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{{needsmoar | lulz}}
[[Image:Bad_Astronaut_No_Cookie.jpg|thumb|[[NO U]]!!!]]

==Background Info==
'''Lisa Nowak''' was born [[at least 100 years ago | in 1963]] in [[Washington, DC]], around the same time that [[Martin Luther King, Jr. | MLK]] was screwing a lot of women that were not his wife and [[IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER | chargin' lazers]]. Her parents, being [[hippies]], never bothered to toilet train her or tell her that jobs like astronaut are for [[men]], not [[womyn]]. Therefore, to this day, Lisa still wears a diaper and brandishes her [[unwarranted self importance | artificial sense of entitlement]] as if it were a BB gun ...owait, she brandishes those too.

Lisa is also a [[dyke]], since according to [[mom]] and dad and [[Freud|Fraud]] "''the only abnormal sexuality is the absence of sexuality''". Sounds like they never had the delight of reading ''[[furry|Softpaw Magazine]]''. All fur aside, Lisa soon grew to miss [[teh]] [[cock]], and began sleeping around the hangar at NASA.

[[Image:Nigga_stole_my_man.jpg|thumb|Nigga stole my man!]]
==T-minus 10 Seconds until Lulz&mdash;Her Plan==
This is when Lisa met William Oefelein, a Navy officer and fellow astronaut (what the fuck kind of name is Oefelein, anyway? How the hell are you supposed to pronounce that?), and hilarity began to ensue. It turns out that Oefelein was [[fucking | doing the dirty]] with some other and much younger [[bitch | flygirl]] named Colleen Shipman. Enraged that some bitch was messing with her man, Lisa devised a sinister plan to get her man back. A search of her car by police yielded the following evidence, which details the plan.

[[Image:lisa_gets_ready.jpg|thumb|Cap'n Lisa suiting up to avoid toilet breaks (her excuse) while racing across the countryside to '''entice''' the future-husband-stealing bitch into talking with her!]]
[[Image:Lisa_Nowak_tools.jpg|thumb|left|The contents of Lisa Nowak's purse.]]
===T-minus 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... seconds until lulz&mdash;Materials===
*[[TL;DR | Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells the time]]
*[[Funnelgirl | Rubber tubing]]
*Steel mallet
*Buck (folding) knife
*Chemicals
*Diapers&mdash;only 'cos of the epic trip.
*Latex gloves&mdash;only for pickin' up soiled diapers, 4 sure.
*Garbage bags&mdash;only for packin' soiled diapers.
*[http://www.local6.com/news/11606444/detail.html Revealed on April 10th, 2007]: The cops also found storage media (two USB drives and a floppy) after her arrest, the floppy disc contained 16 pix, all but one of which were lewd or in some other way unsavory and connected with [[bondage]] (you can't make this shit up), along with a stash of [[drugs|orange pills]] and [[England|English]] money.


===Plan===
1. Abduct bitch

2. Entice her with BB gun

3. Spray with chemicals

4. Profit!

Pending further analysis, experts agree that the fatal flaw in her strategy was the omission of the crucial 3.5<sup>th</sup> step of "???".

[[Image:Pepper_or_diaper.JPG|thumb|left|Ready to '''entice''' the bitch into talking!]]
==Liftoff!==
Secret documents in hand, Lisa armed herself with the aforementioned materials (the diaper was supposedly to eliminate bathroom breaks, but we know better) and drove [[IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!|over 9,000 miles]] from [[Houston]] to [[Florida | Orlando]], where she met Shipman in a parking lot. Lisa knocked on Shipman's car window, and the dumb bitch rolled it down! Then Lisa pulled a "gun" and [[almost raped | threatened]] to spray Shipman with a chemical believed to be pepper spray. Shipman then [[lol]]'d at the bitch in the diaper, so she got sprayed in the face with the pepper spray, at which time Shipman sped away and called the [[police]]. She tried to stash her wig, trenchcoat and overflowing diaper in a nearby trash can and blend in with the [[mundanes]]. She was unsuccessful of course and was arrested. It is the opinion of this [[EDiot]] that Shipman was totally [[asking for it]].

She could spend life in prison for attempted kidnapping, attempted assault and trying to conceal evidence. Her lawyers are expected to ask if she can serve out her sentence in the cargo hold of a poopship.

==The Aftermath==
NASA has declined to comment on the allegations that they have indeed hired a [[babyfur]] [[faggot]], only saying that she has been suspended without pay and put in the time-out corner. This is not going to be the last we hear from miss Lisa Nowak, however, as there is much [[moar]] yet to be milked from this [[lolcow]].

