Windows
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
If you are homosexual, see Mac OS X; if you do not shave and/or shower, see Linux
| —Typical Microsoft Customer |
Microsoft Windows is an operating system composed of proprietary malware produced and developed by the Microsoft Corporation. Windows is known for its wide appeal, attracting users from the most hardcore gamers who live a meaningless existence to your grandmother who is too senile to know any better. Microsoft gives users a wide array of broken tools and regular security updates that can be put to all kinds of uses. As it stands, Windows is a very reliable OS, provided users don't have hang-ups about their computer crashing every five seconds, randomly deleting their files, and catching fire (See: ReiserFS).
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Hi$tory
Micro$oft, (moar like Microshit, amirite?) was founded by Bill Gates with the intention of a hostile overthrow of the PC market, starting first with the rape of DOS. The usability of Windows 3.1 ushered in the reign of our Illuminati masters as we know it today. Windows 3.1's success was due in large part to the killer app Solitaire, since this program was simple enough to run without crashing, as long as nothing else was running at the same time. Since their humble beginning, Microsoft products are often ridiculed for having security problems, crashing over 9,000 times a second and for being slower than a dead turtle with a broken leg.
Windows seemed like an unstoppable force, it had dominated the PC market for about 100 years, since nobody cares about Linux (AIDS is free too, and you don't see me contracting it). The thorn in Microsoft's side came in the mid to late 90s, when Apple decided that making humble, yet powerful PCs was not the way to go. At that point there was no PC marketed towards the gay/metro communities and spoiled rich girls. Apple had found their niche, relying not on the functionality of the parts, but on the inadequately priced, yet cute, whole. Apple had proved once and for all, the whole is indeed gayer then the sum of their parts. Along with the fags came the rest of the liberal community: hipsters, hollywood types, college students, emos, and even some nerds.
Windows Statistics
- 78% crap, 21% rule 34, 1% unknown
- Has 10^8 fanboys.
- Old versions like Windows 95, 98, and ME crash over 9,000 times a SECOND. This was to prevent anyone from getting online to post about it.
- It is quite Nigger proof as it requires more than clicking a mouse.
- FACT: In Windows Vista MS PAINT uses 1,168,672KB of memory to run this piece of shit.
- Jews have made Vista much slower so now that the entire world is entirely unproductive, this was believed to have been targeted at mainly the Arabs for an epic lulz, but has ended up pwning the entire planet.
The Anti-Windows Movement
This movement is largely led by Linux users and other retards think Windows is the shittiest operating system ever. Little do they realize that making fun of Windows ME's constant crashing became a worn out joke a long time ago. The up-to-date joke being the fact that Windows catches more strains of viruses than a nymphomaniac prostitute. The fact is, Windows XP is a piece of shit, literally fecal matter. Fags actually sit around waiting for someone to tell them all this so they can argue about it for hours and hours.
Compared to Windows, Mac OS X is AIDS. It spreads EPIC Fail.
Some people have hypothesized that Windows is an illegal monopoly, but M$ has proven time and time again that it isn't, namely by bundling their own web browser, multimedia program and more recently an exceptional security system along with their OS.
In addition to the numerous positive attributes of Microsoft Windows, OS X and Linux ain't got games, and as everyone knows, games are the primary reason anybody uses a computer. Games, being the hobby of only roaringly heterosexual successful employed white men , are a necessary past time for all normal people. This accounts for Window's incredible popularity and customer loyalty.
Imitation, the sincerest form of faggotry
Microsoft, always known for originality equaling the talents of top DA traceurs, has been content to ride the coattails of other, cooler OS manufacturers. Here's some of the more blantant examples:
Zune
Main article: Zune
Apple, Inc remains profitable only thanks to hordes of dickless idiots who pay cash for music available for free, and are content to only be able to play it on bland, overpriced cookie-cutter players with one button.
“I wanna piece of that action!”, yelped Billy.
Thus, a device even lamer than Ipod was born, something that was thought impossible by industry experts.
Vista
Apple, Inc remains profitable only thanks to hordes of dickless idiots who pay double cash for bland, elitist, cookie-cutter laptops with one button (other than keyboard/trackpad).
“I wanna piece of that action!”, yelped Billy.
Thus, an operating system even lamer than OSSux was born, something that was thought impossible by industry experts.
It’s just like it, too! All windows have rounded corners, the browser has tabs, everything is shiny like a man slathered with Vasoline, and you can do that cool Exposè thing (if you have 8GB of RAM, that is).
Easy trollage: Vista/OSX similarity is a hot topic with fanboys on both sides; they will be screaming for your blood should you suggest that their beloved OS is not original.
