Vancouver
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
 | Add pixplzkthnx to Vancouver Plz to be adding some pix now kthnx. Consult the image selection process for help, or just google up some pix.Plz remove this notice once there are plenty of pix. |
Vancouver is an island-city in Western Canadia that calls itself Hollywood North, also known as the city of bums, but everyone knows is just a lame excuse for a Canadian SeattleSan FranciscoPortland.
Contents |
Film Industry
Vancouver has a magnet-like tendency to attract crappy, low budget movie-makers, who flock annually to the city in great numbers. Thanks to this phenomenon, it is hoped that Vancouver will someday destroy the careers of Freddie Prinz, Jr., and Carrot Top. So far, Vancouver has been responsible for allowing the production of Freddy vs. Jason, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Daredevil and other sin-cursed abortions within their city limits. The sad fact is that no movie worth watching has ever been produced in Vancouver, or ever will be. It is not known whether this is due to a conspiracy on the part of Hollywood or due to the local aura of soul-stifling cultural vacuum that drains all goodness out of the films before they leave Vancouver. Most likely, any movie with enough money to have a decent script or actors will just stay in Hollywood in the first place -- thus, Vancouver is the toilet of the film industry.
As well, due to favourable exchange rates and/or exile from reputable film studios, television productions, particularly those with a sci-fi and fantasy bent, enjoy saving money and having a variety of locations all close by through filming in Vancouver. Canadians don't deserve to be paid much. Current examples include both Stargate series, The Collector, and Battlestar Galactica (the version with the hot sexdroids). Other terrible shows such as Smallville have stained this city with their presence but that is not something Vancouverites like to brag about.
Music
As the city responsible for such musical monstrosities as Matthew Good, Bryan Adams, Marianas Trench, Elise Estrada, Nickelback (they're actually from Calgary, but close enough), and Sarah MacLachlan (who is really from somewhere in the Maritimes, but whatever), Vancouver has a lot of atoning to do.
Vancouver is also responsible for giving the world Skinny Puppy, Frontline Assembly and Strapping Young Lad, making the city the cultural capital of 12-year-old mall-dwelling emo and goth faggots who can't even spell Vancouver, much less point it out on a map.
Video Games
Vancouver is home to at least 100 video game development companies, most of which are staffed entirely by hobos. As a result, terrible level design is often based on terrible civil engineering in Vancouver alleyways, where most game developers live.
Vancouver contains offices for Rockstar, Backbone, Radical, Relic, and Next Level, all of which have wreaked ungodly horrors upon the world. 90% of games produced in Vancouver are cheesy online Flash timewasters or casual-game bullshit that "Bejeweled" did better two decades ago. The other 10% are EA's sports games, which are the video game equivalent of a stale slice of Wonderbread that someone has just shat on. When fratboys slam Jagerbombs after playing three hours of Madden, they're undoubtedly drinking to forget.
However, once in a while, these studios will produce something decent, at which point noone pays attention and the publishers are forced to admit that most of the money to be made in gaming is in the publicity machine. In an attempt to shut down this vicious cycle, Vancouver's south side, Richmond, is home to at least 100 asian video game piracy rings, many of which strangely have legitimate storefronts.
Local Culture
Culturally, the city couldn't fill a paragraph, but here's one anyway. All Vancouver culture is stolen from American TV, but because all American TV is actually produced in Vancouver, it creates a horrible feedback loop of stupid. You can't swing a machete without hitting some thugged-out Persian gangster retard or American military moron looking to get stoned and laid by a local fat chick (not Vancouver's chief cultural export -- most of the fat chicks are actually from Surrey). Vancouver is desperately trying to reach Los Angeles levels in terms of vice and human scum -- this has been its only purpose since the city was established in 1091. Vancouver's chief value-added imports include spinny rimz and shitty raver drugs. To get cool drugs like LSD you have to go to Seattle.
Azns are the most prominent stereotype in Vancouver and are the one thing that every other cultural group can unite against in shared hatred envy. As a result, Vancouver prides itself on being multicultural and tolerant. The top two pastimes of Vancouver residents include 'making fun of terrible AzN drivers' and 'being run over by terrible AzN drivers' and 'being shot by batshit crazy AzN gangsters stray bullets at 4am while trying to scarf down a Moons Over My Hammy'. Thanks to all the AzNs, Vancouver is a magnet for nerdy white males with yellow fever who were too ugly to get into Los Angeles.
Plentiful sushi and Starbucks, as well as bat-shit crazy mayors fuel Vancouver's drama. One of them was originally a Coroner and the subject of a TV drama series, Da Vinci's Inquest. When he became the mayor and created North America's first Safe Injection Sites (i.e. places where addicts can shoot up legally) they made a second series about him, Da Vinci's City Hall. The current bat-shit crazy mayor is best described to Americans as "Marion Berry in a wheelchair". (More like closet homosexual and ultra-socialist fuck Gregor Robertson.)
Vancouver's government system is unique -- its principality was sold to Hong Kong triads in 1998 and after a brief civil war, the city is now sub-governed by an electoral committee of Hells Angels. This multi-tiered government currently maintains the drug trade with its militia of armed mercenaries, also known as the RCMP. It is estimated that Vancouver's population is only around 5,000 people, the remaining houses and appartments being filled with dank nugz.
One beacon of culture in Vancouver is 810 Burrard Street.
Crackheads and Hookers
Vancouver's eastside is ripe with Crackheads, Whores and the most corrupt cops in North America. Many of the whores are actual cops who want to make an extra buck on the side. All 3 usually hang out on Main and Hastings street and also at Pigeon Park. You can usually spot some needles and used rubbers on the sidewalk.
Vancouver & Divine Punishment
It has been prophesied by the sages of old that God will cause Vancouver to slide deafeningly into into the Georgia Strait by means of a tremendous earthquake, thereby killing off some two million people. Perhaps the eternal despair that is the Vancouver Canucks will fend off this natural disaster, though the betting odds are slim.
See Also
Van-City ChanDead, due to unrealistic expectations of #vanraid cancer.- Canadia
