Toledo
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
It has been suggested that this article should be merged with Ohio. To find out moar please spam the talk page.
Toledo is a crumbling ruin of what was once a shabbily-constructed industrial city in the northeastern corner of Ohio. Home to little more than economic devastation and corruption, Toledo has joined the rank and file of American ghettos. Located on the western end of Lake Erie, the city has yet to recover from the one-hundred and seventy-two year downward spiral following Ohio's loss in the Toledo War of 1835-1836. Unable to escape the inevitable, Toledo has become resigned to the fact that it will never escape the unshakable sense of impending doom that is the birthright of all entombed within Ohio's borders. The futile attempts of the citizenry to mask the all-encompassing aura of dread which emanates from the entire population resembles widespread failure to the untrained Philistine eyes of non-Ohioans. This is not too far from the truth.
Contents |
History
Toledo is near the site of the so-famous-what-do-you-mean-you've-never-heard-of-it Battle of Fallen Timbers, where on August 20, 1794 America continued its proud tradition of ethnic cleansing.
The aforementioned Toledo War, circa 1835-1836, resulted in the competing claims of both Michigan and Ohio as to which territory would claim the narrow strip of land from the Indiana border to Lake Erie (prior to catching on fire). Historical records, shown to your right, state that the kerfuffle was over which state would annex the strip into their domains. As shown by the condition of said records, they are hardly fit to wipe one's ass with. The true account reveals that the near-war was over which territory would be saddled with Toledo, and face the eternal shame of possessing it. Ohio lost, despite popular belief. Michigan received the upper peninsula as a reward for their resounding win over the failures which populated the Ohio territory.
Since this time, the sole guiding principle of Toledo has been disappointment and regret for having some so close, yet remaining so far from sweet freedom. The seething cauldron of disconnected rage that is Toledo has been attempting to inch further toward Michigan, with typical Ohio results.
Toledo is the official sister city of the entire country of Poland.
The Lay of the Land
Geography
Toledo is flatter than Debra Messing's chest.
Sports
Baseball: the Toledo Mud Hens are a baseball team, or at least they clam to be.
Football: Toledo does not have a professional football team. The reasoning is that if they did have a professional football team, Cleveland would want one too.
Men
Men in Toledo are not likely to score easily, nor should they expect to ever, ever sleep with a woman they could thereafter brag about without utter shame being brought down upon them by their two-steps-from-queer friends. These stunning displays of hypocritical projection are considered somewhat of a rite-of-passage amongst white Ohio males, being predominately homosexual and Republican. This stunning display of redundancy was not deliberate, but ironic in the same tired manner as pointing out that George Bush is to intelligent what Shakira is to possessing a tight vagoo. Mr. Universe to your right is in himself a prime example of this phenomenon.
It goes without saying that Chin-chan has a better chance of getting laid in Toledo than George Clooney does in a women's prison.
Even with a an entire ream of papers' worth of pardons.
Despite the complete lack of heterosexual sex happening in Toledo, the raep of outsiders and kidnapping sustains the demographics to ensure that subsequent generations of homosexuals, degenerates, and petty criminals. Paired with the osmosis-like breeding traits exhibited by the substantial Muslim population; the birth rate is about even with the death rate, which is too bad.
Education
For the main article, see ITT Tech
Sites of Interest
You guessed it, Magellan. It is clear that you do not need a map to know that this article is the sole site of interest in Toledo - and the server it's on probably isn't even in Ohio.
...but you could say the same thing about Toledo.Born in Toledo, wouldn't be caught dead there now
- Katie Holmes, actress and wife of Tom Cruise
- Jamie Farr
Still in Toledo
- Mayor Carty Finkbeiner (We're not making this name up.)
- Some of these EDiots