Seinfeld, with a dash of memetology
You saw this coming, folks: the sit-cum king and known ephebophile (he’s a furry and Jewish, too, for extra points!) was destined to team up with teh lame that is Microsoft. The immensely witty and popular “Hello, I’m a Mac" commercials were just too good not to copycat. Enter “Jerry and Bill try to fit in with normal people” spots. Haeted by one and all, the campaign was halted after two ads, with the spin being that it’s always been planned that way, and “ordinary people” ads will now follow in the spirit of the abovementioned “Hello, I’m a Mac" brilliance. Using an incredibly funny and popular (albeit balding and fattening) comedian wasn’t enough for Microsoft, though. Like an mature gentleman adopting hipster talk to fit in with the young’in’s, Microshaft hijacked and forever sullied a respectable meme in the shoe-store ad.
| — Jerry, being a Kewl Kid |
It has thus been proven that one can be a newfag regardless of age.
FACT: This ad campaign cost 300 Million Jewgold, 10 of which went to Seinfeld for the two ads.
Sometimes, being the richest TV actor in history with rerun syndication on five continents just isn't enough.
Now you know why it costs you $35 to make a Windows support call to Raju in Bangalore.
Vista Technology
Windows Vista is the next generation in technology. It was developed using the legendary Computer Science III library system and used the DRAIN graphical API to suck the shit right out of your graphics card's asshole.
Advanced Nigger Protection Technology
With Windows Vista, niggers will no longer be able to steal your personal information. As part of this new technology Windows Vista now includes a reading test in order to be able to use the computer. Niggers can't read, of course, and they will fail the test and not be able to login keeping your data secure.
Now in Beta: Vista Service Pack 23 now includes Jew and Muslim lockouts. The login box is now adorned with jpegs of bacon and pork chops which frighten and disgust them and prevent their logging in.
An optional driver allows additional security where the would-be thief must deposit a quarter into the machine before usage, instantly repelling all Jews.
Incompatibility Monitor
The incompatibility monitor ensures that something in your computer won't work with Vista. Incompatibility monitor checks to make sure that everything on your computer is responding to the operating system, and if everything is working, incompatibility monitor is designed to pick the one thing that would annoy you most, and make it stop working. The incompatibility monitor runs twenty four hours a day, even when you think you've shut off your computer, and is unable to be uninstalled.
User account Control
User Account Control (UAC) is an application Microsoft put into Windows Vista. It was Microsoft's way to keep the viruses you get from watching lolita porn from messing up your computer. The way it works is simple yet annoying. Everytime you run an application it asks if you are sure you want to run it and then it tells you that it may fuck up your computer. if you say yes, it will ask you another question that looks different, but is the same basic question. The most ironic thing about UAC is the fact that Windows is the world's biggest computer virus in itself, and it is rather amusing to think that a Virus protects itself against other viruses...Bill Gates for ya I guess...
Aero Glass Faggotry
For once, Windows came out with something before Mac. Now you can sort of see through the window panes to the other window panes behind them, but it's slightly blurred so you actually cannot see anything behind the window. Sounds confusing? That's the way we like it here at Microsoft.
Not convinced? Take a look at our product tour:
VISTA FAQ (click to expand)
- Q: Is it safer?
- Q: What does VISTA stand for?
Vainglorious & Incompatible Software with Tenacious Asperger's.
- Q: How do I uninstall VISTA and replace with 95/98/XP/LINUX?
Because VISTA was modeled after AIDS, there is no cure.
- Q: Why is my VISTA folder over 10 gigabytes?
For the Lulz.
- Q: I bought a PC package with preinstalled Vista. I want to install XP on that pc. Where is the Vista Installation DVD and where can I find XP drivers for the hardware?
A: Ha ha ha! I mean... good luck with that.
- Q: Why is there so much fail with VISTA?
To accompany the vast amounts of AIDS.
- Q: Why don't any games/applications work with VISTA?
To fix compatibility issues, visit the Microsoft Technical Support Page.
- Q: When i try to delete a a file, Vista says "You don't have rights to delete this file". But I am the owner of the file. Why can't I delete it?
Since everything you have on your computer with Vista belongs to Microsoft you simply just don't have rights to delete your own files. Read the EULA before you accept it.
- Q: What kind of computer will run Vista smoothly?
None, but you'll need at least a Xeon processor with at least 16GB of DDR3-2000 RAM, two NVIDIA GeForce GTX 295's in SLI, and at least OVER 9000! GB of free hard drive space.
- Q: Is Vista the best operating System EVAR?
No. Who are you? Fucking Bill Gates?
.NET Framework
Microsoft's .NET Framework is a programming language for when programming in Visual Basic and making users try to find and download the latest visual basic DLLs is just not lazy enough, there's Microsoft's .NET. NET is a a dumbed down form of Visual Basic where the end user has to download a 100 meg file to get the latest .NET version to make the program run. NET is usually only seen in Open Source software buffs and they always compile with the latest .NET version.
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See Also
- Windows Live
- Windows Optimizer- The final solution to all Windows-related problems.
- H-Dub Beeper SOFTWARE SO ADVANCED IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND
- .wmv
- Buffering
- Apple
- Desktop
- Easter egg
- QBASIC
