Weblog
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
After Al Gore invented the internets, years of evolution revealed what the public wanted from the explosive and powerful new media:
- Porn
- A way to auction collectible dolls, beads, and holy cheese sandwiches to an international market (See: eBay)
- A cesspool of "intellectual debate"
- Spyware
- A vehicle for inflicting insipid personal musings, boring dream recounts, bad poetry, and hare-brained opinions on more than family and coworkers.
- Blogtv, camwhore central.
American industry immediately addressed the first four needs but it was not until the advent of the blog that the fifth was fulfilled. A weblog is a website maintained by an individual, clique or organization for the purpose of posting articles about a specific subject. Weblog entries are presented in reverse chronological order and in CinemaScope with Dolby 5.1 sound (See: Ass Backwards and in Moonspeak).
The first blog was created by television geek Doogie Howser MD in 1989. Unfortunately the vomit-inducing corny sentences that Doogie typed into his blog caused mass induced Repressed Memory Syndrome across the world. This forced everyone to forget the original Doogie weblog and prevented the widespread use of blogs for more than a decade.
Many weblogs allow visitors to leave public comments, which can lead to a community of typically large, flamboyant readers centered around the blog, while others lurk moar. The totality of weblogs or blog-related websites is usually dubbed the blogosphere, making it easy to roll off a cliff as opposed to a blogocube .
Blogs are known to be the things which have deposed the once great internets by giving every idiot a megaphone and should be considered the enemy of all with a true heart.
The most interviewed blogger (and biggest loser) record is held by that fatass who runs Fluxblog.
Contents |
Types of Blog
- Vlog - (video + weblog) a weblog consisting of videos of a fat idiot responding to some faggot (see YouTube)
- Moblog - (mobile + weblog) a weblog updated from a mobile device
- Photoblog - (photograph + weblog) a weblog primarily consisting of photographs (see Jameth and camwhore)
Popular Blog Topics
"Blogs," as weblogs are more commonly known, come in variety of flavors.
- Politics
- Author Profile: Intense, angry, probably a virgin
- Typical Talking Point: The government sucks!!!
- Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! Noes u suck!
- Celebrity
- Author Profile: Fat, horny, obsessed
- Typical Talking Point: I want to suck Brad!!!
- Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! He's gay!
- Literature and The Arts
- Author Profile: Neurotic, irritated by spelling errors, married to sock puppet
- Typical Talking Point: How low has sunk our once lofty level of discourse.
- Representative Public Reply: OMG!!! You're gay!
- Philosophy and Theology
- Journal i.e. Blather Log
- Author Profile: Likes mirrors, masturbates so often is becoming bored with it
- Typical Talking Point: Blah blah blabbittyblahblah blah blah ME!
- Representative Public Reply: OMG! I know what you mean!!! Once I blahblah blahbittyblah blah blah ME!
- Note that journalists like LJ users sometimes react violently when others accuse them of keeping a diary. Blogs clearly are nowhere near as interesting as someone's diary, consisting of 50 memes and pictures of the author costumed in full furry regalia.
The Proper Way To Vlog
- Remember to never rehearse for your vlog. After all, this is the real you that they want to see, not some rehearsed, well-delivered speech.
- Don't make direct eye contact with the camera for more than 1 second unless you are very angry. This gives the impression that you are "staring down" the audience and that makes them nervous.
- Don't sit still. Show them your excitement by nervously fidgeting throughout the entire video.
- Let's face it, no sane human being would look for random vlogs willingly, so be sure to load up the video description with as many keywords as possible. Example: "vlog, sad, depressed school girl Naruto incest blink-182 green
gday Harry buttsecks Draco..." etc. etc. - When you are talking, end every sentence with an upward inflection in your tone, as if everything is a question?
- If someone makes fun of you on YouTube, respond with a raging tantrum expressing all of your heartfelt disgust, anger, and resentment at this person. Just completely let loose, scream and use profanity, threaten to kill them, anything.
- When people start laughing at that angry vlog, immediately take it down and replace it with a new version where you are calm and you pretend not to be bothered by the people who make fun of you.
- Remember to gear your material toward the crowd that would be most attracted to you. If you are a somewhat attractive female, try doing sexy things on camera and you will attract desperate, horny guys, most of them registered sex offenders. If you are a fat chick, pretend you are a lesbian and you will soon have the entire community at your side. If you are a socially inept 16 year old girl with small breasts and pale skin, go for the furry or NeoPets community.
- Lie, lie, lie! Let's get real here, you're fucking boring. You have to fabricate stories of terrible things happening to you and how you will "be strong" and "never give up". Tell them you have cancer, pretend to be crippled, tell them you have a gay, retarded, Jewish stepbrother named Mickey who has been disowned by his father and you're the only one who is there for him. Be creative.
- If the people that made fun of you just become too much for you to handle, move to LiveVideo, but not after making your last vlog that tells everyone you are leaving because of LiveVideo's features and whatnot.
- If all of the above fail to make an entertaining vlog, take a loaded shotgun, put it in your mouth, and become An Hero on your vlog. That always kills. In fact, just do this one first.
If All Else Fails Make a Top Ten List:
External Links
 Weblog is part of a series on Web 2.0 | Web 2.0 • Social networking • Social networking sites • Blogging • Blogosphere • PHP • Podcasting • Wikiing • Ajax • Ruby on Rails • Internet Humanitarianism • X is not your personal army • User-generated content • ITunes Store
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Weblog is part of a series on Language & Communication. |
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