagans - a Christian is brought to their island and after much mind-fucking eventually burned alive. Oddly this caused more outrage amongst pseudo-witches than actual Christians. The Wicker Man was eventually re-made with Nicholas Cage, and was deemed a pile of shit by everyone.
[edit] Real Pagans
Though 99.99999% of pagans are whiny fags who like to pretend what they believe matters, they are people who really believe this shit. Unfortunately, noone has ever met one, as they actually have a fucking clue, and know that real pagans get firebombed by Christfags. They also know that religion is shit nobody cares about, making them smarter than a lump of shit.
[edit] Related Links
- Paganism:1
- Wicca
- otherkin
- Brummie pagans
- Freud
- Satanism
- 16 year old girls
- The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
- More shit
- Where Pagans Go To Die
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