She entered the [[IRL]] court system  in late March, not long after being "terminated" (their term) by NASA on the third of March. This puts her back in the US Navy, where she's now been joined by philandering bondage boy Oefelein (as of the first of June, one week after the announcement). 

Her plan was to plead insanity(duh!):

<pre>The document claims Nowak was suffering from the following: obsessive-compulsive disorder, 
partner relational problem, major depressive disorder, insomnia, brief psychotic disorder 
with marked stressors, asperger's disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, loss 
of body mass, problems with primary support group, marital separation, problems related 
to social environment, inadequate social support system and inability to confide in 
social contacts.</pre>

... from the excellently named [http://www.floridatoday.com/floridatoday/blogs/spaceteam Flame Trench] NASA fan site in Florida.

Like all self-proclaimed aspies, this all was complete bullshit and she was forced to plead guilty, and was given fines and a suspended sentance and banned from going into outer space forevar.

She is also glad that [[Anna Nicole Smith]] is dead.

==Docs==
<pre>
Lisa M. Nowak (CAPTAIN, USN)
NASA Astronaut

PERSONAL DATA: Born May 10, 1963, in Washington, D.C. Married, with three children. Lisa enjoys
 bicycling, running, skeet, sailing, gourmet cooking, rubber stamps, crossword puzzles, piano, and
African violets. As an undergraduate she competed on the track team. Her parents, Alfredo and Jane
Caputo, reside in Rockville, Maryland.

EDUCATION: Graduated from C.W. Woodward High School, Rockville, Maryland, in 1981; received a
bachelor of science degree in aerospace engineering from the U.S. Naval Academy in 1985; a master
of science degree in aeronautical engineering and a degree of aeronautical and astronautical
engineer from the U.S. Naval Postgraduate School, both in 1992. 
</pre>

[[Image:Lisa_nowak_bukkake.jpg|thumb|Hey Lisa, you've got something on your face.]]

==Fetishes==
According to her [[docs]] above, in addition to her [[Aztec shower | scat]] [[Fur Affinity | affinity]], Lisa also enjoys [[bukkake]] (''Lisa enjoys bicycling, running, '''skeet''', ...''). Close family and friends have testified to the fact that her goal in life was to set up a [[whore | brothel]] on [[Second Life | the International Space Station]], where other space-whores like herself could come and be come upon. [[Some argue | This is why]] when asked if she had ever heard the advice "Don't shit where you eat" and whether she felt it applied in this case, Lisa simply responded "lol they're the same thing, rite?".

==Also See==
*[[batshit crazy|Batshit Crazy]]
*[[Babyfur]]
*[[Diaperfur]]
*[[Fursuit]]
*[[David Vitter]]

==External Links==
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050210033511/www.ecsel.psu.edu/~cms259/Report2/TitlePageR2.html Lisa's rival with her university project team]
*[http://www.jsc.nasa.gov/Bios/htmlbios/nowak.html Her official astrobio.]
*[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/opinions/cartoonsandvideos/toles_main.html?name=Toles&date=02082007 Excellent cartoon]
*[http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/04/11/astrnowak260.jpg Photos of her special equipment and a new photo of nappy girl]
*[http://www.cityoforlando.net/police/pio/releases/2007/AfffidavitNowak_Lisa07_47314.pdf The initial affidavit from the Orlando cops]
*[http://www.cityoforlando.net/police/pio/releases/2007/Afffidavit-NowakAtt1stDegreeMurder.pdf The second affidavit from the Orlando cops (not the current charge)]
*[http://www.orlandosentinel.com/media/acrobat/2007-03/28253062.PDF The e-mail messages between the star-struck sub-dom pair]
*[http://www.orlandosentinel.com/media/acrobat/2007-03/28253140.pdf The ironic hand-written note to the wife of master-boy, found on batshit day]
*[http://www.orlandosentinel.com/orl-html-nowakvideo051107,0,5930301.htmlstory Link to a story that has a link to a video of Lisa lurking at the Orlando airport]
*[http://www.orlandosentinel.com/community/news/lakenona/orl-nowakdocumentspdf-mg,0,6018422.gallery Treasure trove of documents at the Sentinel; includes "... first urge will be to rip your clothes off ..." message from Oefelein to Shipman]

[[Category:People]] 
[[Category:Drama-generating_techniques]]